2000 Uses for Peanut Butter ...and then some!

By Wheeitologists from all over!

"The other list in my life." -- Andy Kerr

© 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999 Andy Kerr and Nathan Eady. All rights reserved.
Contact Andy Kerr or Nathan Eady for permissions.

This page is sponsored and hosted by Alabaster Design Services. Give them a visit!

This just in! The PB Page wins the Wurst of the Web award for March 3, 1999!

Last updated March 6, 1999.

What's up with the stoplights? Click here to see our rating system.

1. Lace it with cyanide and feed it to Barney.
2. Plug up the nursery's electric outlets to protect little fingers.
3. Inhale deeply...
4. Throw this list away and just eat it on sandwiches. Loser.
5. See how much will fit in a floppy disk drive slot. (NIMBY)
6. About April, use it to stick (whole) eggs inside the heating ducts.
7. Give your cat a bath in it. This is also a form of torture.
8. New diet: nothing but peanut butter 5 days a week. The other two days you are also allowed water.
9. Stir in some Napalm and feed it to Barney.
10. Mix it with Drano and feed it to Barney.
11. Use it in a fire extinguisher instead of carbon dioxide.
12. Add Ebola to it and feed it to Barney.
13. See how much it takes to stop up the laser printer in the lab.
14. Cover yourself in peanut butter. Claim you are decently clothed.
15. End your roommate's snoring problem.... for good.
16. Dip your car in peanut butter. Tell the insurance agent it was an Act of God.
17. Have yourself nailed to a cross of peanut butter jars. Seek shelter behind the first amendment.
18. Sniff it if you run out of cocaine.
19. Inject it under your skin with a hypodermic needle for a "cheap high."
20. Fire extinguisher refill.
21. Put it in roommate's CD player; hit play. Leave. Permanently.
22. Store extension cords in it for safe keeping.
23. Boil heretics in it.
24. Use as a chain letter. (The peanut butter has traveled around the world seven times...)
25. Use to pick up the dust from inside your computer.
26. Practical joke: Peanut Butter up the nose of sleeping victim.
27. Buy a lot of it; bomb all the peanut-producing countries into oblivion; make a mint.
28. Snort it. Don't sue me.
29. Keeps contact lenses from falling out.
30. Keep some in your floppy disk case just in case.
31. In the list above number 66 word six is the word "for." Base a cult on the premise that the antichrist will play golf and so no good Christian should.
32. Use it in place if eyedrops.
33. Prosthetic Appendix
34. Alternative punishment: don't spank your child; secure him to the ceiling with peanut butter.
35. Put little bits of it in your cassette player to create neat distortions of sound when you play your music.
36. Use it to lubricate your mouse's tracking ball to eliminate pesky "jumping."
37. Use it to clog your tear ducts.
38. Cross-post messages about it to alt.fan.limbaugh and alt.feminism to see if you can Spam Usenet.
39. Clean your CD-ROM drive.
40. Mix with antifreeze to prevent boil-overs in hot, stop-and-go traffic.
41. Peanut butter, peanut butter, give me your answer do....
42. Coat your motherboard and hard drive with it. Dance around the roaring fire singing "Jingle Bell Rock".
43. Use it for better heat transfer between your CPU and the heat sink.
44. Figure out how tall the Empire State Building is by dropping jars of peanut butter from the observation deck.
45. Eating peanut butter at ground zero... what a way to go!
46. Fill halfway with warm water. Add dry ice. Cap tightly. Don't even think of doing this with a glass jar.
47. Add it to your gas tank to prevent water condensation.
48. Try using it as currency in real life. (Make sure you have your "get out of jail free" card first, though.)
49. Peanut butter shots. (Anything is better than the green stuff...)
50. Add peanut butter to your gas. See if you can make smoke trails.
51. Use your knowledge of Greek to find evidence of peanut butter in the Bible.
52. Search the Hebrew to see if Manna was actually peanut butter sandwiches.
53. Smother smoke detectors with it so that you can burn things in peace and quiet.
54. Bury nuclear wastes in it. Skip the country.
55. Inject into bloodstream in small doses. Build up immunity, just in case.
56. Use it to make physical adjustments to your keyboard's typematic rate.
57. If you get the card, go out and charge 100,000 jars of peanut butter to it.
58. Keep contacts firmly in place.
59. Balance a 10 lb. jar on top of a door, to knock out unexpected visitors.
60. Inject it under the skin instead of cortizone to remove wrinkles.
61. Mix it with anthrax; mail it to abortion clinics.
62. "Mommy, mommy! I can't breathe through my nose!"

    "Shut up or I'll stuff your mouth with peanut butter, too."

63. Put a full jar of peanut butter in the microwave; set it for the maximum amount of time at maximum power. Leave the house.
64. Experiment with a tank of oxygen and a blender to see if you can get breathable peanut butter.
65. Cult of the Peanut Butter...
66. Toasted toes taste terriffic with peanut butter.
67. Put it in your pipe and smoke it!
68. Drop some in the sump in the basement to see how much peanut butter it can bail.
69. If you work in an operating room, sculpt "extra" organs out of PB. Slip them in when no one's looking.
70. Use it like smelling salts to revive the head surgeon when he faints in panic over the "kidney" that just disintegrated in his hand.
71. Glop some on your computer's CPU to keep it cool.
72. Lubricate your hard drive with it to get better access times.
73. Give yourself a very large amount of peanut butter enema. Chunky works best, and for extra effect stir some chocolate sauce into it first. Pump as much as you can up your backside and hold it in. Travel to Turkey, and in the airport ask "What, legally, constitutes a bomb that I wouldn't be allowed to bring through here?" Keep asking what you would be allowed to bring through in the way of explosive stuff. See if you can get them to do a stripsearch. If you can, just when they get ready to search your backside, let loose the PB enema with all your might. If you really have nerve, you'll then start eating it.
74. Stick a jar of peanut butter in your electric clothes dryer. Close the door. Set it for 70 minutes. Listen to the thumping. When it quits, take out the jar, open it, and put it back in. Set it for another 70 minutes.
75. Use peanut butter as a new alias for Grubor. See if it lands in the Global Killfile.
76. Have glaucoma? Inject just a little peanut butter into the eye to "help clear it up". Go see the eye specialist and ask his opinion on your home remedy. Refuse to tell him what you did, exactly, but insist that it's a "well-documented natural cure" and that you're sure it'll work, given enough time.
77. Use it instead of gravel in your fishtanks.
78. Coat your urethra with PB when passing a kidney stone.
79. Cover your hands with a protective layer of peanut butter before trying to stop that chainsaw blade by hand.
80. Grease caltrops with it so they'll be sure to slide into enemy feet quickly and easily.
81. If your headlight burns out, cover the other one with peanut butter so they match.
82. Mix it with one of the two tubes that comes in a package of epoxy glue. Mix the other half into the jelly. Forge a note from your mom to your younger sibling suggesting peanut butter and jelly for lunch.
83. If you want to gain some SERIOUS weight, mix Pb with your PB!
84. Biology lab: Devise and carry out an experiment to determine the toxicity of peanut butter to the average human male. Continue your experiment until expiration.
85. Mix it with one of the two tubes that comes in a package of epoxy glue. Mix the other half into the jelly. Forge a note from your mom to your younger sibling suggesting peanut butter and jelly for lunch.
86. Give your keyboard a softer touch....
87. If you need to run your car in a closed garage, plug up the tailpipe with peanut butter first to prevent carbon monoxide poisoning.
88. Jonadab's Magic Hair Growth Formula:
    1 cup peanut butter
    1 cup ammonia
    1/2 cup isopryptol
    1/4 cup popcorn salt
    2 TBSP nutmeg
    1/2 tsp black pepper

    Dissolve the salt in the alcohol. Chill overnight in freezer. Remove and crush. Spread over one half of a damp towel, then fold the towel over to cover it. Lay in a bowl.

    Combine peanut butter and ammonia in saucepan. Heat, stirring continually, to 300 Fahrenheit. Add the nutmeg and pepper and continue stirring over heat for five minutes. Remove from heat and immediately pour into bowl over the towell. Prepare subject's head (or wherever hair growth is desired) by making a series of parallel fine cuts with a sharp blade. After the contents of the bowl have cooled to the point where they will not scald the skin, remove the towel and make a compress of it over the area. Hold in place 30 minutes. Repeat once a day for two months. No one has ever done this and failed to grow large amounts of hair in the desired place.

89. Be the first to break that smooth, glossy surface... of every jar in the store.
90. New form of torture: sew the prisoner's lips together, then put him in a room full of peanut butter. Tell him to write out what you want to know in the peanut butter on the walls with his finger.
91. Lock a person you want to torture in a room. Dip dead mice in peanut butter and hang them from the ceiling in there. Give the person nothing (else) to eat. They will have to lick the peanut butter from the dead mice. Each day let the dead mice age longer before putting them in the room, and put less and less peanut butter on each one.
92. "Of course, of course. From some Libian nationalists. They wanted me to build them a bomb, so I took their peanut butter and gave them a shoddy bomb casing filled with used pinball machine parts."
93. Use it to stick antlers to your dog's head so you can be the Grinch.
94. Create a jail cell that's lined from wall to wall with electric outlets, each on its own circuit. Plug them all with peanut butter. Put your prisoners in there and give them nothing (else) to eat. Make sure they're barefoot and the floor is metal.
95. If you have a broken jaw and the oral surgeon is booked solid for a month, mix peanut butter with contact cement and fill your mouth with that to immobilize your jaw.
96. Tie it to the railroad tracks.
97. Add PCP to PB to create mass hysteria so that you can take control of the country without interference.
98. On the fourth of July, pack fireworks into a large jar of PB and light the fuse. (Admire from a distance...)

---

---

Awards and Recognition

people have visited this page since May 27, 1998.
I don't understand it, either.
Get an LE FastCounter of your own