2000 Uses for Peanut Butter ...and then some!

By Wheeitologists from all over!

"The other list in my life." -- Andy Kerr

© 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999 Andy Kerr and Nathan Eady. All rights reserved.
Contact Andy Kerr or Nathan Eady for permissions.

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Last updated March 6, 1999.

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1. Drop it from a plane over Ethiopia to feed all the starving children.
2. Keep out of reach of children.
3. Drop large globs of it out of an airplane over New York City.
4. If you are a doctor, prescribe it to your patients regularly.
5. If you have tight clothing such as stretch pants use it as a lubricant to help get them on.
6. Take it on Safari instead of water because it doesn't evaporate as fast.
7. In Descent IV it would make a great weapon.
8. Donate massive amounts of it the American Diabetes Association.
9. Expose it to radiation. Feed it to hamsters. Be sure to read the horror movie survival guide in preparation for the results.
10. Knock on it for good luck if there is no wood around.
11. Kick it in the face of 97 lb. weaklings in the lunchroom.
12. Drop large globs of it out of an airplane over your college. Try to hit one of the professors.
13. One word: Stucco.
14. Get out your alchemy set and try to turn it into gold.
15. Do a biology experiment to bring peanut butter to LIFE! BwwaHaHaHaHa!!!
16. Braid it.
17. Play cat's cradle with it.
18. Feed it to your pet Steve.
19. Use it in bioneural gelpacks.
20. Use it to reverse the tackion field.
21. Use to promote international fascism.
22. Sell by the ton as a fund-raiser.
23. SDI
24. Squeeze it and make peanut butter juice.
25. If you read this list and laugh your butt off, stick it back on with peanut butter.
26. Feed it to Recussa-Anne.
27. Experimental fuel in the next space shuttle.
28. Eat radioactive peanut butter and become the intrepid Peanut Butter Man!
29. "In the event that we lose cabin pressure, jars of peanut butter will fall from the ceiling..."
30. Use it as postage when you mail Dr. Johnson to Abu Dhabi with a return address in Tajikistan.
31. Digitally integrate it into Descent III as the supreme Master Villain.
32. You don't wanna know.
33. Use peanut butter in Hypercerebrostatic Electropsychodihemispheral Neurosadomassichiticulotitilitory Keneticodiscombobulatory Imulohydrolysistic Numboconiculosombrenomaltic Testing (HENKIN Testing)
34. Use it to sound-proof your dorm room.
35. If your alarm clock quits working...
36. Cover your eyes with it. Go wash in Winona Lake. See if you still need your glasses.
37. Pardon me while I pump more Peanut Butter into my athletic shoes. The ad says this is how to take control of my life. I paid $211.99 for these shoes...
38. "Hi... My name is John... and I'm a peanut-butter addict." ... quot;Hi John."
39. When taking Greek, use it to help you learn about the genitive article.
40. Use it as a temporary solution if you momentarily run out of Fuzzy Fuzz.
41. Take the peanut butter from your hair
    shake it loose and let it fall like the shadows on the wall...

    (A Ray Stevens thing)

42. Spread it on Fuzzy Fuzz to make Sticky Fuzz.
43. Use it as a Ping-Pong ball or as a tennis ball.
44. Administer the MBTI to peanut butter to see how it rates on the continua.
45. Use peanut butter to hire the "A-Team."
46. If you do that, though, make an exception of the golf balls are made from peanut butter.
47. Make peanut butter the .6 so you can have the national average of 2.6 children.
48. Coats for the poor.
49. Use it to convince Naomi to stay out of the Marines.
50. If you want to force someone to stick around place peanut butter between the heels of his shoes to prevent him from going home. (c.f. Wizard of Oz)
51. "We've secretly replaced Tom's usual coffee with peanut butter..."
52. Peanut butter: the next best thing to your vacuum cleaner!
53. When the world runs out of toilet paper turn peanut butter into a pulp and process it...
54. New mutant ability: plug one nostril and shoot stream of PB out the other one.
55. Little known fact: when Spidey runs out of web fluid he uses peanut butter in his web shooters.
56. It's also how he REALLY sticks to walls.
57. If you lose a button from your shirt replace it with peanut butter.
58. Use a Peanut Butter/Anti Peanut Butter reaction (also known as a PB/SPAM reaction) to power your warp core.
59. Place a glop of peanut butter in Barney's pocket. Have him arrested for carrying a concealed weapon.
60. Thicken peanut butter enough to make a suit of armor.
61. Out of dilithium? Use peanut butter!
62. The latest in sound recording technology: digital audio peanut butter.
63. Use it as a shield to protect you from the BILYS Quad or the Banjo Quad.
64. Give away free jars of peanut butter to get people to leave the Earth and go to Chia Earth (apologies to the Brain.)
65. Use it to pay your ISP bill.
66. Rdev your linux kernel image to use peanut butter as the root filesystem.
67. Staple it.
68. Staple it to the Jell-O you just nailed to the wall.
69. Peanut Butter Cam, live, on the web! (Just $14.95 per month after validating your age... the Supreme Court has determined that a valid credit card is sufficient proof of age...)
70. Sometimes I think all my friends were made out of peanut butter...
71. "I'm a peanut butter dandy / A peanut butter do-or-die /
    A real live nephew of my uncle Gif / born on the fourth of July..."
72. "Peanut Butter Helper helps your Peanut Butter Helper makes a great meal!"
73. The shocking truth revealed: William Tell actually shot a peanut butter sandwich out of his son's hand!
74. Keep a jar of it in your guitar case to keep the wood from cracking in those dry, steam-heated Indiana winters.
75. Use in place of quicksand for national security.
76. "And this report is brought to you live, vie our satellite, PB1..."
77. "And as the jelly glaciers receded, the mighty Colorado carved the rivers of the Grand canyon out of the living peanut butter..."
78. [singing] Oh, I'm just wild about peanut butter \ and peanut butter's wild about me ...
79. Use it as an emergency tank when your fishbowl develops a leak.
80. Marry it.
81. Divorce it. Use the jelly as grounds.
82. W.W.J.D.?
83. "Get more peanut butter! The dam's about to burst!"
84. Feed it to your Chia pet.
85. Use it as currency in Monopoly.
86. Take a few young adults and sit them down for a long lecture about "Safe Peanut Butter"
87. Use it as an alternate power source.
88. "Peanut butter, the plant you don't need to grow!"
89. Add a 3-way touch switch so that you can have "Three levels of peanut butter to suit any situation."
90. Move huge stones by rolling them on peanut butter jars. A slave whip and headdress will make you more believable.
91. Part crowds with it.
92. Drop a jar of it on Nagasaki.
93. Get your peanut butter pierced.
94. Use it to keep your pictures from hanging crooked.
95. Divert small rivers with it.
96. "By the power of Peanut Butter... I have the power!"
97. Use it to cure tropical diseases.
98. Roll a ball of it across the lawn to collect grass clippings.
99. Brains for the Scarecrow.
100. Use it instead of Bondo when repairing dents in your car.
101. Disguise a VW bug by coating it with peanut butter. Extra points if you make a convincing semi.
102. Use it to defend yourself on the way to the outhouse.
103. Use it instead of a shoehorn for tight shoes.
104. Use it to keep leaves out of the gutter.
105. Mix it with gravel and pave your driveway.
106. Use it to clean gas station bathrooms.
107. Use it to try to get on military bases. Extra points for Area 51.
108. Make a thermometer with it.
109. Amazing flat tire sealant.
110. If you ever become Czar, make peanut butter a letter of the alphabet.
111. Fill in New York City potholes.
112. "Fill 'er up, and check the peanut butter."
113. Fill in the San Andreas Fault to prevent earthquakes.
114. See if it cures leprosy.
115. Hold it hostage.
116. Sew it.
117. Download it off the web.
118. Trade it on IRC f-serves.
119. Fax it.
120. Photocopy it.
121. File it under "Miscellaneous."
122. Shred it.
123. Customize your Harley with it.
124. Use it to preserve venison.
125. If you sink anyway, use it to keep you afloat.
126. Start a philosophy based on the epistemological assumption that peanut butter exists, and that anything which can be shown to be fundamentally similar to peanut butter then must exist; whereas anything fundamentally unlike peanut butter must not exist.
127. Have the surgeon coat the inside of your urethra with PB to make passing kidney stones less painful.
128. Oh, Susanna,
     Oh, don't you cry for me
     For I come from Alabama with
     Peanut Butter on my knee ...

129. Compose "Prelude & Fugue in PB Minor".
130. Friends, Romans, countrymen... Lend me your peanut butter!
131. Sharpen knives with it.
132. PB Fiber Optic Co.
133. Mix with Borg technology; watch it assimilate everything.
134. Use it to get stains off that little blue cocktail dress.
135. PB Breast implants.
136. Jack and Jill Went up the Hill to get a Jar of Peanut Butter...
137. Mix it with henna to make a more durable body paint.
138. Hulk Hogan vs the Peanut Butter Man, no holds barred!
139. Visual PB++, the ultimate cross-platform programming language!
140. "Well, the peanut butter level is falling, so it looks like it's going to storm..."
141. Shape wings out of it and wear them so you can fly -- but don't fly too close to the sun or it'll melt them.
142. Give some to Calvin and Hobbes and see what they do with it... ("Those child psychology books we bought were such a waste of money." -- Calvin's Mom)
143. Simple Simon went to catch a Wheeitologist,
     He thought it'd work real nice,
     Because he had a little PB,
     To put into his eyes.

144. Be the next Reinhold Neibuhr:

     Man must be measured within the tension of two worlds. Since man is a part of nature as a physical creature and part of Peanut as a free spirit, he cannot consider himself explained accurately until these two double environments are first recognised and related. Man is too high to be identified with this world and too low to be identified with Peanut. His total environment, therefore, includes both Butter and Peanut. If not for this tension the dialectic would be fractured.

145. Be the next Soren Kirkegaard:

     Peanut Butter is subjective. Peanut Butter lies not in _what_ you believe, but in _how you live_. Peanut Butter is passionate commitment. But if PB is not objective, then there are no external principles or criteria that are objectively valid...

146. Become a proponent of Peanut Butter suffrage.
147. Run away down the Missippi River with your best friend Skippy so they don't catch him and keep him a slave. Along the way stop at every town and con the residents out of as much money as possible.
148. Put surplus military processor chips into the peanut butter so it will do what it does in the commercials. Call the leader Chip Jiffy.
149. Hey, Waiter! My Pop Rock Peanut Butter Sandwich doesn't have enough lettuce!
150. "If I ordered a Peanut Butter sandwich with no Crunchy, that wouldn't be a problem."

     "But would we get to hear you sing?"

151. "What's a Peanut Butter goon?"

     "It's like Peanut Butter, but a grotesque, evil, demented monster."

     "Oh, is *that* what all those ugly things you made on your plate are?"

     (Apologies to Bill Watterson)

152. Pack your dad's face in it just in case he falls off a ladder, to cushion the blow.
153. Place it under the feet of extensions ladders to keep them from slipping.
154. Stuff expectant mothers' mouths with it to take their minds off the pain of labor and muffle their screams at the same time.
155. Use it as ballast for your hot air politician.
156. Parents ponder purchasing peanut butter perchance poverty, petty purloining, pestilence and puerile procreation partake the populace.
157. Sand it.
158. Rout it.
159. Hammer it.
160. Solder it.
161. Send it to a starving NBA player.
162. Have your college Econ class read books about "Successfully Managing Your Peanut Butter".
163. There are now six vowels: a, e, i, o, u, and peanut butter.
164. Who ya gonna call? PEANUT BUTTER!
165. In Anglo-Saxon times, Peanut Butter was considered a magical, mysterious substance that either witches used, or mighty warriors ate before they slew dragons...
166. Power Rangers got you down? Try Power Peanut Butter Rangers!
167. Bubble, bubble, Peanut Butter and trouble... From the little known first draft of MacBeth.
168. Cover your enemy in Peanut Butter, chunks of bread, and a slathering of jelly. Turn him loose to a pack of wild second graders...
169. Famous plays:
     Peanut Butter and the Man
     Desire under the Peanut Butter
     MacPeanut Butter
     Much Ado about Peanut Butter
     
170. "Okay, everybody know what to do?"
     "Yes, sir."
     "Alright. Synchronize your peanut butter."
     
171. We already know that matter is a structured form of energy. Some have hypothesized that maybe time is a structured form of space. What they don't know is that both are really just a structured form of peanut butter...
172. Hey, how come Kraft doesn't make "Peanut Butter and Macaroni"?
173. Mix peanut butter with mutagen ooze and feed it to any small animal you can find.
174. 42 is a silly answer. I think Peanut Butter is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. I'm still not sure about the question...
175. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any Grey Peanut Butter?"

     "But of course."

176. Be original. Use Beanut Putter instead.
177. "It's just a flesh wound."
     "A flesh wound? Your peanut butter's off!"
178. From the makers of Peanut Butter Story, it's "A Jelly's Life".
179. Mighty Peanut Butter Young.
180. New twist on old yin-yang philosophy: In all Peanut Butter there is Jelly, and in all Jelly there is Peanut Butter.
181. "Use the Peanut Butter, Luke"
182. When the year 2000 hits, the economy will come to a screeching halt. The only people who will survive will be those who thought ahead to keep a ten-year supply of peanut butter hidden in their basement. It won't do to run out in December of 1999 and buy a lot of peanut butter, either, because by then a lot of people will realise the dire situation, and there will be an international shortage as people suddenly rush to fill their larders.
183. PBUX: The newest brand of Unix.
184. Instead of spending all day at the mall, do all your Christmas shopping with peanut butter.
185. "Fire department! My house is burning down!"
     "We'll have the PB truck there immediately!"
186. PB95 Operating System... much more stable than Bill's...
187. "I did not share a jar of peanut butter with that woman..."
188. Every mutant in Marvel Comics got that way because a parent ate some bad peanut butter.
189. When the money is tight, our young hero Peter Parker substitutes peanut butter into his webbing formula...
190. The villians of Star Trek: Insurrection try to conquer a planet where there is a mystical fountain of peanut butter.
191. Look, boys and girls, it's everyone's favorite purple jar of peanut butter, Jiffy!
     Boys and girls: Yea!
     Jiffy: Oh golly gee! It's a PB-rific day for imagination!
192. Distill it.
193. Amend the constitution to include the Right to Bear Peanut Butter.
194. I don't know about life, liberty, and happiness... but peanut butter sounds like a much more reasonable thing to have as an inalienable right.
195. Throw Barney into the peanut grinder at the factory and get Barney Butter.
196. Perform the world's first peanut butter transfusion.
197. Find Mt. Carmel. See if you can call down peanut butter from Heaven.
198. "If you wish to send a jar of peanut butter to this address, press 1. If you wish to order a jar of peanut butter for yourself, press 2. If you wish to bury northern Indiana in a three-foot blanket of peanut butter, press 3."
     *beeeep!*
     "Thank you. To process this order, please press the pound sign."
     *beeeep!*
199. Create a "peanut butter web." See if you can catch spiders.
200. W.W.J.D.W.A.J.O.P.B? (What would Jesus do with a jar of peanut butter?)
201. Take five loaves and four jars. Feed the 5,000.
202. See if you can walk on it.
203. Bombard it with ultrasonic waves. See if you can get it to do the cha-cha.
204. There are some things that duct tape just won't seal. For everything else, there's peanut butter.
205. There are some things in life that you just can't buy. For everything else, there's peanut butter.
206. When you say, "I'll be back in a Jiffy!" at least try to come back in a peanut butter jar.
207. For your evil deeds, grasshopper, your karma is to come back as peanut butter.
208. If it does, form a PB surfing team.
209. Build a peanut butter fort. Throw peanut butter balls at unsuspecting passerby, or challenge your little brother to a peanut butter battle.
210. Use it to keep Galaxoid and Nebular warm when they complain about the faulty axis of the planet you sold them for 50 leaves.
211. Next time you're custom-designing a planet, make the core out of peanut butter instead of boring old iron and nickel.
212. Feed it to the Coolyfish.
213. Next on the Jerry Springer show: "My husband has been eating my best friend's peanut butter!"
214. Roll a huge ball of it across your lawn to pick up the leaves instead of raking.
215. Raise the Titanic: sink hundreds of jars of peanut butter into the sea. Eat out the peanut butter, creating a vacuum. Since a vacuum is lighter than water, you can attach the PB jars to the hulk, and raise it to the surface!
216. Use it to make your muffler louder.
217. Proudly display your Scofield J.I.F. brown letter edition reference Bible as evidence of your spiritual authority.
218. Should you encounter a person who does the last item, baptize him in peanut butter.
219. Write a novel in such a way that it's impossible to determine whether the main character is a sincere old Baptist minister, an elementary-school-age girl with the measles, or a sentient jar of peanut butter, but those are the only possibilities. Apply for a creative prose award.
220. Determine whether your peanut butter is male or female: knee it in the groin. See if it groans.
221. "Peanut Butter meets the Daemons" (a killfile.org thing)
222. Oh, peanut butter, oh peanut butter
     How lovely are thy branches
     ...
223. It's the real secret to catching wild animals: if you can smear a little peanut butter on their backsides, you'll be able to catch them.
224. Wreak havoc on enemy countries by giving them free peanut butter and refusing to sell them anything to drink until they capitulate to your demands.
225. Hypnotize your Cabbage Patch dolls and convince them that they are peanut butter.
226. When your Furby asks for peanut butter, feed it the Cabbage Patch dolls.
227. Stabilize your nitroglycerine by adding peanut butter.
228. "Master, what is the meaning of life?"
     "The meaning of life is peanut butter."
     "But, that's not the meaning of life!"
     "What do you mean, it's not???"
229. Defend yourself during the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.
230. Give it to the knights who say, "Neet!"
231. Perhaps you could disguise it as a shrubbery?
232. Tell your dear nephew wormwood to try to get his man to concentrate too much on peanut butter, and to convince him that peanut butter is the real driving force behind the virtues. It isn't, of course, but he may easily be made to believe it is, provided you never let the thought occur to him that it might not be.
233. If you find an alien parasite with acid for blood, immediately submerse it in peanut butter, then set the peanut butter on fire. Then leave the planet and peanut butter the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
234. Peanut butter is futile. Lower your Jiffy and surrender your Skippy. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own...
235. Famous lines from the large and small screen:

     These are the voyages of the starship Peanut Butter....

236. That's no moon... its Peanut Butter.
237. There is no 'try'... only Peanut Butter
238. Spaaaaaaaaaace Peaaaanut Buuuuterrrrr
239. I Peanut Butter in your general direction!
240. See if it takes out pet stains.
241. Tell the California Raisins that "you heard it through the grapevine" that the Peanut Butter Monster was coming.
242. "TBSP = Tablespoons"

     "And I was SURE you meant Tons of Butter from Salted Peanuts ;-)"

     "Wouldn't that kill a man?"

243. If one of the puppeteers puts the rubber bands for the rods around his puppet's arms too tight, squeezing the circulation out of the wrist, soothe the wound with peanut butter. Or punish the puppeteer with peanut butter. Either way.
244. When nobody else wants to be your best friend, peanut butter will.
245. "Thar she peanutbutters!"
246. Create anti-gravity: coat one side of a piece of bread with peanut butter, and the other side with jelly. Drop it. The bread will never reach the floor and hover there, spinning, battling Murphy's Law for which side will land face down.
247. Ask an evolutionist to explain the existence of peanut butter.
248. Get an opposing view on peanut butter from a Creationist.
249. Impeach the Peanut Butter. Oh, and fire Bill, too.
250. People for the Ethical Treatment of Peanut Butter.
251. Support Greenpeace with it.
252. Form the PB Press in direct competition to the Associated Press.
253. Measure it in degrees Kelvin.
254. Measure it in radians.
255. As long as we're measuring, how about hogsheads?
256. Weave it underwater.
257. Counterfeit it.
258. Makes Mr. Ed talk.
259. Hire it if you run short on help.
260. Two days later, fire it for failure to show up for work twice in succession.
261. Order it at Milliway's. Put it in a doggy bag for Marvin.
262. Put some in your ears before listening to Vogon poetry.
263. "TBSP = Tablespoons"

     "And I was SURE you meant Tons of Butter from Salted Peanuts ;-)"

     "Wouldn't that kill a man?"

264. If one of the puppeteers puts the rubber bands for the rods around his puppet's arms too tight, squeezing the circulation out of the wrist, soothe the wound with peanut butter. Or punish the puppeteer with peanut butter. Either way.
265. When nobody else wants to be your best friend, peanut butter will.
266. Mr. PB: Put it in your head.
267. 7PB: The Uncola.
268. Shocking news! Dish runs away with spoon! Peanut butter blamed.
269. Little miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, eating a peanut butter sandwich and wondering, just what was a tuffet, anyway?
270. Coat the cow with it so that when it jumps over the moon, it doesn't burn up on re-entry.
271. There was an old woman
     Who lived in a shoe
     who had so many children
     She didn't know what to do--
     For one of them liked Skippy,
     and another, plain bread;
     Yet another preferred Jiffy,
     So she sent them to the store and told them to buy their own.

272. I'll say Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard was bare-- there wasn't even any peanut butter!
273. The butcher, the baker, the peanut butter maker!
274. Baa, baa black sheep, have you any peanut butter?
     Yes sir, yes sir, three jars full!
     One for the master, one for the dame,
     And one for that nutty Wheeitologist down the street.

275. The real story: Bo Peep's sheep baited by wolves with peanut butter!
276. Little boy Blue, come blow your horn-- if you can, that is, with that huge mouthful of peanut butter you've got there.
277. Sing a song of peanut butter, spread thick on slice of rye!
278. Revive the flavor of day-old blackbird pie.
279. All peanut butter is brown. Therefore, all non-brown items are non-peanut butter. Prove your hypothesis.
280. No peanut butter was harmed in the making of this movie.
281. Any resembalnce to any peanut butter, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
282. Peanut butter jerky, anyone?
283. I'm dreaming of a white peanut butter.....
284. Oh Peanut Butter, oh Peanut Butter, how lovely are thy peanuts!
285. Silent peanut butter, chunky peanut butter....
286. Johnny Cochran: "If the man can't mutter, he must have eaten peanut butter."
287. Instead of facing down that deadly, fiery dragon like most knights stupidly do before they get toasted, leave some peanut butter outside it's cave. While it's off eating the peanut butter, you can plunder his gold in safety.
288. Disassemble it.
289. Stick hundreds of Cheerios together with peanut butter to make a raft.
290. Change the color of the spots on your pet giraffe by painting over them with peanut butter.
291. Slow down garden slugs by spreading peanut butter on the ground.
292. Gatling did a pretty good job with his gun; he just never used peanut butter.
293. Adopt it.
294. After removing the brains through the nose, and removing all other major organs, the ancient egyptians bathed the body again, and covered it in peanut butter, which is the first stage of mummification...
295. Postal employees can now throw globs of peanut butter to dogs so that they can deliver the mail undisturbed.
296. "The paths of righteousness lead straight to the peanut butter..."
297. "Well, the Skippy on my right shoulder told me to help him, but the Jiffy on my left shoulder said to...."
298. SDI is, in actuality, trained monkeys sitting on satellites, throwing jars of PB at incoming missiles.
299. If an infinite amount of monkeys ate an infinite amount of peanut butter and sat down to type an infinite number of Sociology papers that were due the next morning....
300. If all the sky were parchment, and all the seas were ink, and all the islands peanut butter-- what would we do for drink?
301. See what Freud had to say about peanut butter.
302. If that fails, you can sell it to him as mustache wax for that incredible mustache of his.
303. "Then, after we extract the dinosaur's DNA from the mosquito trapped in this fossilized bit of peanut butter...."
304. Build a car out of it. See how well it performs in government crash tests.
305. "Parlez vous Peanut-butter?"
306. "Ja wohl, mein Fuhrer! Ich esse der Peanutbutterbrotchenmitstrawbettypreservenessensstoff!"
307. (Singing) I took with me upon the streetcar
     My peanut butter, my peanut butter..."

308. Laminate it.
309. Blaspheme it.
310. Explain atomic fission with it: "Und so, when the little glob of peanut butter is fired into the big glob of peanut butter, the glob reaches critical mass...."
311. SWM, ISO PB for some serious sandwich making. No crunchies, please.
312. Take a look at the puddles on the garage floor. If it's dark brown, the car is leaking oil. If it's green, the car is leaking coolant. If it's light brown, boy, you've got a problem with your peanut butter seals!
313. Practice on it with your power tools. You can drill the same holes and make the same cuts again and again, then mold the peanut butter back into its original shape for next time.
314. Normally a square peg won't fit in a round hole, but if the square peg is made of peanut butter, you can make it fit.
315. "I dream of Jeanie with the light brown peanut butter..."
316. <blasphemy>
     Joy to the World,
     the peanut butter has come.
     Let Earth receive her King...
     </blasphemy>
317. Route a Valnier Particle Stream through peanut butter conduit to actuate its trajectory with additional accuracy without reducing its density, thus allowing long-distance manipulation of a Type F Newton Vortex, allowing a Tharkeen Passage to be created without being physically near to the Plotkin Anomaly controlling the Gate.
318. "I'm gettin' peanut butter for Christmas.
     Mommy and Daddy are mad.
     I'm gettin' peanut butter for Christmas.
     Cause I ain't been peanut butter..."
319. Replace the Jai-Lai puck with something a little less dangerous. Or did we already mention accelerating it to the speed of light and standing in its path?
320. Fill the chimney with it so Santa will get stuck. On Christmas morning light a fire in the fireplace.
321. "Found a peanut butter,
     Found a peanut butter,
     Found a peanut butter just now,
     Just now I found a peanut butter,
     Found a peanut butter just now..."
322. Stick car parts together with it.
323. Eyebrow and leg wax.
324. Use it to stick nuts to the tree to tease squirrels.
325. You don't need uses for peanut butter, really. Peanut butter is an end unto itself.
326. If someone is on a high building, yelling that they're going to jump, quickly get a large vat of peanut butter and position it just under them.
327. Teach it to skate.
328. Invoke the peanut butter clause.
329. Exorcize it.
330. The inspector has been shot. Round up the usual peanut butters."
331. Play it again, Jiffy.
332. Surely Inspector Gadget had some peanut butter on him somewhere...
333. "Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find me the bread. This peanut butter will self-destruct in five seconds."
334. Rewritable Peanut Butter Discs. (RPBDs)
335. Trap a genie in it.
336. "Hey, Milhouse. What do you have for lunch?"

     "Lemme see. Oh, boy, Baloney! What do you have, Bart?"

     "Oh, peanut butter on a playing card. Wanna trade?"

337. Did you know that Altavista lists almost 2,000 pages that contain both the phrase "peanut butter" and the word "f***" in them? It's quite amazing.
338. "Ok, everyone, put your Peanut Butter thinking caps on..."
339. If Superman isn't around to save the day, sculpt a quick trestle bridge out of peanut butter so that the 6:15 express train won't fall in the gorge.
340. Store Kryptonite in it.
341. Astronauts can use it to tack things in place temporarily so they won't float away.
342. Micrometeor catcher.
343. Use it to shore up the leaning tower of Pisa so that it won't fall over.
344. Did someone say Leaning Tower of Peanut Butter?
345. Use it to make your e-mail wrap properly.
346. The Million Jar March on Washington for Peanut Butter Rights!
347. Return of the Peanut Butter
348. The Peanut Butter Strikes Back
349. Night of the Killer PB
350. The first peanut butter to set jar on the moon...
351. (Dippy electronic voice) The peanut butter is ajar. The peanut butter is ajar. The peanut butter is ajar.....
352. We have pH, why not pB?
353. Have peanut butter answer the phone.
354. Bribe the Vatican into changing the Lord's Prayer to say, "Give us this day our daily peanut butter."
355. Volunteer to teach a night class on "PB Technology" at your local technical college.
356. Have a peanut butter spitting contest.
357. "I've got a jar of whoop-ass peanut butter... don't make me open this!"

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people have visited this page since May 27, 1998.
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