The Bare-Bones version of 2000 Uses for Peanut Butter

2000 Uses for Peanut Butter: The Essential List

© 1996-2002 Andy Kerr and Nathan Eady.

This is just the bare-bones list. To go back to the full-featured, all-singing, all-dancing version, click here.

Feed large globs of it to your dog for cheap entertainment.
Mix it with egg whites and ammonia to see if it takes out stains.
Lace it with cyanide and feed it to Barney.
Spread it on the dog's back to watch him go crazy.
Squish it between your fingers in the lunchroom muttering "Only two more hours and I have so much left to study..."
Plug holes in your paneling walls.
Make sure you have some stuck in your fingernails whenever you go on a blind date.
Carry it around in your duffel in case of emergencies.
Use it to stick things if you run out of duct tape.
If you see a freshly poured sidewalk drying drop globs of Peanut Butter into the cement to create "holes" later.
Drop it from a plane over Ethiopia to feed all the starving children.
Keep a jar in your car because it rhymes.
Have an art class paint "still life" pictures of it.
Have the astronauts leave some of it in orbit.
Rub it on sore muscles.
Save it up so you will have plenty during your retirement years.
Make "Cream of Peanut Butter" soup.
Plug up the nursery's electric outlets to protect little fingers.
Mix it with a large amount of brown sugar. Form into small spheres. Set on cookie sheet and leave on counter as if cooling.
Take one bite then chew for several minutes to see if anyone notices. If not, keep chewing. After half an hour try to talk.
Put it in the bell of your brass instrument to make interesting new sounds. Try different amounts.
Coat the lower half of your bicycle with it. Ride around town so everyone will think you were riding in the mud.
Fill a swimming pool with it and hang a "basket" on the edge and get all your friends together to play "Killer BBall."
Two words: eye shadow.
Keep some in your wallet "just in case."
Inhale deeply...
Use it in cookie recipes in place of the butter.
Some people like it on scrambled eggs...
Lubricate the garbage disposal with it occasionally.
Throw this list away and just eat it on sandwiches. Loser.
Keep out of reach of children.
If you have pimples spread it on your face overnight as an acne treatment to clear up the complexion.
Mail it to Barney. Hope it has a similar effect as with a dog.
Let it dry out and use it as silly putty.
Let it dry out and use it as fake plastic explosive in a joke.
Spread it on your palm then go through a wedding reception line.
Make Peanut Butter Vegetable and Beef Soup.
See how much will fit in a floppy disk drive slot. (NIMBY)
Write a computer program that simulates Virtual Peanut Butter.
Make Freshmen wear it on their foreheads during initiation week.
It feels great squishing between the toes.
About April, use it to stick (whole) eggs inside the heating ducts.
Drop large globs of it out of an airplane over New York City.
Use it if you run out of plastic wood.
Fill up your naval and pretend you are either Adam or Eve.
Start a new cult and worship it. (Okay, that's evil.)
Eat loads of it in front of starving people. This is a form of torture.
Give your cat a bath in it. This is also a form of torture.
Fire it out of a sawed-off shotgun.
Spread it on celery sticks.
Use it to feed the fish.
New diet: nothing but peanut butter 5 days a week. The other two days you are also allowed water.
Hide it in your sock to keep it from getting stolen.
If you are a doctor, prescribe it to your patients regularly.
If you have tight clothing such as stretch pants use it as a lubricant to help get them on.
Stir in some Napalm and feed it to Barney.
New Olympic Event: PB Swimming.
Suggest it (as a type of shield) to the makers of Scorched Earth.
Give it to druggies to help combat withdrawal.
Put it between the pages of library books you hate.
Take it on Safari instead of water because it doesn't evaporate as fast.
If you forget your kneaded eraser for Intro to drawing class just take that "just in case" Peanut Butter out of your duffel and play with THAT instead of paying attention.
Fill your punching bag with it. Pressurize for added effect. Box with spiked knuckles.
Use it as "heavy" ammo for your Super Soaker 11000.
Mix it with Drano and feed it to Barney.
Nail it to the wall for a decoration.
In Descent IV it would make a great weapon.
Use it in a fire extinguisher instead of carbon dioxide.
Add Ebola to it and feed it to Barney.
Switch it for someone's deodorant.
Subject it to electrolysis just to see what happens.
Spread it on Spam to improve the flavor.
Use it as your secret weapon in a pillow fight.
Wing a glob at the neighbor's dog once a day.
Donate massive amounts of it the American Diabetes Association.
Use it to fertilize your garden. Weeding was never so much fun!
Use it in your explanation of the fabled noodle incident.
Devise an experiment to discover its tensile strength.
Make milkshakes out of it.
Keep some with the old blanket in the trunk of your car just in case.
Plant two rows of it in your garden and complain that it doesn't grow.
Spread it on your left hand. Let it dry. Rub your hands together until you have little clumps and rolls of dried peanut butter. Spread them around on your test paper to make it look like you erased a lot.
Use it to stick up posters signs and photographs in your room.
See how large a glop you can flush down the toilet at once.
See how much of it your vacuum cleaner can handle.
Expose it to radiation. Feed it to hamsters. Be sure to read the horror movie survival guide in preparation for the results.
Knock on it for good luck if there is no wood around.
Spread it on the chalkboard in a classroom when there is going to be a substitute teacher.
Fill a room with it knee-deep and have a massive wrestling match with your friends.
Spread it over your door during Freshman Initiations to let the others know an upperclassman lives there.
Keep some in your first aid kit just in case.
See how much it takes to stop up the laser printer in the lab.
Kick it in the face of 97 lb. weaklings in the lunchroom.
Send 1797 jars of it to the crew of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and see what they say about it on the show.
Give a jar of it to your father for Christmas.
Give someone with dentures a lifetime supply.
Give a few dozen jars to the astronauts to play with in zero gravity.
Drop large globs of it out of an airplane over your college. Try to hit one of the professors.
Keep some in your basement tornado shelter just in case.
One word: Gargle.
Get gum out of your hair with it.
Leave it in your hair and let people get very hungry from the smell.
Create hair sculptures.
Use it instead of massage oil.
Use it instead of KY. (Don't ask.)
Muffle your roommates stereo speakers.
No shaving cream? No problem!
Three words: Slip and Slide.
Get that tan you always wanted.
Put several cases in the back of your car for better winter traction.
Use it to bribe Nathan Eady to get up at 5:30 am and finish your Philosophy paper for you. (Note: This works! I've tried it!)
Grease doorknobs during freshman initiation.
No goldfish? Have a peanut butter swallowing contest!
Empty several jars into a toilet. Take bets about how long it will take the Physical Plant custodians to work up the nerve.
Can't throw a newly engaged guy in the lake because it's winter? Stuff his backside with peanut butter and force him to walk back from Miller field through the woods! (It has happened.)
Two words: Mud baths!
Replace salt licks with a healthier alternative.
Debate with Dr. Forbes about whether peanut butter is a God-created thing. (But not if its sin...)
Waterbed too bouncy? It's time for a refill......
Cover yourself in peanut butter. Claim you are decently clothed.
Wash your hair with it. This puts protein into your hair.
Color it. Use it as finger paint in children's church.
Color it. Use it in place of Play-Doh.
Use it in place of Super Poly Grip to hold your dentures in place.
Mud wrestling. Loser cleans up.... with his or her tongue.
Fill your oil pan with liquefied peanut butter. Go to Q-Lube and ask for an oil change.
Re-create the La Brea tar pits. Have your roommate demonstrate how difficult it must have been for the mammoths to move and breathe in a thick, oily substance.
At county fairs have local artists sculpt it in refrigerated display cases.
Secretly mix some in with a potter's clay. Commission a piece.
Go gourmet. Create and market itty bitty jars of gourmet flavored peanut butter. Include Amaretto, French Roast, French Vanilla and Mint Creme. When you make a million, I'll sue you and prove it was my idea.
Cover the parking lot with it. Do doughnuts.
Replace the dirt at racetracks with something a little more forgiving.
Fill the water pits on the 3000 meter steeplechase with peanut butter to give the runners both incentive and nutrition.
Insulate your home. Fill in window leaks and add a layer around hot water pipes.
Get an electric buffer. Polish the floor with it. The warm brown glow will add to any decor and the scent adds ambiance.
Drop it from an airplane to feed all the starving Americans.
Make those communion wafers much more palatable.
One word: Stucco.
Create a new way of cooking. Deep fry everything in peanut butter.
Keep those pesky trash can liners in place.
Attract all the ants and kill them all at once.
Eat it off of your lover's body.
Use it as a less destructive alternative to shaving cream when decorating a car.
New event: Peanut Butter Put. Guys throw an 18 ounce jar girls, 12 ounces.
Mix peanut butter jelly bread and ice in a blender. Market it as the PB&J Slurpee.
Create soft sculpted backgrounds for taking portraits.
Give a case to Jenn Case, just in case.
Who cares about the peanut butter? The jars make great storage containers.
Get revenge against the frat guys who build beer can walls. Build a peanut butter jar wall.
Write comparison & contrast papers in Effective Writing on the differences between Skippy and Jiffy.
Come up with better names for peanut butter brands.
Get out your alchemy set and try to turn it into gold.
Use it as a landing pad for track & field events.
Load large gobs of it into catapults and take aim.
In summer, cover a hillside with it. Try to ski.
Cover babies in it, especially the thumbs and toes. This will ensure adequate nutrition.
Put a large amount in a disposable diaper. Sit around in a public place eating it with a spoon. An undiapered infant nearby will heighten the effect.
End your roommate's snoring problem.... for good.
Dip your car in peanut butter. Tell the insurance agent it was an Act of God.
Do an Andy Warhol tribute; Paint 30 jars of peanut butter, 300 times.
Do a Jackson Pollock tribute; go to the airport and throw peanut butter into the jet blast of taxiing airliners.
Do a Christo tribute; cover several small islands in peanut butter.
Do a Degas tribute: "Drowning Dog-- In Peanut Butter" (Editor's Note: It should be noted that Drowning Dog is a painting, not something to do with a pet. Thanks. -A.)
Do a Jasper Johns tribute: Stick a coat hanger in a jar of peanut butter.
Drag naked women through it. Call it performance art.
Have yourself nailed to a cross of peanut butter jars. Seek shelter behind the first amendment.
Bury it.
Add chemicals to it. See if you can make it explode.
Use it for target practice.
Surprise your child at Christmas time with a few cases.
State in your will that you wish to be buried in peanut butter.
State in your will that you wish to be cremated and that your ashes be stored in a peanut butter jar.
Tell morbid stories about peanut butter to your little brother at bedtime.
Attempt to get peanut butter officially named as the state food.
The Peanut Butter Pit: the new penalty for not scanning your disks.
Coat the blackboard with it. See what you can make stick from the back of the classroom. Extra points for the computers; triple your score for a lab assistant automatic win if it's Nathan Case.
Have a good old fashioned food fight.
Keep it between the folds in your skin for "safe keeping."
Arrange it in many different poses and photograph it. Be creative.
Use it as a nasal decongestant. It may also be good as an asthma-inhaler refill.
Sniff it if you run out of cocaine.
Use it to keep your earphone in place.
Swish it back and forth between your teeth.
Make slogans about peanut butter and use them during a political campaign.
Bait fish hooks.
Shoot it out of a cannon.
Videotape it. Watch it in slo-mo.
Spread it on cancerous lumps as a special form of chemotherapy.
Design an aerobic workout fitness machine called the PB2000 that uses peanut butter in its hydraulic systems and enables the user to "burn the equivalent of 2000 grams of peanut butter in a 45-minute workout!" Create an infomercial featuring a dozen extremely thin and scantily clad models (most of them female) eating loads of peanut butter while exercising on the PB2000. Explain that the PB2000 folds nicely and fits in a standard-size briefcase. Cut me in on the profits.
Expose it to radiation until it glows in the dark. Sell it to fourth graders as "secret army rations."
Drop it into the bathroom stall if you don't have the nerve to actually "sky dump."
Soak cucumbers in it for three weeks along with dill and 14 other spices. PB Pickles!
Use it if you run out of deodorant.
Eat microwaved (warmed) peanut butter right before you sing a solo. Wash it down with warm milk.
Make tunnels and houses for your gerbils out of the (almost) empty peanut butter jars.
When going to a job interview wear peanut butter inside your underwear for good luck.
Make Christmas tree decorations out of it.
Do a biology experiment to bring peanut butter to LIFE! BwwaHaHaHaHa!!!
String clumps of it onto yarn to make a necklace.
Inject it under your skin with a hypodermic needle for a "cheap high."
Braid it.
Play cat's cradle with it.
Wrap up in it to keep warm on a cold day.
Smear it on your forehead to absorb sweat in the summer.
Keep some of it on hand when you jog so you can fend off attack dogs. (also entertaining)
Use it instead of Miracle Whip.
Make fake water stains on the ceiling tiles.
Push it under someone's door during a prank war.
Fill balloons with it and have a "peanut butter balloon fight" with all your friends.
Refer to peanut butter in your excuses -- there's just something believable about peanut butter.
Make up absurd quotes about it and end every conversation with one.
Blow bubbles with it in the elevator. Look around at the other passengers as if you are paranoid.
Stick the insoles back in your shoes with it.
Coat the apples with it when you are going to bob for apples in the fall.
Cast peanut butter instead of casting lots.
Feed it to your pet Steve.
Have congress declare "National Peanut Butter Awareness Week."
Boycott your school's cafeteria until they agree to include peanut butter in every dish.
Balance a jar on your head 24 hours a day. If anyone asks say "What, you've never seen anyone balance a jar of peanut butter on his head before?
Use it if you don't have any Neosporin.
Stir with milk as replacement for Metamucil.
Fill any open drawer space with peanut butter.
Hold dish of it upside down over the dog to see how long it takes to flop out.
Use it in bioneural gelpacks.
Use it to reverse the tackion field.
Start the Church Of Peanut Butter on the WWW. Watch religious wars between it and the Church of Spam.
Charcoal briquettes.
Accelerate PB to the speed of light and see what happens to it.
Use in a piÒata -- extra creamy.
Sofa cushion.
Use to promote international fascism.
Add to Spam salad sandwich.
When your Walkman batteries burn out, try peanut butter.
Fire extinguisher refill.
Door stop.
Fill pillowcase for better night's sleep.
Sell by the ton as a fund-raiser.
New Snapple Iced-Tea flavor.
Use as aphrodisiac. Don't ask.
Use peanut butter crumbs for pie crust.
Peanut butter bird bath.
Use it as your secret weapon when playing Calvinball.
Use as windshield-wiper fluid.
Use as a welcome mat.
Two words: Hackey Sack.
Make badminton birdies with it.
Artist's gum eraser.
Make a collage. Use whatever other materials are necessary.
Form into kernels and use as popcorn.
Use as mouthwash.
Valve oil.
TP
SDI
Ask someone to hold onto your glob of peanut butter for just a minute while you ...
Use in place of Primatine Mist.
Put it in roommate's CD player; hit play. Leave. Permanently.
One word: doorknob.
Squeeze it and make peanut butter juice.
If you read this list and laugh your butt off, stick it back on with peanut butter.
Great coffee table ornament.
Chia PB.
Feed it to Recussa-Anne.
Spread it on bread -- go figure.
Combat the hole in the ozone layer by replacing your air conditioner's freon with peanut butter.
Mend window screens.
Spread on bald head to see if it grows.
Use on roommates who snore.
The Franklin Mint Hand Crafted Peanut Butter Chess Set.
Store extension cords in it for safe keeping.
Boil heretics in it.
Stuff it inside your lip so it looks like you dip tobacco.
Use it if you run out of chapstick.
Brush your teeth with it.
Plug up someone's tailpipe as a practical joke.
Keeps chimney brushes bright and shiny.
Polish your sandals with it.
Make sure you have plenty under your toenails before going to the beach.
Write grocery lists with it if you run out of ink.
Put a newborn's feet in it and have the dog lick it off for perverse entertainment.
Use as suppositories.
Combine with brown food coloring and serve at the table of a formal banquet.
Use it for white-out when writing on brown paper bags.
Stick your roommate's shoes to the ceiling.
Experimental fuel in the next space shuttle.
Use as packing in taxidermy.
Great for removing duct tape residue.
Eat radioactive peanut butter and become the intrepid Peanut Butter Man!
Throw globs of it in Barney's eyes dancing madly around him singing "I Love You" and kicking him in the shins.
Send several cases of extra-salty to the President.
Use as a base for makeup.
Two words: night mask.
Use as mortar between bricks.
Fill in cavities with it.
Inflate beach ball or car tires with it.
Use as a chain letter. (The peanut butter has traveled around the world seven times...)
Fill the Grand Canyon with it for safer bungee jumping fun.
"In the event that we lose cabin pressure, jars of peanut butter will fall from the ceiling..."
The next thing David Copperfield makes disappear.
Use to mark place in textbook.
Use in place of spray starch when ironing.
Submerge it in a mug of hot Swiss Miss.
Fill aluminum cans with it so that they weigh in heavier at the recycling plant.
Fill dirt.
Use in place of laundry detergent.
Air freshener.
Amazing flat tire sealant.
Use it as postage when you mail Dr. Johnson to Abu Dhabi with a return address in Tajikistan.
Use to pick up the dust from inside your computer.
Digitally integrate it into Descent III as the supreme Master Villain.
You don't wanna know.
"Tell us what we want to know or we feed you Peanut Butter with a switchblade"
Use it to re-ink printer ribbons.
Paint ball? Try Peanut Butter ball!!
Hit it with a laser, just for kicks.
Practical joke: Peanut Butter up the nose of sleeping victim.
Use it in place of Velcro.
Peanut Butter: The Art you can eat!
Use peanut butter in Hypercerebrostatic Electropsychodihemispheral Neurosadomassichiticulotitilitory Keneticodiscombobulatory Imulohydrolysistic Numboconiculosombrenomaltic Testing (HENKIN Testing)
Have freshmen stuff a full two layer peanut butter sandwich in their mouth for initiation. They can have nothing to drink.
Add Peanut Butter to the list of 101 Practical Puppet Team Prop Ideas.
Anybody remember the TV Game Show called "Double Dare" ?
Spread it on wedges of cheese.
Add it to the mouth of someone who likes to guffaw a bit too loudly.
Use it to sound-proof your dorm room.
Give it to Sesame Street's character the "Count" so he can break off and count bits of it indefinitely.
Play "kick the can" with full cans of PB.
Use as bug repellent.
Use as bait in insect trap.
Put it on someone's chair.
Eat it on an apple.
Ton of Peanut Butter (a Scorched Earth thing.)
If your alarm clock quits working...
Use it instead of hair spray.
Use it to numb wounds before applying stitches.
Fling spoonfuls into a fan to keep you cool in the summer.
Use it if you run out of ketchup.
Cover your eyes with it. Go wash in Winona Lake. See if you still need your glasses.
Who needs spitwads?
Pardon me while I pump more Peanut Butter into my athletic shoes. The ad says this is how to take control of my life. I paid $211.99 for these shoes...
Use it for mulch in your strawberry patch. Invading birds will get stuck.
Use it to break up the clots that cause heart attacks.
Cover up with a layer of it to keep warm on winter nights.
Sculpt it.
Keep some in your safety deposit box, just in case.
Buy a lot of it; bomb all the peanut-producing countries into oblivion; make a mint.
"Hi... My name is John... and I'm a peanut-butter addict." ... quot;Hi John."
Make LONG lists of things to do with it.
Tie-dye your underwear with it.
Tie-dye your swimwear with it. Go to the beach.
Snort it. Don't sue me.
Have a contest to see who can blow the most bubbles by blowing through a straw into a jar of peanut butter.
Mix it into your meatloaf when the price of beef rises.
Dip chicken nuggets in it.
Use it to keep the lettuce from falling of your sandwich.
Mix it with Nitroglycerin and feed it to small white mice. Release them on a golf course. Watch with binoculars.
Serve it in the cafeteria breaded and deep-fried.
Mix it with paraffin and make PB scented candles.
Dip notebook paper in it to make the off-brand equivalent of Puff's Plus with Lotion.
Use it as fake toe jam and gross people out by licking it.
Keeps contact lenses from falling out.
Shampoo the carpet in your dorm room with it. Expect a $50 fine.
Use it to muffle the sound of the ringer of the phone in the library computer lab.
Quench your thirst on a hot August day.
Use it as a sentient character in your comic book series.
Bury each other up to your armpits in it some sunny summer afternoon.
Take your date out for "Peanut Butter and a Movie."
Take close-up photographs of it. Scan them into your computer. Use sophisticated retouching software to make it look like a face. Print it on a milk carton.
Keep some hidden behind the refrigerator just in case.
Starch your socks with it.
Economical knee pads!
Name your new music group "Happy Peanut Butter."
Tell everyone that Peanut Butter "just has that certain Je ne sais quoi."
Use a little tune from a peanut butter advertisement as the cantis firmis for a piece of music you are composing. Call it the Misa Skippy.
Measure 1 cup of peanut butter into a large (clean) glass jar. Add 1 gallon of water. Seal it and let it soak for 3 weeks in a dark place undisturbed. Pour the water into small vials and sell it as "holy water."
Use it to make a cast of your foot so that you can buy the perfect-fitting shoes without taking your shoes off in the store.
Let your local T-ball league take swings at it.
When taking Greek, use it to help you learn about the genitive article.
Put it on your fingernails before you take a test to remind you not to bite your nails.
Pack it into the back end of your bathtub to form a waterproof pillow for when you take those long relaxing baths.
Use it as a temporary solution if you momentarily run out of Fuzzy Fuzz.
Keep some in your floppy disk case just in case.
Shoe shine.
Take the peanut butter from your hair
shake it loose and let it fall
lying soft against your skin
like the shadows on the wall...
(A Ray Stevens thing)

Use peanut butter to bludgeon Barney to death.
Spread it on Fuzzy Fuzz to make Sticky Fuzz.
Use it as a Ping-Pong ball or as a tennis ball.
Forget about ink blot tests; now we have peanut butter blob tests!
Administer the MBTI to peanut butter to see how it rates on the continua.
Talking to peanut butter for at least 20 minutes three times a week will improve your IQ.
Making friends with peanut butter will improve your health since most people do not like to eat their friends.
When the Tweedle Beetles Battle In the Peanut Butter Bottle using Peanut Butter Paddles While the Peanut Butter Bottle Bobbles in a Bowl on a Poodle Eating Noodles with Peanut Butter Batter, and the Tweedle Beetles Blow Bubbles in the Peanut Butter Bottle during Peanut Butter Battles, it's called a Tweedle Beetle Peanut Butter Bubble Bobble Bottle Poodle Noodle Batter Bowl Battle.
(Apologies to Dr. Seuss.)
When the Tweedle Beetles Battle In the Peanut Butter Bottle using Peanut Butter Paddles on the Poodle eating Noodles who Battles Tweetle Beetles in the Peanut Butter Bottle as it Bobbles in a Bowl on a Batch of Boiling Butter in the Peanut Butter Batter, where Tweedle Beetles Boggle and Blow Bubbles in the Butter where the Battle Bottle Bobbles, and it Boggles Beetles Tweedle that a Peanut Butter Paddle can battle with a Poodle when the Poodle's Eating Noodles in a Bobbing Battle Bottle in a batch of Boiling Butter on the Peanut Butter Batter during Peanut Butter Battles, THIS is what they call a Tweedle Beetle Peanut Butter Bobble Bottle Batter Boiling Bubble Butter Bowl Poodle Noodle Peanut Butter Paddle Battle. (MASSIVE apologies to Dr. Seuss.)
Place a teaspoon of peanut butter on your tongue and see how long it takes to dissolve.
Notice that line 66 of this file column 6 is the beginning of the word "complexion." Use this fact to prove that person X is the antichrist where person X is whoever you want to prove is the antichrist. I recommend Saddam Hussein, Bill Clinton, Santa Claus or Bill Gates.
Use peanut butter to hire the "A-Team."
In the list above number 66 word six is the word "for." Base a cult on the premise that the antichrist will play golf and so no good Christian should.
If you do that, though, make an exception of the golf balls are made from peanut butter.
If you cannot get to the Laundromat and you run out of clean laundry wear peanut butter under your clothing to cover the smell.
Use it to hold the pages of your pad in place in Intro to Drawing when you turn the pad sideways.
Use it in place if eyedrops.
Attach it to your Application for Student Teaching as "evidence" that you are qualified.
Use it to make your drawing of Mortimer Mae more colorful and realistic.
Prosthetic Appendix
Inquiring minds want to know: How do the candidates stand on peanut butter? -- "Peanut Butter to the People!"
"Back in my day we didn't HAVE so much peanut butter. Peanut butter was for Sunday dinner ONLY."
Make peanut butter the .6 so you can have the national average of 2.6 children.
Wear it under sackcloth for extra comfort.
Spread it on Graham crackers & dunk them in chocolate milk.
Cover Barney with Peanut Butter and put him in a room full of ducks.
Feed Peanut Butter to the ducks at Winona Lake.
Use it as glue for your hairpiece.
Special effects makeup!
Hats for the blind.
Coats for the poor.
Computer engineer's diet.
Add jelly and make the pope's favorite snack.
Burn as your favorite incense.
Use as healing salve.
Recess peanut butter pasties (pasties are a Michigan thing -- a one-dish meal almost like stew wrapped up in a bread-like shell.)
Put it on the teacher's chair.
Put peanut butter in someone's drink as a practical joke.
Make peanut butter "buckeye" candies with Tear Jerkers in the middle. Serve at a party.
Coat the toilet seat with peanut butter.
Place a large glob of it on top of Jello. Now... jiggle it -- just a little bit...
Use it to soothe wounds incurred while participating in Full Contact Fly Fishing.
Use it to convince Naomi to stay out of the Marines.
If you want to force someone to stick around place peanut butter between the heels of his shoes to prevent him from going home. (c.f. Wizard of Oz)
Juggle it.
Coat your shoes with it to keep them from getting wet on a rainy day.
Use it as a unifying device by getting several people to all concentrate on one task -- thinking of uses for peanut butter.
Use it instead of a money clip.
Stuff it in the nostrils of all those bullies that used to pick on you in jr. high. Yeah, you remember them....
Pretend you're a blind man and sell it on the street corner to make a living.
Use it to wax your surf board.
Use it instead of grip tape on your skateboard.
Put a little on the network cables on library lab computers so they won't come loose and bring the whole system crashing down... again.
To fill the spare time in your day eat spoonfuls of it while trying to come up with a list of 1000 things to do with the stuff...
"We've secretly replaced Tom's usual coffee with peanut butter..."
Peanut butter: the next best thing to your vacuum cleaner!
Alternative punishment: don't spank your child; secure him to the ceiling with peanut butter.
When the world runs out of toilet paper turn peanut butter into a pulp and process it...
Make a list of 10 REALLY FUNNY things to do with it and send it to Letterman.
Tired of letter bombs? Try peanut butter bombs!
New mutant ability: plug one nostril and shoot stream of PB out the other one.
Little known fact: when Spidey runs out of web fluid he uses peanut butter in his web shooters.
It's also how he REALLY sticks to walls.
If you lose a button from your shirt replace it with peanut butter.
If you run out of the stuffing for sausages fill those intestines with peanut butter instead. Peanut Butter is so much tastier than blood anyhow.
Use a Peanut Butter/Anti Peanut Butter reaction (also known as a PB/SPAM reaction) to power your warp core.
You put your PB in, you put your PB out; you put your PB in and you shake it all about...
Anyone for Peanut Butter Hotcakes? Call McDonald's immediately; this is an even better idea than lettuce sauce!
http://www.peanut_butter.com/
ftp://ftp.peanut_butter.edu/mirrors/bin/pb/
Use it to seed clouds in February so as to create extra snow days.
Put little bits of it in your cassette player to create neat distortions of sound when you play your music.
Use it to lubricate your mouse's tracking ball to eliminate pesky "jumping."
Look for references to peanut butter on LOCIS.
The yahoo index really needs another major category. Right beside "education" and entertainment, now there is "peanut butter"!
Place a glop of peanut butter in Barney's pocket. Have him arrested for carrying a concealed weapon.
Coat Barney with peanut butter and lock him in a room full of rabid Chihuahuas.
Thicken peanut butter enough to make a suit of armor.
Peanut butter -- the pottery you can eat!
Out of dilithium? Use peanut butter!
The latest in sound recording technology: digital audio peanut butter.
Spread it on rancid pizza to revive its tastiness.
Devise a code whereby you can send messages to your friends using peanut butter.
Draw a large dart board on your wall with different point areas. Coat a small furry animal with peanut butter and toss him from across the room. Each person gets three tosses per turn. Last person to 500 points gets to give the dog a bath.
If you have milk in the refrigerator that goes out of date soon, use peanut butter to make yourself thirsty so that you can drink it all.
Fill your industrial music band's banjo with it to alter the sound.
Use it as a shield to protect you from the BILYS Quad or the Banjo Quad.
Give away free jars of peanut butter to get people to leave the Earth and go to Chia Earth (apologies to the Brain.)
"Momma always said life is like a jar of peanut butter..."
Spread it on the blades of a venetian blind. Insects will stick to the blind when they go to the window. Also, when the blind is closed, the peanut butter will improve its light-blocking abilities; when the blind is open, the peanut butter will cause the light to bend slightly, enhancing the spectrum.
Repack your bicycle bearings with peanut butter instead of grease.
Replace your mud mask.
Two words: Mustache wax!
Use it as a contraceptive.
Waterproof your boots with it.
Use it as a bathing suit in a Miss America pageant.
Use PB to replace the filament on your three-way light bulb.
Use it to clog your tear ducts.
Makes great Windows Wallpaper.
Cross-post messages about it to alt.fan.limbaugh and alt.feminism to see if you can Spam Usenet.
Clean your CD-ROM drive.
Use it to pay your ISP bill.
Rdev your linux kernel image to use peanut butter as the root filesystem.
Coat an entire acre with it from edge to edge. Have NASA do studies to see if it's visible from space. Enlarge the coated area until it is visible from space.
Erect a national monument to the world's largest peanut butter sandwich.
Write a piece of interactive fiction all about adventures with peanut butter.
Make peanut butter preserves.
Roll finger-sized pieces of it in sand and leave them in your neighbor's sandbox to stimulate his anger toward neighborhood cats.
Run your Virtual Peanut Butter program in a DOS emulator running on an Apple // emulator written in Inform and running in WinFrotz on a Windows 3 emulator running on a Macintosh. Have Virtual Peanut Butter sticky-races with your friend who is running his VPB on a TADS interpreter for the Macintosh, running on a Mac emulator written in Visual Basic running out of Windows 95 running through Wine out of Linux on a 386 emulator running on an Acorn Archimedes.
Makes great main dish for dinner the day after Thanksgiving.
Devote one entire bookshelf to it in your personal library.
Use it when you run out of silk screen ink.
Waterproof your hairdo.
Mix with antifreeze to prevent boil-overs in hot, stop-and-go traffic.
Replace the sand in your Ant Colony.
Staple it.
Staple it to the Jell-O you just nailed to the wall.
Prevent blisters when sliding down ropes by coating your hands with it ahead of time.
Social faux pas: show up to a dinner party wearing the same peanut butter as the hostess.
Get little packets of peanut butter and crackers. Throw away the peanut butter and crackers. Collect the little red plastic spreaders.
Use it as mortar when making graham cracker houses.
Run a few hundred barrels of it through an oil refinery to see if you can get peanut butter gasoline.
Deep fat fry it.
Do taste tests between it and Coke, New Coke, and Classic Coke.
Do taste tests between it and Vaseline.
"Peanut Butter Stress-Coat with Aloe Vera replaces the natural protective slime coat your tropical fish needs in time of stress..."
Goldfish anti-depressant.
Underarm anti-perspirant.
Fill the mosh pit. 'Nuff said.
Peanut Butter Cam, live, on the web! (Just $14.95 per month after validating your age... the Supreme Court has determined that a valid credit card is sufficient proof of age...)
Peanut Butter popsicles.
Peanut butter enemas... no, wait, what would be the point?
Peanut butter, peanut butter, give me your answer do....
Marinade your steaks in it before grilling.
"So, you still won't talk, eh? Frankie, hand me that jar of peanut butter."
If nothing is more American than football, and nothing is more American than peanut butter, what do you get when you play football with a peanut butter jar?
E = PB squared
The secret to Don King's hairdo!
Coat the wings of airliners with it to prevent ice formation.
"And once we reach a cruising altitude of 21,000 feet, our stewardesses will be coming around with your complimentary jar of peanut butter and a drink of your choice..."
Create a slo-mo landslide with it as a special effect in a movie.
Vastly improves the flavor of caviar.
Put some down someone's back who's not paying attention -- not quite as much immediate shock as an ice cube, but not as easy to get rid of, either...
Sit on a street corner, sticking your hand in and out of an industrial-sized can of peanut butter, quietly saying things to yourself, such as, "I just couldn't stand being there anymore. They had no right to keep me there. No reason. I didn't want to be there. I don't care what the doctor says. I don't like it there..."
Coat someone's cigarettes with it to help him stop smoking.
Sometimes I think all my friends were made out of peanut butter...
Annoy your co-workers at McDonald's by talking about peanut butter non-stop for an entire shift!
New kind of sandwich: instead of putting peanut butter between bread, be innovative and put bread between peanut butter!
Place a small amount of peanut butter on a slide. Place a cover slip over top of it. Place the slide in the microscope tray's clips.
"I'm a peanut butter dandy / A peanut butter do-or-die /
A real live nephew of my uncle Gif / born on the fourth of July..."
"Peanut Butter Helper helps your Peanut Butter Helper makes a great meal!"
Pastor Potter peddles peanut butter better; peddling peanut butter better than Pastor Potter poses bitter problems; Pastor Potter is the better peanut butter peddler. (Repeat, faster each time.)
Coat your motherboard and hard drive with it. Dance around the roaring fire singing "Jingle Bell Rock".
Do-it-yourself Dr. Seuss hat.
Use it as a marinade when immolating your Beanie Baby collection.
Use it as a lint trap in your drier.
Cover up those pesky gravy stains on your tie.
The shocking truth revealed: William Tell actually shot a peanut butter sandwich out of his son's hand!
Cheat at poker by sticking your cards together with it.
"I'll see your Reese's, and I'll raise you a Skippy."
Coat the bottom of your grill with it, to keep the heat in.
Lubricate wood screws with it, so that they'll go in easier.
Use it in your sound system to get those, rich, warm, tones from your guitar.
Got up one mornin'
Felt around for my shoes
Found my peanut butter empty
Oh, now I got the blues...
(C'mon, play it, Skippy... Spread it thick now)

I got them peanut butter blues...

Perform the above under the stage name "P.B. King." Keep a jar of peanut butter on-stage. Talk to it. Name it Lucielle.
Keep a jar of it in your guitar case to keep the wood from cracking in those dry, steam-heated Indiana winters.
Use it for better heat transfer between your CPU and the heat sink.
If you can't afford gel running shoes, inject it into the heel to provide more cushioning.
Smear it on your goggles before diving to keep them from fogging up.
Use it to prank the newlyweds on their wedding night. (Sorry, John and Christina...)
Coat globs of it in shoe polish to hide the fact that you've been snitching from grandma's box of Whitman's chocolates.
Put some on your hands so you can change the light bulb while it's still hot.
Add peanut butter to your lab partner's centrifuge experiments. Add wildly different amounts to each tube. Help her plot and interpret the data.
Use in place of quicksand for national security.
Grease your slide rule.
100% reusable earwax replacement.
Use it to plug up leaks around the storm windows.
Eat it to stay cool on those Chicago nights when you're afraid to open the window because of gunfire.
Add some to your hot chocolate. Yummy.
Post "missing pet" posters for it around your neighborhood. Offer a reward.
"And this report is brought to you live, vie our satellite, PB1..."
Coat your racing shell with it to lower your hull-to-water friction.
Figure out how tall the Empire State Building is by dropping jars of peanut butter from the observation deck.
"And as the jelly glaciers receded, the mighty Colorado carved the rivers of the Grand canyon out of the living peanut butter..."
Burn peanut butter candles to mask the smell of flatulence.
Coat satellites with it to collect samples of space dust.
[singing] Oh, I'm just wild about peanut butter \ and peanut butter's wild about me ...
Toss small bits of it into a spider's web and watch how the spider deals with her newest "catch".
Pour it over Cheerios instead of milk. Makes a thicker, richer, more balanced breakfast.
When filling out a job application, when you get to the part about "skills you have which would help you to be a valuable employee", put down "expert on peanut butter".
Restate all the laws of physics in terms of peanut butter.
When your dog needs (and doesn't want) a bath, use peanut butter to entice him into the bathtub.
New massage therapy: cover your back with peanut butter and let your dog lick it off.
Use it to stop the clock during a particularly difficult test.
Leave some out for the raccoons. Poison the water they wash it in.
Pass it out with religious tracts.
Eat great gobs of it while listening to martial music. Watch The Clockwork Orange.
Use it to keep your father-in-law busy so that he doesn't remodel your entire house during his visit. (Note: This requires a lot of peanut butter. But so far I've kept him out of the bathroom... --Andy)
Instead of POGs, collect and play with peanut butter jar lids.
Eating peanut butter at ground zero... what a way to go!
Coat the inside of your dryer with it to cut down on the missing socks.
Form it into tiny, dimpled peanuts.
When serving snails, put peanut butter in the shells instead of the usual goop.
Coat your hands with it when breaking into a house, so that you won't leave fingerprints. Use jelly at the next house.
Plant flowers in it. See if they grow.
Dangle a little bit inside your hamster's exercise wheel, for extra incentive.
Instead of M&M therapy, use Peanut Butter therapy.
Dust the bookshelves with it.
Store your jewelry in it. No thief would think to look there.
Secretly add vitamins to it so your kids will get their proper nutrition.
Bookends.
Use it as an emergency tank when your fishbowl develops a leak.
Send a message in a bottle... or a jar, at any rate.
Have a peanut butter jar cemented into your wall instead of a safe.
Marry it.
Divorce it. Use the jelly as grounds.
Duct-tape it to a lightning rod. Wait for a storm.
Nail it to a cross. Discuss how Jesus would have done it.
W.W.J.D.?
Rub it on Buddha's belly.
Makes matzo balls much better.
Clean the dust off your screen with it.
Use it in place of cans in your tree-house telephone system. Use the lid as a mute button.
Plug it into your amplifier. Set the volume to 10.
Stick electrodes into it. See if it glows like pickles do.
Refill your uncle's smelly Cuban cigars with a healthier alternative.
Use it to keep the leather on your briefcase supple.
Store your marbles in it.
Mix with soy sauce to make a really good peanut chicken.
Never board up the windows when peanut butter will do so nicely...
Use it in your explanation of the Missing Day.
Stick some in a globe so that your favorite continent will always be on top.
The big jars make dandy lunch buckets.
Use it as frosting on a wedding cake.
Fill halfway with warm water. Add dry ice. Cap tightly. Don't even think of doing this with a glass jar.
Add it to your water softener.
Add it to your gas tank to prevent water condensation.
Leave a little dab at the bottom of a jar for the cat to find. Videotape the results.
"Get more peanut butter! The dam's about to burst!"
Decorate it with spray-painted macaroni shells and give it to your mother.
Peanut butter, peanut butter
Oh, Peanut, Peanut butter... pop!
Da dum dum dum...
Feed it to your Chia pet.
Collect old cigarette butts in a peanut butter jar. Add water. Whenever you get the urge to smoke, open the jar and take a deep breath.
Use it to grease the watermelon when playing underwater football.
Fill the bathtub with it. Add brightly colored power tools.
Glue two jars to the bottom of each shoe. Tap dance.
Add some to your bass drum to dampen the sound.
Make a set of drums from the jars so that your little brother will stop using yours.
Fill scoop varying amounts of peanut butter out of a number of jars. Set atop a hill in a windy place to make an Aeolian Harp.
Use it as emergency rations in your bomb shelter.
Make a Jentesal Smoothie: mix it with soft-serve ice cream.
Throw at the fluorescent lights to stop that annoying flicker.
At McDonald's, ask for a peanut butter sandwich. To go.
Give it to your date along with the customary roses and chocolates.
Use it as a sleep mask.
"Would you like some peanut butter for those Fried Chicken Crispy Strips, sir?"
Instant boogers.
Spread it on your clothes as desert camouflage. (Note: If you're in a forest, forget it. People will think you're a deer.)
Use it as a playing piece in Monopoly.
Use it as currency in Monopoly.
Try using it as currency in real life. (Make sure you have your "get out of jail free" card first, though.)
Put a jar of it on Free Parking.
Oil squeaky hinges.
Create a sunshade on your Panama hat.
Waterproof your Panama hat.
Use it to seal your romantic love letters instead of sealing wax.
Edible underwear.
Stick your glow-in-the-dark stars to the ceiling.
Create nebulae for those same stars.
Give that gossipy neighbor something else to do with her mouth.
Smear it on a square. Call it art.
Moldable earplugs.
Pack breakables in it for transport.
Make a kid's beanbag game with the open jars.
Take a few young adults and sit them down for a long lecture about "Safe Peanut Butter"
Chinese Peanut Butter torture.
SPF 300 tanning lotion.
Use it as an alternate power source.
Add it to your car battery if you don't have any distilled water.
Brush your teeth with it. Go see the dentist.
Paint your room.
Mix it with luminous paint so that you can find it in the dark.
Smear some on the windows as a "privacy covering."
"Peanut butter, the plant you don't need to grow!"
Use it to highlight verses in your Bible. (Taste of the word, and see that it is good, eh?)
Use it to block out sections of Charles Dickens that you don't want to read again for the test.
Peanut Butter Beanie Babies.
Use as baby food. Keep a video camera handy.
Instead of a pencil jar, stick your pencils into a large glob of peanut butter.
Peanut Butter-- It's everywhere you want to be!
Coat asparagus with it. Walk down the street, ringing a bell, and selling it to kids on hot summer days.
Bait mousetraps.
Lube the VCR. Children will do this for free.
Spatter it with a toothbrush to create fake freckles.
Chew it instead of bubble gum.
Dip light bulbs in it to create "mood lights"
Rub it over your signature so no one can erase it.
Strap several jars of it to your body to add resistance while you work out.
Wax your car with it.
Leave it on someone's doorstep, ring the doorbell, and run!
Add a 3-way touch switch so that you can have "Three levels of peanut butter to suit any situation."
Move huge stones by rolling them on peanut butter jars. A slave whip and headdress will make you more believable.
Rub it on bee stings to see if it helps.
Keep yourself awake during those late night cram sessions by eating peanut butter and coffee ground sandwiches. (I went to school with a guy that did this. He's now at MIT.)
Lobby with Crayola to make "peanut butter" a standard color.
Make a constellation for peanut butter. Navigate by it.
Toss it around before concerts.
Part crowds with it.
Peanut butter slinging is so much classier than mud slinging.
Drop a jar of it on Nagasaki.
Mail a jar to the White House. See if you get a card thanking you for the thoughtful gift.
Give your father a cup of hot peanut butter first thing in the morning. See how much he drinks before he figures out it's not coffee.
Try to sell it at stoplights.
Cars always stop for a hitch hiker with peanut butter...
Show your peanut butter sandwich as your ID when going to the Y.
Write vaguely obscene rap songs about what peanut butter does to you.
Convince Dennis Rodman to get a peanut butter tattoo.
Get your peanut butter pierced.
Make gigantic airbrushed murals of galactic peanut butter jars on the sides of buildings.
Put it in an aerosol can and sell it with crackers. You can sell anything this way.
Construct an experiment to determine the flash point of peanut butter.
Wash with it.
See if it takes out those awful rust stains in the shower.
Use it whenever you misplace the hair trap in the bathtub drain.
Peanut butter down the drain is always a job for Liquid Plumber!
Whenever your spouse brings home peanut butter, hide it. See how many months it takes for them to catch on.
Eat it instead of mowing the lawn.
Patch holes in vinyl with it.
Add peanut butter to the paint mixer at your local hardware store.
Throw it at the screen when you go to the movies.
Heat it in the microwave and use it as a hot water bottle.
Cover someone's dorm room with it. Then you can TP it.
When telephone salesmen ask you for your credit card number, give them the UPC code for peanut butter.
Do a breath-check at children's parties to see if they've been eating peanut butter.
Have a peanut butter eating contest.
"Oh, man, the peanut butter is gonna hit the fan now...."
Extrude it. Make peanut butter pasta.
Use it as fertilizer in your garden.
Put it in the sound hole of your guitar to make it quieter.
Spread it on peanut brittle.
Use it to keep your pictures from hanging crooked.
Divert small rivers with it.
Erect a monument to George Washington Carver. Sculpt it out of peanut butter.
Keep it in your mess kit to improve the flavor of MRE's.
Send a few jars to a missionary.
Soak your feet in it after a long, hard day.
Peanut butter shots. (Anything is better than the green stuff...)
Put some on a handrail so that you can slide down it more easily.
Tip gas station attendants with it.
Leave messages on the bathroom mirror with it.
Yes, Virginia, there is a peanut butter.
He left his cares on the doorstep, and went walking down the sunny side of the street, a jar of peanut butter in his hands.
Use it as a centerpiece for your living room table.
Use it as a conversation starter at dinner.
Go to Africa. Give some to a native to eat. Videotape what he says with a mouthful of peanut butter. Add creative subtitles.
"By the power of Peanut Butter... I have the power!"
Suck on a glob of it to help your ears adjust when flying.
Send secret messages to your friends written on the inside of the labels.
Use it to cure tropical diseases.
Sculpt your hair and give yourself sideburns. Pretend you're Elvis.
Pad your rump with peanut butter when you're learning to ice skate so that it will hurt less when you fall.
Dial-a-Peanut Butter.
Dance with it. Make your partner look good.
Preserve used tea bags with it.
Use it instead of swear words. ("You son of a peanut butter sandwich!")
When going through an airport metal detector, make sure to have several jars of peanut butter on your person.
Insist that your passport be stamped with peanut butter.
Ask about the exchange rate for peanut butter.
Hold the phone to your ear with it.
Tell your life story in terms of peanut butter.
Plug leaks in your transmission with it.
Add peanut butter to your gas. See if you can make smoke trails.
Roll a ball of it across the lawn to collect grass clippings.
Clothe your snowman.
Brains for the Scarecrow.
Rate airlines by the peanut butter they serve.
Put it on mosquito bites to reduce the swelling.
Wear peanut butter. Complain that you don't fit in.
Tell your roommate that you're homesick for peanut butter.
Use globs of peanut butter instead of pins on your map.
Create a comic strip devoted to peanut butter.
Leave globs of it while exploring so you can find your way home again. (Note: This doesn't work too well at sea.)
State your height and weight in peanut butter jars.
Tell someone they're worth their weight in peanut butter.
Convince your Spanish-speaking maid that you want her to put peanut butter on the baby when she changes the diaper.
Decorate the Christmas tree with it.
Create a manger for your nativity scene.
Ask new acquaintances if they've met your jar of peanut butter.
Use it instead of Bondo when repairing dents in your car.
Instead of envelopes, use peanut butter jars. Complain that it won't fit through the mail slot.
Correct people's pronunciation of "peanut butter." Use a French accent.
Use your knowledge of Greek to find evidence of peanut butter in the Bible.
Search the Hebrew to see if Manna was actually peanut butter sandwiches.
Write pithy proverbs about peanut butter.
Disguise a VW bug by coating it with peanut butter. Extra points if you make a convincing semi.
A friendly peanut butter jar to the top of the head is more effective than words any day.
Use it to defend yourself on the way to the outhouse.
Use it instead of a shoehorn for tight shoes.
Buy a sports team. Name it after your favorite kind of Peanut Butter.
Fill soccer balls with it for added speed and distance.
Make it the main character in a kid's show.
Hold a jar of peanut butter over your heart when saluting the flag.
Try to create polka-dotted peanut butter.
Use it to keep leaves out of the gutter.
Use it to sustain yourself through those long sermons.
Put peanut butter in the offering plate.
Mix it with gravel and pave your driveway.
Dump several hundred tons of it in a field. Go mountain biking.
Haggle with the checkout clerk over the price of peanut butter.
Mark your Rolodex with it so you can find people easily.
Be modest about everything. Except peanut butter.
Use it to extend your "dry season" wardrobe into the "wet season."
Grease the sides of the car with it to get out of a tight parking space.
Ask for it at Taco Bell with your burrito.
Use it to clean gas station bathrooms.
Sell tiny packets of it in vending machines.
Mark your speedometer with it so you can see at a glance if you're over the limit.
Use it to try to get on military bases. Extra points for Area 51.
Be afraid of it. Be very afraid of it.
Make a thermometer with it.
Tack some to a supermarket bulletin board.
Use it to "touch up" tan lines.
Have some swaying on the dashboard of your car.
Use some as floor mats.
Keep the sun out of your eyes by smearing some on the windshield.
Show road-raged drivers your peanut butter.
Use it to keep the soles of your shoes from flapping until you can afford a new pair.
Use it to express your opinion of your brother's hand-me-downs.
Dip candy canes in it before putting them on the tree.
Use it to hide the fact that you have braces.
Build a replica of Mount Rushmore. Make it bigger.
Rub it between your toes to prevent athlete's foot.
When someone asks you, "What's your sign?" say, "Peanut butter."
Climb to the top of a volcano. Throw in peanut butter to appease the gods.
Use it to keep the peas from rolling off your knife.
Do textual criticism of peanut butter ads.
Stare at your roommate while eating handfuls of peanut butter and giggling uncontrollably.
Play "Bigger and Better" starting with a jar of peanut butter.
Fill a jar with beans. Use it as a maraca.
Tell the border guards you have a jar of peanut butter.
Declare it when going through customs.
Take it with you to the cafeteria. Use it liberally.
Amazing flat tire sealant.
At a wedding, throw peanut butter. Etiquette demands that you remove it from the jar first, though. Bummer.
Eat it with chopsticks.
Freeze it and put it in your drinks to keep them cold.
Call Domino's. Ask for a peanut butter and pepperoni, pronto.
Use it to stick up the felt characters in Children's Church.
The Country's Best Frozen Peanut Butter.
Conjugate it in Spanish class... Yo peanutbuttero, tu peanutbutteras, el peanutbuttera, nosotros peanutbutteramos, ustedes peanutbutteran, ellos peanutbutteran....
Use it to decline your nouns when taking Latin.
Wrap it up fancy and give it to your mailman at Christmas time.
Rub it on your cheeks to make it harder for old ladies to pinch your cheeks and tell you how big you're getting.
If you ever become Czar, make peanut butter a letter of the alphabet.
Use UNIX to re-map your keyboard to PEANUT instead of QWERTY.
Fill in New York City potholes.
Leave it in the sun, just for fun.
Every first aid kit should include peanut butter.
"Fill 'er up, and check the peanut butter."
Fill in the San Andreas Fault to prevent earthquakes.
Use it when asking for a bathroom break.
Camp out in aisle seven. Offer critiques and reviews of peanut butter brands to passing customers.
Shave your head and pass it out at airports.
Coat a dozen marshmallows with it and stuff them in your mouth. Recite the Gettysburg Address.
Smear a bit on the wall each day if you don't have a calendar.
When the travel agent asks you where you want to go, look earnest and say, "Anywhere there's peanut butter."
Cover up the holes in your sandals so you can wear them year-round.
Put it on pancakes.
Mix your pills into it so that they'll go down easier.
See if it cures leprosy.
Habanero peanut butter.
Ask the registrar if you can CLEP out of any classes because you know so much about peanut butter.
Use it to bulk up so you can become a sumo wrestler.
Put it on mashed potatoes instead of gravy.
When asked to fill in the 50 states, put peanut butter brands in for the ones you don't know.
Send away for your very own "Peanut Butters of the World" collection.
Make your own. Shell the peanuts first.
Make your own, but don't shell the peanuts. Market it as "super crunchy" or perhaps "extra fiber."
Find out what hydrogenated soybean oil really is.
Give your students spelling words from the ingredients list on a peanut butter jar. Tell them to use it in a sentence.
Get a stop-motion camera and animate it. "The Blob" is a suitable plot for beginners.
Write your Ph.D. thesis on the thermodynamics of peanut butter.
Form a group. Call yourselves The Wheeitologists. Discuss peanut butter at length. (Wait, that's been done...)
Coat the bottom of your car with it so that the road salt won't cause corrosion.
Buy stock in peanut butter companies.
grease yourself with it so that you can slip through narrow openings and escape from prison. (It HAS been done.)
Put it in a vacuum chamber. take bets on whether it will leak or explode.
Paint it on the posts and lintel of your door. Hastily eat peanut butter sandwiches with bitter herbs while nervously watching your firstborn son.
Smother smoke detectors with it so that you can burn things in peace and quiet.
Gild the pages of your favorite books with it.
"Open an account with us, get a free jar of peanut butter!"
Put a photograph of yourself and a few poems into a clean jar and bury it as a time capsule.
Smoke it in the boy's room.
Use it in a slingshot. Aim for people's backsides.
Add dark chocolate to it. Market it as "Ebony Creme."
Make peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Pretend you're Elvis.
At an interview, offer your prospective employer a peanut butter sandwich.
Re-grout the bathtub.
Hold it hostage.
Sew it.
Use it to make a roadway on your popsicle stick bridge.
Use it to create landscapes for your HO scale model trains.
Volunteer to be "Peanut Butter Man" at your local mall.
If asked to play Santa, convince all the kids that they want peanut butter instead.
Use it as fillings instead of going to the dentist.
Wax bowling lanes with it for "better spin."
Use it to clean out the coffeemaker at work.
Write a conspiracy theory about evil henchmen trying to adulterate the world's peanut butter supply.
Play beach volleyball in it if you don't have a beach nearby.
Fill Ziploc bags with it to make great contour pillows.
Wind chimes.
Drop globs of it onto the stove to see if it's hot yet.
Look it up in the phone book.
Heat treat it. See if it's more durable.
Put a glop of it on your side table. Use it as an ashtray.
Refinish the side table with it after you quit smoking.
Download it off the web.
Trade it on IRC f-serves.
See if it will get you banned from America Online.
Make mustaches and beards on paintings and photographs. (If it's worth more than 1.2 million, though, make sure it's a painting under glass.)
Use it to stick Frisbees together for better distance.
"Fetch, Rusty, fetch!"
Coat your torpedoes with it so that enemy subs will think you're just dumping your garbage.
Bubble Gum Alley has been done already. Start Peanut Butter Alley.
Fill your attic with it for insulation and dust control.
Makes a nice wrist pad...
Use it in your presidential campaign to give yourself a more wholesome image.
Run it through a tree shredder...
...a manure spreader...
...how about a needle threader?
Use it as a pin cushion. Strawberry optional.
Store your tools in it so they won't rust.
Pad your bra with it. (Note: Don't try this if you're a guy.)
Comb it through your hair to cover up the fact that the roots are growing in black again and you don't have time to re-bleach it.
Immerse your phone in peanut butter so you can't hear it ringing.
Fax it.
Photocopy it.
File it under "Miscellaneous."
Shred it.
Send it to the medical lab as a stool sample.
Stuff a toilet paper tube with it and use it as a silencer for your water pistol.
Wallow in it. Hey, it works for pigs...
Use it liberally as a "modesty covering&quo; when reading Playboy so you can read the articles without distraction.
Throw it at your students when they fall asleep in class.
Use jingles from peanut butter ads as the music when you put someone on hold.
Feed it to a filibustering congressman.
In SimCity 2000, typing "peanutbutter" will raise your approval rating by 50% and get rid of all pollution.
"In actual driving tests, Peanut Butter 2000 outperformed Slick 50 and all leading motor oils in preventing engine wear..."
Burn it at the stake.
Put it in tiny jars and market it as peanut butter for Barbie.
Put some under that one short leg to keep the kitchen table level.
Secretly fill your opponent's water bottles with peanut butter so that he'll drop from dehydration before he beats you.
"Mud pies never tasted so good before! What's your secret ingredient?"
Replace the freon in your air conditioner with something more friendly to the environment.
Use it as a code word for that geeky guy that keeps trying to ask you out.
Coat your locker with it so it's easy to find between classes.
Use it to keep the dust jacket on the book.
Put on your Doc Martens. Put some peanut butter out for the roaches. Be sadistic.
Customize your Harley with it.
Bury nuclear wastes in it. Skip the country.
Use it to preserve venison.
Take the voice chip out of a Talking Barbie and put it in a jar of peanut butter at the supermarket. Be sure to have a hidden camera.
Coat your hunting arrows with it for truer, faster flight.
Throw it overboard to keep from sinking.
If you sink anyway, use it to keep you afloat.
Floss with it.
Claim you found some peanut butter in your can of Coke. Sue vehemently.
Claim Microsoft's monopoly is stifling competition in the peanut butter market. Start vehement class-action suit.
Create bean-based imitation peanut butter. Call it Beanut Putter.
Wad up into tiny ovals. Collect empty peanut shells from floor of local Lonestar. Insert wads of peanut butter into shells. Sell as recycled peanuts.
Sneak out at night and fill up holes of local golf course.
Freeze it. Give to the kids on hot summer afternoons.
Inject into bloodstream in small doses. Build up immunity, just in case.
Drown all the world's telemarketers and bulk emailers in it.
At your wedding, exchange peanut butter instead of rings.
Ride an elevator all day, repeating "A La Peanut Butter Sandwiches..." incessantly at the top of your lungs and making huge, flamboyant gestures with your arms. Refuse to acknowledge the existence of anyone else on the elevator.
Use it to sink toy ships in the bathtub.
Spread it on your homework so your dog really will eat it.
Waterproof all your books with it for convenient bathtub reading.
Spread it on your floppy disks for "virus protection."
Send it bungee jumping.
Insist that your jar of peanut butter has to accompany you on the roller coaster even though it's too short because it's your "seeing eye" peanut butter. See how long it takes you to get thrown out of the park.
At Cedar Point, sell peanut butter sandwiches on the midway. See if they kick you out of the park for unauthorized soliciting. If not, try to make a living at it.
If a conversation is getting too long or boring, just start talking about peanut butter.
Say "peanut butter"at the end of every sentence, regardless of context, for an entire day. Peanut butter. See whether you can get other people doing it, too. Peanut butter.
Wear just a little peanut butter in your nostrils during sporting events to block out the BO.
Start a Usenet group just about peanut butter.
Dip craisins in it.
Use it to make physical adjustments to your keyboard's typematic rate.
See how many acronyms you can make for "peanut butter."
Write bizarre song lyrics about it:
Peanut Butter has the upper hand...
The pig's tortoise loses again...
Butter and Peanut blended...
Frapped like a bucket of bolts...
Under the edge... Under the edge...
Sequestered in reaganium mines...
Under the edge... Under the edge...
Peanut Butter rocks the house.
Claim that these lyrics have deep significance.

Start a philosophy based on the epistemological assumption that peanut butter exists, and that anything which can be shown to be fundamentally similar to peanut butter then must exist; whereas anything fundamentally unlike peanut butter must not exist.
When telemarketers call, give your name as "Peanut Butter." Insist that this is your actual birth name.
Try to get a platinum card in the name of "Peanut Butter". Insist that "Peanut Butter" has an unblemished credit record.
If you get the card, go out and charge 100,000 jars of peanut butter to it.
Invent a new sport based on peanut butter. Be sure the rules are complicated and that violence is involved. Start professional teams in several major cities.
Give peanut butter to your friend (and his new spouse) as a wedding present.
Put it in a blender with beets, spinach, and rice. Convince someone it's a new kind of shake. See if he likes it.
It makes a great adhesive to repair that 24x cupholder on your computer.
Have the surgeon coat the inside of your urethra with PB to make passing kidney stones less painful.
Oh, Susanna,
Oh, don't you cry for me
For I come from Alabama with
Peanut Butter on my knee ...
Compose "Prelude & Fugue in PB Minor".

The wise man built his house on the rock
The wise man built his house on the rock
The wise man built his house on the rock
And the rains came tumbling down.
The foolish man built his house on peanut butter ...

Friends, Romans, countrymen... Lend me your peanut butter!
Use peanut butter to create the appropriate textured designs on your forehead so you can pass for a Cardassian.
Stub your toe on it.
Make peanut butter Jello. Nail it to a wall.
Peanut butter au gratin.
Take a couple of jars with you to a fast food restaurant. Take them into the bathroom with you. Make designs on the walls. Spend hours doing this. In fact, keep doing it until an employee comes to clean the bathroom.
New diet: Nothing to eat but peanut butter, and you have to sip it through a coffee stir. Meals are limited to 30 minutes each, and no more than three meals a day.
Sharpen knives with it.
Feed only the best peanut butter to your cattle, to improve the flavor of the beef.
"Would you like a Pop Rock Peanut Butter Sandwich to go with your carbonated milk, sir?"
Place a small glob of it on the windshield of a jet. Do experiments to determine how long the plane must fly at various speeds to cause the peanut butter to either spread out over the entire windshield or be worn off by the wind.
Use it to enhance the popularity of your web site!
Complain to Microsoft that Windows '98 won't recognize all your peripherals. Tell them that Linux has "no problem" with your SCSI PB, but Windows '98 won't recognise it. Tell them PB is a very cutting-edge peripheral.
And so they sat around, playing cards and drinking soda pop on a sunny afternoon, when Nathan piped up and said, "Say! How about peanut butter flavored bubble gum?" Andy quietly looked up from his cards and suggested, "I think a good shrimp curr would be a better flavor." There was silence in the warm air, as everyone else looked on in horror, pondering these new developments and wondering what was to be.
PB Fiber Optic Co.
Mix with Borg technology; watch it assimilate everything.
Instead of "Put a sock in it!", "Put some Peanut Butter in it!"
Repairs scratched CD-ROMs.
Lose the wristband off your watch? Stick it to your wrist with PB!
Keep contacts firmly in place.
For those cold, lonely nights, snuggle up to a jar of PB.
Use it to get stains off that little blue cocktail dress.
Cigar lubricant.
Mix with Altoids...
Comb it in for that "Big Hair" look.
When you land that new job at Revlon, suggest peanut butter as a new ingredient instead of rendered animal fat.
Comb it into your cat's fur to help control the fleas.
Balance a 10 lb. jar on top of a door, to knock out unexpected visitors.
Smear it on the inside of your door jambs, as a weather seal.
Summer camp practical joke: smear it inside everyone's clean underwear. This is most effective if done the first day of a three week camp.
PB Breast implants.
Inject it under the skin instead of cortizone to remove wrinkles.
Coat your ironing board with it to remove wrinkles.
Silence the annoying hum of your aquarium air pump.
Biodegradable shaving cream, with a clean, peanutty aroma!
Squeaky wheel gets the peanut butter.
Add weight to your Pinewood Derby car.
Pump-in attic insulation.
Prevents foam rot on your favorite pair of speakers.
Jack and Jill Went up the Hill to get a Jar of Peanut Butter...
Mix it with henna to make a more durable body paint.
Coat the inside of your wheelwells to keep winter road salt form corroding your car.
If you can't afford Ziebart, pump your car doors full of peanut butter, instead.
Hulk Hogan vs the Peanut Butter Man, no holds barred!
Add more curve to your curve ball with a light coat of peanut butter to one side of the ball.
Cruel and unusual punishment: Peanut buttered and feathered.
Use it to get pine sap off of your circular saw.
Use the lids for cookie cutters.
If your wife is into stencilling, let her do the border around the ceiling in peanut butter... it's much easier to get off later, and you don't have to repaint the room if she makes a mistake.
Put a glop of it in your bread machine so that you don't have to put it on your bread later.
Sealcoat your driveway.
Secretly replace a carpenter's wood glue with peanut butter. Commission a piece.
If asked for fecal matter, send peanut butter instead.
Mix it with dry cement, and leave it out for the rats.
Turn off the drinking fountains. Serve 1,000 kids peanut butter sandwiches. Chug down the last drop of milk in front of them. Practice your maniacal laughter.
Visual PB++, the ultimate cross-platform programming language!
Cover your iMac with it after the translucent blue loses it's novelty value.
Smear it on tablets. Practice your cuneiforms.
Smear it on tablets. Write commandments 11-20.
Bury a cheap travel alarm in a jar of peanut butter. Send it to the principal.
Fill your locker with peanut butter. Get the custodian to open it for you.
Pump a friend's room full of liquefied peanut butter. Be sure to have a video camera ready for when he discovers it.
Legally change your name to Peanut Butter. Call the electric company and try to get service in your name.
Sell peanut butter door-to-door.
When you run out of cleaning fluid, use peanut butter on your tape head cleaner.
Use it instead of an air bag when performing death-defying stunts.
Two words: Food fight.
Make chess pieces out of it. Garrote anyone who tells you not to play with your food.
Fill your shock absorbers with it for a more stable ride.
Fill your bike tires with it for puncture protection.
"Well, the peanut butter level is falling, so it looks like it's going to storm..."
Attach a jar to the lightning rod on your house. Take bets on the probable results.
During a meteor shower, find a field full of stargazers and start catapulting peanut butter onto them from afar.
Shape a horn out of it and mount it on your dog's forehead so you have a House Unicorn.
Shape wings out of it and wear them so you can fly -- but don't fly too close to the sun or it'll melt them.
When tight-fitting clothes come back into style, and everybody's wearing pants so tight it looks as if they were painted on, you *can* paint yours on, if they're made of peanut butter!
Give some to Calvin and Hobbes and see what they do with it... ("Those child psychology books we bought were such a waste of money." -- Calvin's Mom)
Simple Simon went to catch a Wheeitologist,
He thought it'd work real nice,
Because he had a little PB,
To put into his eyes.
Make _New and Improved_ noises with your armpits -- use chunky.
Be the next Reinhold Neibuhr:
Man must be measured within the tension of two worlds. Since man is a part of nature as a physical creature and part of Peanut as a free spirit, he cannot consider himself explained accurately until these two double environments are first recognised and related. Man is too high to be identified with this world and too low to be identified with Peanut. His total environment, therefore, includes both Butter and Peanut. If not for this tension the dialectic would be fractured.

Be the next Soren Kirkegaard:
Peanut Butter is subjective. Peanut Butter lies not in _what_ you believe, but in _how you live_. Peanut Butter is passionate commitment. But if PB is not objective, then there are no external principles or criteria that are objectively valid...

Become a proponent of Peanut Butter suffrage.
Run away down the Missippi River with your best friend Skippy so they don't catch him and keep him a slave. Along the way stop at every town and con the residents out of as much money as possible.
Put surplus military processor chips into the peanut butter so it will do what it does in the commercials. Call the leader Chip Jiffy.
Write the publishers of your dictionary and complain adamantly that they don't include nearly enough references to peanut butter. Threaten to sue for discrimination of food.
Hey, Waiter! My Pop Rock Peanut Butter Sandwich doesn't have enough lettuce!
"If I ordered a Peanut Butter sandwich with no Crunchy, that wouldn't be a problem."
"But would we get to hear you sing?"

"What's a Peanut Butter goon?"
"It's like Peanut Butter, but a grotesque, evil, demented monster."

"Oh, is *that* what all those ugly things you made on your plate are?"

(Apologies to Bill Watterson)

Put together a Field Guide to Rare Forms of North American Peanut Butter.
Hang it on the Christmas tree as an ornament..
Spread it on the Christmas tree skirt to catch the needles that fall.
Better, spread it on your Christmas tree to keep the needles from drying out in the first place.
Put a jar of it in the package with your Dad's Christmas tie to disguise the weight.
Use it to muffle the sleigh bells.
Pack your dad's face in it just in case he falls off a ladder, to cushion the blow.
Place it under the feet of extensions ladders to keep them from slipping.
Use half-full jars as cheap bowling-pin substitutes.
Care to guess what the bowling ball is made of?
Create a Peanut Butter texture for Persistence of Vision; render a bumpy surface of it under an area light.
Stuff expectant mothers' mouths with it to take their minds off the pain of labor and muffle their screams at the same time.
Walk along at the tail end of a parade tossing Peanut Butter to the watching youngsters.
Get ANSI to write up a Peanut Butter Standards Document.
Have a "Peanut Butter Web Site" contest
Join the official Peanut Butter Web Ring.
Peanut Butter Ate My ....
Give peanut butter to a needy family for Christmas.
Give peanut butter up for lent.
Hide peanut butter at Easter time and have the children find it.
Drop it on Iraq to get Saddam to surrender.
Bury nuclear waste in it.
Commemorative Impeachment Jars hand signed by Kenneth Starr.
Keep it in your purse to fend off would-be assailants.
Mix it with anthrax; mail it to abortion clinics.
Mix with Russian caviar; claim it's a new summit in US/USSR peace accords.
Use it as ballast for your hot air balloon.
Use it as ballast for your hot air politician.
We all know that Diet Coke floats and regular Coke sinks. (Or is it the other way around?) Devise a similar experiment with creamy and chunky.
Mix with applesauce in the blender so that grandpa can enjoy peanut butter on apples, too.
Spread it on the sidewalk. Pay neighbor kids to shovel it.
Make kitty-litter cake with it.
Parents ponder purchasing peanut butter perchance poverty, petty purloining, pestilence and puerile procreation partake the populace.
Put up peanut butter at Christmas instead of lights.
Put a thick layer on pipes and outdoor spigots to keep them from freezing.
Gas line anti-freeze.
Sand it.
Rout it.
Hammer it.
Cut it with your bandsaw.
Solder it.
Paint the house with it.
Have a Peanut Butter Yule Log.
Frost cakes with it.
Use it instead of chalk when performing on the uneven parallel bars.
Mix it with vodka to create PB shots.
Mix chunky with peach schnapps and orange juice to create a Fuzzy Navel Outie; If you have an innie, fill in your navel with peanut butter, call it a Fuzzy Adam or a Fuzzy Eve.
Codpiece.
Pad your bra with it. (Especially effective if you're a guy.)
Put some on your face when skiing to prevent windburn.
PB Bookmarks. (NIMBY)
Send it to a starving NBA player.
The official food of the NHL. (No teeth, no problem!)
Forget gingerbread houses at holiday time. Build PB mansions!
The secret ingredient in Mom's Killer Fruitcake.
Paint horses' tongues with it if they get sick.
Peanut Butter definitely needs its own Saturday morning cartoon.
Peanut Butter: The Movie. Coming soon to theatres near you.
Have your college Econ class read books about "Successfully Managing Your Peanut Butter".
Visit the Peanut Butter Traders page and put up descriptions of the PB you have to trade with other collectors.
There aren't nearly enough PB Beanie Babies. It's not enough to have the Gif the Peanut Butter. Now you also need Skippy the Creamy Peanut Butter and Nut the Crunchy Peanut Butter and Herman the Old Fashioned Peanut Butter. Jenny the Grape Jelly wouldn't hurt, too.
"Somebody sure must think we're special."
"Why's that?"

"Because we've got Premium Peanut Butter."

"Oh, yeah."

"Somebody sure must think we're special."

"It's our mommy."

If you're in a choir and forget the words, just lipsync "peanutbutter" continuously and nobody will know the difference.
There's a fortune to be made in thematic PB Mah Jong tiles.
Bored with ice hockey and field hockey? Try Peanut Butter Hockey!
"Mommy, mommy! I can't breathe through my nose!"
"Shut up or I'll stuff your mouth with peanut butter, too."

At your flea circus, have an act where a flea eats a flea-sized peanut butter sandwich with nothing to drink.
At a real circus, sell jars of peanut butter for outrageous prices so people can feed the elephants. Train the elephants to sneak up behind people and steal the jars and bring them back to the booth to be resold.
I've heard that a good way to stay awake late at night if you have to study is to eat peanut butter and coffee grounds sandwiches. (Um, I can confirm that... --Andy)
Have we mentioned Peanut Butter sauerkraut?
Strap jars of PB to strategic parts of your body, under your clothes, to make certain parts of your anatomy look larger. Be creative. Extra points if you actually convince anyone you were born with six limbs.
Instantly turn your regular glasses into sunglasses with just a quick dab of peanut butter on each lens.
Pad brick walls with it so you can kick them with less pain.
Put a full jar of peanut butter in the microwave; set it for the maximum amount of time at maximum power. Leave the house.
Hide some spare peanut butter under the floorboards in your attic just in case of emergency. Tell your grandchildren there's secret treasure hidden somewhere on your property.
There are now six vowels: a, e, i, o, u, and peanut butter.
Your peanut butter or mine?
Experiment with a tank of oxygen and a blender to see if you can get breathable peanut butter.
Who ya gonna call? PEANUT BUTTER!
Do a write-in vote for Skippy, with his running mate, Jiffy.
Fried Green Tomatoes with Peanut Butter on the side.
Give an extra-thick PB sandwich to Arnold Schwarznegger. See if his vocal quality changes.
Spray it over your fields, under the theory that it will suffocate any pests.
Export it to Europe. Lord knows I could have used some while I was over there.
Hollow out a book and keep a supply of peanut butter in it.
Memorize peanut butter labels. Go about quoting "The Gospel according to Skippy."
Market Captain Hook peanut butter. Insist that it be placed next to the Peter Pan brand on the shelves.
Market Crocodile peanut butter. Enclose a ticking clock. Insist that it be placed next to the Captain Hook brand on the shelves.
Put alternate layers of PB and butterscotch pudding in a jar. Market it as "Tiger Spread."
Johnny: Hey, what do you get if you cross an elephant and a peanut butter sandwich?
Tommy: I don't know. What?

Johnny: You get an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Hold retainers in place.
Let your kitten play with it...
Leave it out and grow mold cultures for science class.
Take some PB along while you work on rewriting your term paper.
In Anglo-Saxon times, Peanut Butter was considered a magical, mysterious substance that either witches used, or mighty warriors ate before they slew dragons...
(PB + X) - (y + X)
Solve for Peanut Butter.
Do we have Mr. Peanut Butter Head yet?
Power Rangers got you down? Try Power Peanut Butter Rangers!
Bubble, bubble, Peanut Butter and trouble... From the little known first draft of MacBeth.
Cult of the Peanut Butter...
Newest health food: Peanut Margarine...
Cover your enemy in Peanut Butter, chunks of bread, and a slathering of jelly. Turn him loose to a pack of wild second graders...
Famous plays:
Peanut Butter and the Man
Desire under the Peanut Butter
MacPeanut Butter
Much Ado about Peanut Butter

Be a good parent: Name your kids after brands of Peanut Butter. Works especially well with off brands.
"Okay, everybody know what to do?"
"Yes, sir."
"Alright. Synchronize your peanut butter."

Take out your frustrations on peanut butter. It feels nothing, so you can hit it and hit it and...
Give me freedom or give me peanut butter!
Maniacal laughter is so much more effective with a little peanut butter stuck to the vocal cords.
Smear on sibling's homework.
Write a witty, humorous, mostly absurd and rediculous History of Peanut Butter. Market it as a text book.
We already know that matter is a structured form of energy. Some have hypothesized that maybe time is a structured form of space. What they don't know is that both are really just a structured form of peanut butter...
Instead of advertising milk, the United Dairy Farmers should advertise peanut butter, and then demand for milk would increase automatically!
Hey, how come Kraft doesn't make "Peanut Butter and Macaroni"?
"There's a hole in the peanut butter jar, dear Liza, dear Liza, there's a hole in the peanut butter jar, dear Liza, a hole."
"Then fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, ..."

Drown your kid brother's Furbie in peanut butter when it gets too annoying.
Mix peanut butter with mutagen ooze and feed it to any small animal you can find.
42 is a silly answer. I think Peanut Butter is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. I'm still not sure about the question...
"Pardon me, sir, but do you have any Grey Peanut Butter?"
"But of course."

Nobody will guess that your computer password is really "Pnut-B8er".
Put a lump of peanut butter on your tongue. Smile all day. People will know you're crazy.
Forget about the lump of peanut butter and just smile all day. This is especially effective in New York City.
Always sign your name as "Peanut Butter". If anybody questions you, say "No, that doesn't say peanut butter. You're not reading it right. See, there's the [First letter of your name here]..."
Toasted toes taste terriffic with peanut butter.
Be original. Use Beanut Putter instead.
The catapult is obsolete. The steam engine has been outdone. Atari 2600 is no longer current. But peanut butter will always be new.
"It's just a flesh wound."
"A flesh wound? Your peanut butter's off!"
Snake bait
Write a novel about peanut butter.
From the makers of Peanut Butter Story, it's "A Jelly's Life".
Mighty Peanut Butter Young.
Invent a new internet protocal for transfer of peanut butter: pbtp://pb.peanut-butter.org/
Instead of mopping, coat the kitchen floor in peanut butter and dogsit for 12 young puppies.
Make a wreath out of peanut butter and hang it on the bathroom door every December.
Auction peanut butter on Ebay.
Double Jeopardy category: "Peanut" Butter.
It's great when you have dental problems and get put on a liquid diet.
New twist on old yin-yang philosophy: In all Peanut Butter there is Jelly, and in all Jelly there is Peanut Butter.
Fill Teddy bears with it and sneak them onto store shelves as a practical joke. Call them "PB Cuddlers".
"Use the Peanut Butter, Luke"
Use it as a sermon illustration
Travel to a small nation with a lot of civil unrest; try to sell truckloads of peanut butter to the various powers striving to be recognised as the official government. Tell them, "The world will recognise that any government which sponsors international peanut butter is legitimate."
Advertise it as a new cure for AIDS. See how many people get a false sense of security from this.
When the year 2000 hits, the economy will come to a screeching halt. The only people who will survive will be those who thought ahead to keep a ten-year supply of peanut butter hidden in their basement. It won't do to run out in December of 1999 and buy a lot of peanut butter, either, because by then a lot of people will realise the dire situation, and there will be an international shortage as people suddenly rush to fill their larders.
Go to Florida right before a hurricane. Stand outside the supermarkets and loudly proclaim, "After last year's hurricane, the thing that really saved our family was peanut butter." Apologies to Dave Barry.
Send Dave Barry a case of peanut butter and see if he gives you an "alert reader" certificate.
Go to university; double major in underwater basket weaving and peanut butter administration.
PBUX: The newest brand of Unix.
Instead of spending all day at the mall, do all your Christmas shopping with peanut butter.
Dress yourself in Bermuda shorts, a lumberjack shirt, a striped tie, black socks, and Birckenstocks. Carry a jar of peanut butter under your right arm, hold the lid in your teeth, and keep your left hand inside the jar. Always walk backwards when you cross the street. Smile a lot, but ignore everyone. Stay within a six-block radius all day.
Sit in a tree and drop peanut butter onto anyone who tries to pass on the sidewalk below.
Make a web page all about peanut butter sandwiches and try to join an all-erotic-site web ring. If they ask how it relates, just tell them they really don't want to know.
"A, La, Peanut Butter Sandwiches!"
New alternative band: Peanut Butter Angst
New Peanut Butter flavor: Peanut Butter Angst
Ben and Jerry's goes PB....
Roll it, pat it, and mark it with "B" and put it in the oven for baby and me!
Instead of using those annoying steelie marbles, just squish peanut butter in your hands.
Its huggable! Its cuddleable! Its Peanut Butter Bear! (not for children under age of 2)
PB thinned with acetone, use it in your supersoaker... ouch!
"Fire department! My house is burning down!"
"We'll have the PB truck there immediately!"
Kitty stuck in a tree? No? Wish it was? heh-heh-heh!
Help your feathered friends: Secure their nest to the tree limbs with a good slathering of PB.
Stick a motherboard, hard drive, etc. into a giant PB glob. Taunt Microsoft about taking the world from them with your new creation...
PB95 Operating System... much more stable than Bill's...
Wartime: Out of hand grenades? Throw PB instead!
Put it in your pipe and smoke it!
"I did not share a jar of peanut butter with that woman..."
Every mutant in Marvel Comics got that way because a parent ate some bad peanut butter.
When the money is tight, our young hero Peter Parker substitutes peanut butter into his webbing formula...
The villians of Star Trek: Insurrection try to conquer a planet where there is a mystical fountain of peanut butter.
Mr Rogers: Boys and girls, are you ready to take a trip to the Neighborhood of Peanut Butter?
"It's a peanut buttery day in the neighborhood..."
As Mr Rogers sings the song, he eats a peanut butter sandwich.
"Rrts ma ppprut mmttera may m ma meiderhmmm..."
Look, boys and girls, it's everyone's favorite purple jar of peanut butter, Jiffy!
Boys and girls: Yea!
Jiffy: Oh golly gee! It's a PB-rific day for imagination!
Immerse Dave's keyboard in a vat of PB so he doesn't get carried away...
New in HTML5: <PB> The Peanut Butter Tag! </PB>
Use whipped peanut butter in place of mirangue.
Peanut butter can help you have lucid dreams. Every time you see peanut butter, do a reality check, no matter what; stop and make sure you know whether you're dreaming or not. Soon you will begin to do this in your dreams; you will then realize you are dreaming!
Add peanut butter as a new betting convention in Bridge.
Take it on road trips to tour the nation.
Take it on plane trips to tour the world.
Distill it.
Combine it with parrafin, liquid oxygen, and kerosene to see if you can make a really good rocket fuel.
Decongest this!
"I've got a jar of Peanut Butter! Don't make me open this!"
Use it as quilt batting.
Fill a cloth bag with it and use it as a pin cushion.
Sewing machine oil.
Use it to mask off areas you don't want to spray paint.
Smear it on fluorescent bulbs to eliminate the greenish tint.
Sculpt horns for those cow skulls you picked up in the desert.
Spray some on "When you just don't have time for a shower."
Use it to stick lettuce to the bottom of the tank when you're feeding your aquatic snail.
Rub it on your wrists if you have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
Put it in baggies and make wrist pads for your keyboard and mouse.
Sculpt some on your mouse to make it look more like a mouse.
Sculpt some on your mouse to make it look more like a moose.
Add some to Jell-O and see if you can make mousse.
Fill your pillow with it so it will conform to your head...
A glass of warm peanut butter just before bed will always help you sleep better.
Sculpt a huge peanut out of it. See if you can stick an elephant's mouth shut.
Amend the constitution to include the Right to Bear Peanut Butter.
I don't know about life, liberty, and happiness... but peanut butter sounds like a much more reasonable thing to have as an inalienable right.
Spread it all over the carpet, so you can record a burglar's footprints.
Spread it on the windowsill and cover it with suet to bring the winter birds closer.
Practice your beheading skills on a jar of peanut butter.
Pack it around your ears if you can't find your earmuffs.
Did I mention earplugs?
Eye salve.
If your culture calls for you to wear a gourd, use peanut butter to keep rough edges from chafing your skin.
It's yummy on pancakes...
Barbecue it.
Throw Barney into the peanut grinder at the factory and get Barney Butter.
Spread it on bacon for a snack.
Blow bubbles in it.
Perform the world's first peanut butter transfusion.
Pack it between the spokes of your bicycle. Show up at a bike race and maintain that it is a UCI-legal disk wheel.
Fill in the gaps behind your helmet with it to make you more aerodynamic.
Spread it on your legs to keep them warm on those chilly fall rides.
Commandeer the town's ice rink during the summer. Fill it up with peanut butter. Rent bowling shoes by the hour to would-be skaters.
Takes the "funny smell" out of bowling shoes.
Freeze it into a cup shape. Serve milk.
Find Mt. Carmel. See if you can call down peanut butter from Heaven.
"If you wish to send a jar of peanut butter to this address, press 1. If you wish to order a jar of peanut butter for yourself, press 2. If you wish to bury northern Indiana in a three-foot blanket of peanut butter, press 3."
*beeeep!*
"Thank you. To process this order, please press the pound sign."
*beeeep!*
Send it to Peter Schickele and see if P.D.Q. Bach wrote any pieces about peanut butter.
Salad dressing.
Rub it on your nose to keep your glasses from sticking to your nose.
Smear it on your face when making a mold for a mask.
Heck, smear it on your face and let it dry. Decorate with jelly and raisins.
Ants on a log.
Make ants on a log... with prunes! (Them's big ants, mama... Eat up, son.)
Earthquake-proof your house by sealing all your valuables to the wall with peanut butter.
Create a "peanut butter web." See if you can catch spiders.
W.W.J.D.W.A.J.O.P.B? (What would Jesus do with a jar of peanut butter?)
Take five loaves and four jars. Feed the 5,000.
See if you can walk on it.
Sell it in vending machines with little packs of disturbingly orange crackers.
"This is WPBB 101.5 comin' at you with the latest in Peanut Butter Blues. Up next, we have Creamy, with their new album..."
Percolate it. Coffee has been dominant for too long, we need a new product...
Mmm-Bop: The only Hanson song that can be sung with a mouthful of peanut butter.
Rub it into the grooves of your old vinyl LPs to counteract needle wear.
Tame your split ends...
Mix head, peanut butter and an eggbeater for an instant perm.
See if you can replace the rosin on your violin bow with dried peanut butter.
Bombard it with ultrasonic waves. See if you can get it to do the cha-cha.
Pad yourself with it when slam dancing.
Throw it from the stage at your heavy metal band's live concerts.
Bite off a glob of peanut butter as part of your stage show. Spit jelly.
Coat your skis with it before putting them away for the winter.
Practice card tricks with it. Peanut butter never tells everyone when your sleight-of-hand isn't very sleight.
A PB filled whoopee cushion would be such a gas!
Leave it on people's chairs. Especially effective at a nudist colony.
Sell it at a nudist colony as SPF 50 sunscreen.
Go to the peanut butter companies and try to sell the footage you filmed of the last two items, for use in their TV advertisements.
Mix it in with your mashed potatoes to make them creamier.
Coat slices of turkey with it after Thanksgiving so that you can slip it into your kids' lunches without them noticing.
At the auto parts store, secretly scoop the grease out of a dozen cans. Replace with peanut butter. If possible, track down the buyers and see how it runs on their cars.
There are some things that duct tape just won't seal. For everything else, there's peanut butter.
There are some things in life that you just can't buy. For everything else, there's peanut butter.
Throw it through the window at a grocery store, so that you can rob the place without the police getting your fingerprints off this jar of peanut butter that they don't realize came from outside the store.
Use old peanut butter jars to create a conveyor belt from the refrigerator to your bed. Snacking was never so easy!
When you say, "I'll be back in a Jiffy!" at least try to come back in a peanut butter jar.
For your evil deeds, grasshopper, your karma is to come back as peanut butter.
"Oh, man, I'm in deeeeep peanut butter now..."
Sacrifice some to the deity of your choice. Very effective class-stopper.
Mix antibiotics in it so that your dog will eat it and get better.
Use it to hold the pages of your book open while you ride your exercise bike.
Tie a few jars around your ankles for more resistance when you run. (Gee, like I need more resistance to running?)
Include scratch-and-sniff samples of it in fashion magazines.
Car ceiling sagging? Stick it back up with PB!
Spread it on cork trees after harvesting the bark to protect them.
Spread it on sheep to protect them from the weather after you've shorn them.
Did I mention aftershave?
Fill up your Mexican sombrero with it, and run about the room, trying to catch tortilla chips that your friends throw at you.
Fill in the vent holes on your bike helmet in winter so that your head will stay warmer.
Fill a football stadium full of peanut butter, all the way up to the last rows in the nosebleed section.
Once you've done that, conduct scientific studies to see if the peanut butter is affected by the earth's tides.
If it does, form a PB surfing team.
Make holograms of it, and project them into unusual places.
Every time you finish a jar of peanut butter, glue the jar to the ceiling. Continue until you've lowered the entire ceiling at least twelve inches. Claim it makes the room seem cozier.
Drop some in the sump in the basement to see how much peanut butter it can bail.
Waterproof your boat with it.
When your junior Picasso draws on the walls, use peanut butter to take it off. (This leaves a grease stain.)
Cover the rest of your walls with it, to match the grease stain.
If you work in an operating room, sculpt "extra" organs out of PB. Slip them in when no one's looking.
Use it like smelling salts to revive the head surgeon when he faints in panic over the "kidney" that just disintegrated in his hand.
When sewing leather, lubricate the needle with it to make it go through easier.
When no one's looking, cheat on your diet by taking small globs of peanut butter and rolling them in chocolate chips. (Sinful, but yummy.)
Investigate; see what happens when it hits the fan.
Glop some on your computer's CPU to keep it cool.
Lubricate your hard drive with it to get better access times.
Use peanut butter to predict the weather. (Hey, it works. I just found out we're having rain tommorrow around lunch time.)
Cover up motion sensors so that you can move about freely without all those pesky lights turning on.
Build a peanut butter fort. Throw peanut butter balls at unsuspecting passerby, or challenge your little brother to a peanut butter battle.
Use it to keep Galaxoid and Nebular warm when they complain about the faulty axis of the planet you sold them for 50 leaves.
Next time you're custom-designing a planet, make the core out of peanut butter instead of boring old iron and nickel.
Launch it straight up, then stand with your head tilted back and mouth open.
How come Pizza Hut doesn't have pizza with peanut butter rolled up in the crust?
Wish on it if it's an overcast night and there aren't any stars visible.
Sit cross-legged in an obscure corner of a major international airport, hands limp on the ground, sticking your tongue --way-- into an almost-empty peanut butter jar trying to lick it out. Growl if anybody comes close. Bite anyone who tries to take the jar away.
If you have an injured family member who's too sick to take a bath, coat him in peanut butter and turn the dog loose.
Smear peanut butter on your chest in the shape of a cross for "holy protection" whenever you leave the house. Never let anyone know about it, even your spouse.
Decorate devil's food cake with flowers and swirls and writing made out of peanut butter. It can't be too much less healthy than frosting.
Out of ice cream? You can still make a root beer float with peanut butter!
Put one cup of peanut butter in your mouth. Whistle. Go on Letterman with this "Stupid Human Trick".
Captain Damn Peanut Butter Puffs
Feed it to the Coolyfish.
Coat your hands with it. Make handprints in strategic places.
Maybe it would help kitty with his hairball...
Make a mask out of it so no one will recognize you when you're dancing naked.
Turn a boring old game of badminton into a crazed, psychotic peanut butter war.
Next on the Jerry Springer show: "My husband has been eating my best friend's peanut butter!"
Fill your bass drum with it instead of foam.
At your next kegger, put a glop in everyone's cup. See if anyone notices.
Test your endurance on the peanut butter bong...
Smoke it.
Wrap leaves up in it when you run out of papers...
PB, TP, what's the difference?
Roll a huge ball of it across your lawn to pick up the leaves instead of raking.
Sell PB at BP stations.
Put it in a centrifuge. See if it separates.
Put it in a mass spectrometer. Plot various brands across the periodic table.
Test the rolling resistance of various trpes of peanut butter jars.
Test and publish the viscosites of various peanut butter brands. Try and correlate it with the spread of Communism.
Create a comic strip based on peanut butter.
Form a PB lobbying group.
Grease the rails at your local train station. See how far the train slides past it's stop.
Spread it on your homework. Claim the dog was going to eat it.
Ask your insurance agent if your house is insured against peanut butter.
Spread it on the wall and stick things to it if you're not allowed to have a bulletin board.
Put sonar transponders in PB jars and throw them into the sea to track ocean currents.
Let dolphins play with it.
Raise the Titanic: sink hundreds of jars of peanut butter into the sea. Eat out the peanut butter, creating a vacuum. Since a vacuum is lighter than water, you can attach the PB jars to the hulk, and raise it to the surface!
Slap a jar of PB instead of taking it out on your spouse.
Write poetry about it.
Build a dam around your mashed potatoes with it so that the gravy doesn't get out.
Use it on your model train layout to simulate mudslides and washed-out arroyos.
Use it to make your muffler louder.
Smear it on curbs and handrails to make skateboard grinds and slides easier.
If you have a cat o' nine tails, rub it into the leather to keep it supple.
Proudly display your Scofield J.I.F. brown letter edition reference Bible as evidence of your spiritual authority.
Should you encounter a person who does the last item, baptize him in peanut butter.
Clog your veins.
Clog your arteries
Eat it nonstop until your gastro-intestinal tract is packed with it from stem to stern.
If your neural pathways loose their natural fatty coating, replace it with peanut butter!
Who need contact lenses?
Coat your lawn with it. Mow the lawn, singing the theme music from "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids", interspersed with maniacal laughter.
Enlarge a jar of peanut butter to 100 times its usual size. Rent it out to thrill-seekers.
Shrink yourself to a quarter inch high. Spend a few hours in a regular-size jar of peanut butter, digging tunnels and having fun with your quarter-inch friends.
Blow up a balloon. Coat the outside with peanut butter. Put it in a sealed room with a vacuum pump and see if you can make it explode. Videotape it.
Videotape "A day in the life of a jar of peanut butter" (2 and a half hours). See if you can convince anyone that it's an artistic movie. Tell them it pushes our boundaries and makes us think about things from a different perspective. Insist that it's really a tragic movie, because in the end the peanut butter is left to the same fate that we knew all along was inevitable. Say you cried when you filmed the final scene.
Make T-shirts and hats and kids' meal toys and tv adds about the above movie. Hype it as much as possible. See if you can make it turn a profit. If it works, announce that your next movie will be "My Mother, the Car, the Movie".
Put a glop of it in an unused room without much light, preferably warm. Rig up a camera to take a photo every 24 hours. Change the film whenever it runs out. When nothing is left of the peanut butter, scan in the photos and make an MPEG of it. Offer it on the internet for download.
Make an animated GIF of the above and put it on your web page to slow down load time.
Wash dishes in peanut butter and jelly instead of water and detergent. Dry them off with bread.
Take an extra-large jar on picnics with you. Use the jar as a stool to sit on.
Write love poems to it. Leave them laying around for your spouse to see. When confronted, claim you've never seen them before in your life.
Take some regular peanut butter and stir in a fair amount of extra salt. Arrange with a local supermarket to hand out free samples of a "new brand" of peanut butter on a particular day. When the day arrives, take the PB with you, a bunch of little wooden sample "spoons" to serve it on, and a few cases of dinky milk cartons. Hand out the peanut butter, and sell the milk. If anyone confronts you about selling the milk, claim you're sure you cleared it in advance. Say the store manager "Eustace" told you over the phone that it would be okay. Insist you really spoke on the phone to someone named Eustace who said he was the store's manager. Take several minutes to be convinced that he wasn't genuine, and then insist you "knew all along" that his voice was "shifty" and he couldn't be trusted. Start swearing and get angry. Threaten to pull your new line of peanut butter from the store. Watch their reaction. If you can catch it all on hidden video cam, so much the better.
Convince Kraft to make peanut butter flavored Kool-Aid.
Convince Wylers or Flavor-Aid to combat the above with "jelly" flavor.
When arranging vacation, ask the travel agent about the peanut butter where you're going. If they ask why it matters, say you had a bad experience once that you'd rather not repeat or even talk about.
The height of fashion -- a hat with a peanut butter arrangement on top.
Install a walk-in peanut butter cupboard right next to the walk in refrigerator and walk-in freezer.
Toss your peanut butter instead of tossing your cookies.
I can't believe we haven't already mentioned peanut-butter hard candy!
Make peanut-butter fireballs.
Peanut butter is the best flavor of salt water taffy.
Write a series of short stories with an insane protagonist who really believes he's a jar of peanut butter.
Write a novel in such a way that it's impossible to determine whether the main character is a sincere old Baptist minister, an elementary-school-age girl with the measles, or a sentient jar of peanut butter, but those are the only possibilities. Apply for a creative prose award.
Set up your email filters so that any mail without "peanut butter" in the subject line is automatically deleted. Complain you don't get enough email.
Run it through your scanner and post images of it to "binaries" groups on usenet.
Spread it on apple pie.
Go to halloween parties dressed in nothing but peanut butter and any dishcloths you can get to stick to it, clean or dirty. Make people guess what you're supposed to be. Refuse to tell until they guess. No matter what they guess, say "no, that's not it." When they ask you about it days later, claim you don't remember because you were drunk at the time. Insist you don't want to talk about it.
Do it again the next year.

Anytime you say something stupid and somebody asks, "What are you smoking?", promptly reply, "Peanut butter!"
Give yourself a very large amount of peanut butter enema. Chunky works best, and for extra effect stir some chocolate sauce into it first. Pump as much as you can up your backside and hold it in. Travel to Turkey, and in the airport ask "What, legally, constitutes a bomb that I wouldn't be allowed to bring through here?" Keep asking what you would be allowed to bring through in the way of explosive stuff. See if you can get them to do a stripsearch. If you can, just when they get ready to search your backside, let loose the PB enema with all your might. If you really have nerve, you'll then start eating it.
Stick a jar of peanut butter in your electric clothes dryer. Close the door. Set it for 70 minutes. Listen to the thumping. When it quits, take out the jar, open it, and put it back in. Set it for another 70 minutes.
Use it to give yourself "Spock" ears.
Determine whether your peanut butter is male or female: knee it in the groin. See if it groans.
Run it through the Phalloblaster. (Apologies to Dave Barry.)
Eat it on rice or oatmeal with raisins and cinnamon.
It's nice on a tortilla with a little bit of sugar...
How about in your corn mush
Use as a squirrel repellent. They try to get into things, and get all messy. They usually don't return.
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