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Uses 3401-3489

  1. Plaster up a mohawk.
  2. Spread it across your teeth and smile really big at that anoying geek who has a crush on you.
  3. Use globs of it on homecoming night instead of eggs.
  4. Put it on the seat someones pants when there is a dog around and watch them try to get the dog from sniffing his/her butt.
  5. Put it in someones beer when they arent looking.
  6. Use it to write on car windows instead of shoe polish.
  7. Go around the neighborhood putting it under the handles of car doors.
  8. Find an unsuspecting person and ask them if they'd snort it for a buck.
  9. Scare your psychologist by replying "Peanut butter!" every time he/she shows you an 'ink blot' test.
  10. Annoy your friends by replying "peanut butter" to any philosophical questions. Example: "What is the meaning of life?" "Peanut butter usage... Duh!"
  11. Substitute a 15mm chilled sphere of PB when short on olives in making yourself a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
  12. Use peanut butter in place of a cam while climbing lead--then when you come back down to clean the route, you've got a handy snack waiting for you.
  13. While playing polo in the middle East, feed it the your opponent's camels to slow their progress, 'cause we all know how much camels like PB!
  14. Makes a great diaper rash cream!
  15. Baby crying? Use peanut butter as a "pacifier."
  16. "Accidentally" feed it to annoying family members allergic to nuts.
  17. Eliminate your competition by feeding it to beauty queens allergic to nuts.
  18. Now's a good time to finish grouting the kitchen.
  19. Goes great with bologna!
  20. Use it to paste Gilbert Gottfried's mouth shut.
  21. Hijack a float at the Rose Parade and toss jars to the crowds.
  22. Overstuff a colostomy bag with it, then call the night nurse.
  23. Make quack home remedies and sell them at a profit.
  24. Say It With Peanut ButterĘ. Need I say more?
  25. Add pimentos to put normal fake vomit to shame.
  26. Apply for a patent for the PB 'n' Bologna Sandwich.
  27. Take some to SeaWorld to eliminate the price of feedins'.
  28. Coat a violin with it and try to play it.
  29. Carve and paint frozen peanut butter to look just like everything in your bosses office, then replace everything in the office with the peanut butter replicas. Do this late Friday evening for maximum effect on Monday.
  30. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a peanut butter.
  31. Let some sit in a wooden barrel. After 10 years, put whatever is in there through a strainer. Who wants "peanut wine?"
  32. Windshield washer fluid. Need I say more?
  33. Fill the bases with it just before a baseball game. Remember to poke some holes!
  34. Put a stethoscope up to a jar of it and don't stop listening until you hear a heartbeat.
  35. Find a way to get the peanut butter into your mouth without touching it with your hands or any eating utensils. Be creative.
  36. Jump in it.
  37. Do a handstand in it.
  38. Karate chop it.
  39. Write a heartfelt sonnet about it and program a computer virus that will E-Mail your poem to everyone on the Internet before wiping out their hard drives.
  40. Stick it between Legos so your creations don't fall apart.
  41. Put some in a half-full bottle of Pepsi and shake well.
  42. Put some in a sibling's hat.
  43. I love the gel bicycle seat I have....how much more comfy could it be with PB? (no chunky please.....although....hmmmm)
  44. Feed it to "Chubby."
  45. If you're working on the roof, and you don't have one of those neat little
    flat-sided pencils, use some peanut butter to keep your regular pencil
    from rolling off.
  46. You know how fortune tellers used to tell your fortune using tea leaves? well
    modern fortune tellers use peanut butter. What you do is you spread the
    peanut butter on a slice of bread and put another peice on top to make a
    sandwhich. Then you hand it to the fortune teller, who very carefully opens up
    the sandwhich. Depending on how the peanut butter is bumped up or what
    patters it makes, the fortune teller can give you your fortune.
  47. Slow down the spin in the washing machine.
  48. Go to the local bakery that does "photo on a cake" and get them to print a photo on some peanut butter.
  49. Ply it.
  50. Dye it.
  51. French-fry it.
  52. Hack it.
  53. Smack it.
  54. Shellac it.
  55. Shower with it.
  56. Water flowers with it.
  57. Dance away the hours with it.
  58. Cook with it.
  59. Just look at it.
  60. Write a Dr. Seuss-like book with it.
  61. Get an ass tattoo of Peter Pan.
  62. Have them put a likeness of Mr. Peanut on the other cheek.
  63. If you go to prison, show off the tattoos and tell the inmates you're "PB's bitch" to get them to leave you alone.
  64. Make gourmet peanut butter in different flavors, like chocolate, strawberry, banana, and grape.
  65. Dye peanut butter various colors. Spread on a large Rice Krispy square to make edible art.
  66. Make Fluffernutters, the stoner's snack of choice: Take two slices of bread, spread with peanut butter, add marshmallow creme, slap together and serve.
  67. Stuff it in the lining of your coat and see if it deflects bullets. Be sure to aim for a non-vital spot.
  68. Expose peanut butter to a large amount of beta radiation. Use it for these next four ideas.
  69. Feed some irradiated peanut butter to an uncommon pet (parrots and iguanas work well), and score yourself for each of the following: 5 points for every ten feet that the animal adds to its height or length (to a maximum of 100 points.) 20 points for every sci-fi-type ability that the animal is granted (energy rings from eyes, metallic body, etc.) Double your score if your subject is still friendly/affectionate toward you/does your bidding. Triple your score if the subject stands on two legs and becomes intelligent, and quadruple it if it can be taught ninjutsu.
  70. Take irradiated peanut butter to the zoo or circus. If anyone catches you, tell them it's a publicity stunt. Score yourself as above.
  71. When buying the little feeder fish at SeaWorld, place a pinch of irradiated peanut butter into each one. Score yourself. (You may also want to tell the caretaker to move the boundaries of the "splash zone.")
  72. Have some yourself and see if you turn into a superhero, like in the comics.
  73. Have a big peanut butter and banana sandwich with a tall glass of cold milk. Congratulations. You've just eaten something from all four food groups.
  74. Replace your uncle's snuff with powdered peanut butter.
  75. A handyman only needs two tools: WD-40 and peanut butter (it succeeds where duct tape failed.)
  76. "Who Moved My Peanut Butter?"
  77. Record an album that sings the praises of peanut butter. Be sure to include a "Spam is dead" backward message.
  78. Charlie Brown once said that people who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely. Forget him---Wheeitologists stick together!
  79. Market a "Lite" brand of peanut butter, and include footage of celebrities going at each other's jugulars over whether the product "tastes good" or "fills you up less." (Lines changed to avoid litigation.)
  80. Combine a slice of bread, peanut butter, a few raisins and a toothpick to create a miniature zen garden.
  81. Take it to family gatherings. After all, peanut butter is thicker than blood OR water!
  82. Draw weird symbols in your peanut butter. Try to cast spells with them.
  83. Cement the dean's desk to the ceiling during Senior Prank Week.
  84. Shape peanut butter into bullets and play a kid-friendly Russian Roulette where no one gets killed and the "loser" gets a tasty surprise.
  85. Set up a gig for your rock band. Ask to be paid with your weight in peanut butter.
  86. Thin peanut butter with a little milk. Put the concoction into a pastry tube and frost cakes with it.
  87. Break out your old Play-Doh Fun Factory and make peanut butter tubes, crosses and "hair."
  88. Spread it on the floor before you take dance lessons. Your instructor will leave fresh footprints in the PB, which you can then follow.
  89. Use peanut butter to lure Neanderthals back to your time machine.
  90. Better yet, use it to get your annoying kid brother into the time machine. Go to the dawn of time and push him out. Shout "Hey Jimmy (or whatever)... got milk?" and blast off, laughing maniacally. Be sure to have a good explanation when your parents come home.
  91. Clone dinosaurs in it.
  92. Teach your cloned dinosaurs to exist on (nutrient-enriched) peanut butter instead of tons of plant matter or each other. This will increase the chance of them surviving in today's modern society.
  93. Find anagrams for "peanut butter," like... "punt brute tea."
  94. Much easier to apply than female condoms...
  95. "A peanut butter sandwich a day keeps the doctor in your house, begging for a piece."
  96. Does anyone else under the age of sixty remember that episode of MacGuyver where he defuses the time bomb with a length of rubber hose, vice grips, and a jar of peanut butter?
  97. Solicit a government grant on whether peanut butter contributes to global warming.
  98. Put peanut butter on the feet of your pet squirrel. Videotape it walking on the ceiling and convince your friends it developed super powers after you fed it radioactive peanut butter, which also explains the smell.
  99. Creamy PB -- Harmless Your use here.... write to kerr@kconline.com to submit your use!

    This is NOT The End... Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

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    © 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002 Andy Kerr and Nathan Eady. All rights reserved. Last updated December 29, 2003


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