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Uses 3201-3300

  1. While riding on a busy subway, pull a jar out of a duffel bag and pronounce your undying love to it very loudly. Then embrace it, kissing it all over, from top to bottom. Now propose marriage.
  2. Get a big loan and use it as collateral.
  3. Grab a camcorder and make the newest Gumby flick. So what if he's brown now?
  4. Open up an upscale health food store in Beverly Hills with a trendy peanut butter milkshake bar in the back.
  5. Put a big glob of it in your underwear before putting it in the hamper and see what kind of reaction you get from your wife/mother/whoever does the laundry in your house.
  6. Bob for apples in it.
  7. Send a jar to Mr. T in exchange for an autographed picture and some of his chains.
  8. Pity the fool who don't eat peanut butter.
  9. Seal all your outgoing envelopes with it.
  10. Mix two jars of creamy and one jar of chunky, re-jar it all, and market it as "mildly chunky." Get ready for huge profits.
  11. Rent a scuba tank from someplace and fill it with peanut butter before returning it.
  12. Coat all your floors with it so no one can hear your footsteps when you get out of bed for a midnight snack.
  13. Send a jar to each person in Tuvalu as a peacemaking gesture, then bomb them.
  14. Have a snowball fight without snow... you don't need to wait for winter, the peanut butterballs don't fly apart after you've thrown them, and you can eat up the mess when you're all done.
  15. Smear it all over your fine china and other valuables as a theft deterrent.
  16. "Are you suggesting peanut butter migrates?"
  17. Test your manual dextrity by flipping jars of it as fast as you can.
  18. Put some on the wingtip of your model airplane so it will balance better.
  19. See if you can acheive similar results with a 747.
  20. Stuff some into the nose of your model rocket so that the center of gravity will be behind the center of pressure, and it will thus fly straighter. (This actually works, by the way.)
  21. Tornadoes slow down significantly when they hit a body of water. Devise a test to see how much they slow down when they enter a region of peanut butter.
  22. Based on those results, form an emergency response team to fly over areas with no lakes and drop tons of peanut butter into passing tornadoes, thus slowing them down and minimizing damage to the populus below.
  23. See if you can acheive similar results with hurricanes...
  24. Fact: if you remove all your teeth, and then live on a peanut butter diet, you will never get any cavities.
  25. Add an analgesic to peanut butter. Give some in sandwich form to dental patients so that it will numb their gums, and they won't feel it when you give them the shot of Novocaine.
  26. Cover your eyes with peanut butter so that you won't have to see the scary-looking tools that your dentist uses.
  27. Send a jar of appreciation to Dr. Beth Schimmele (http://www.dentalhealthpc.com/) because really, she's a fantastic dentist, and it might get you a higher spot on her waiting list.
  28. If said dentist gets enough referrals from me, maybe she'd consider giving me some free dental work. Or maybe not. I'll ask her about peanut butter next time I go in for a checkup.
  29. Offer David Harris some peanut butter as an enticement to get version 4 of Pegasus Mail finished up and released, already.
  30. Offer Richard Stallman some peanut butter if he'll make sure Emacs 21 gets released sometime this quarter.
  31. Offer Alan Greenspan some yummy peanut butter if the economy turns around by the end of the year.
  32. Write to Illiad suggesting that he run a series of User Friendly comic strips about peanut butter. Offer him some peanut butter for doing so.
  33. Threaten to baptise in peanut butter anyone who so much as mentions cheesecake.
  34. Give Graham Nelson some peanut butter to thank him for making version 4 of the Inform Designer's Manual available. Discreetly suggest there's more peanut butter in it for him if such a thing as Inform 7 comes into being.
  35. Offer Bill Gates some peanut butter if the next version of Windows comes with Emacs and Perl out of the box. Offer him a *lot* of peanut butter if the next version of Windows is based on a Unix kernel, like MacOS X. To show that you're serious, give Steve Jobs a nice presentation of peanut butter to thank him for the Darwin kernel. ("For you and your staff, in appreciation.")
  36. Use "peanut butter" as a euphemism for your favourite street drug.
  37. Engage in peanut butter onomatopoeia: "Squishy, gooshy, mushey, creamy! Crackley, crunchey, munchey, chunky!" Have contests to see who can come up with the best onomatopoetic adjectives for extra-crunchy peanut butter.
  38. Offer to pack extra-crunchy peanut butter up the nostrils of the next person who advocates any kind of cheesecake or cheesecake-derived substance. Devise new, creative onomatopoetic adverbs to describe this process in every excruciating detail.
  39. Tired of using catapults to fling creamy peanut butter at the enemy? Develop a sixteen-inch peanut shell so you can fire creamy at the enemy from sixteen-inch guns.
  40. Frustrated with the hassles of reloading your muskets with chunky? Develop peanut butter percussion caps for all- weather firing, and self-contained peanut-butter cartridges, for easy reloading, and make peanut-shell-pattern grooves on the inside of your peanut barrel for improved accuracy. Add salt-tips to the cartridges for improved sting.
  41. Tip jar? Peanut butter jar.
  42. Inject liquified peanut butter into your motorcycle's exhaust so that it will produce tons of smoke, effecively stopping that idiot from tailgating you.
  43. Buy oversized riding clothes, and pump them full of peanut butter. That way, if you take a spill on your motorcycle, the peanut butter can take the brunt of your fall.
  44. Add some peanut butter to your gas before you store your motorcycle for the winter. It'll keep the gas from separating, and prevent any rust from forming in your tank.
  45. Coat any exposed metal on your motorcycle with peanut butter when you store it for the winter, so that the repeated cycles of hot and cold won't form condensation on the metal and invite corrosion.
  46. Sculpt some new bodywork for your motorcycle out of peanut butter. Ride to Sturgis or Daytona during Bike Week. See what people say.
  47. Make Senegalese peanut soup. Mmmm, yummy! (And it's a great vegetarian dish, too!)
  48. Hurl some into space to do research on solar wind.
  49. Put a jar behind your rear to do some research on breaking wind.
  50. See if you can blow bubbles with it.
  51. Hide it.
  52. Find it.
  53. Complain that you don't like to play hide-and-seek with your peanut butter, because it always hides in the last place you saw it.
  54. Use it to grease your bodies when you play sardines, to get more people into the same place. (Not familiar with Sardines? It's a hide-and-seek game where one person hides, and everyone who finds him/her has to hide with them in the same spot. Last person to find everyone is "it." Choose your spot wisely.)
  55. Spread it around your friend's neck. Get a large axe (preferably double sided for good looks), a black mask like executioners used to wear in medieval times. See if the peanut butter will make the axe bounce back.
  56. When babysitting, cover kids hands with peanut butter and give them a feather to keep them occupied.
  57. Use it for stage props in an amateur theatre production.
  58. Use it as "product placement" in an amateur theatre production.
  59. Sit at home and eat it out of a jar with a spoon instead of going to see said amateur theatre production.
  60. Throw some to the seagulls.
  61. Fill a balloon with peanut butter and use it as a stress ball. If you get too stressed, you could use it as a weapon, as well.
  62. Pogosticking becomes so much more of a challenge wien you do it in a foot of peanut butter.
  63. Walk through it on stilts.
  64. Strap a set of stilts, and use peanut butter to sculpt "legs" onto the poles, so you look like you have really long legs.
  65. Basketball would be much more interesting if you coated everythng in peanut butter... the ball the hoop, the floor, and the players. I'd watch that.
  66. Edible, biodegradable graffti!
  67. Redecorate your neighborhood with a water baloon launcher and a large supply of peanut butter.
  68. Convince the president to add it to the list of illegal narcotics. Sit back and watch the fun as homes grocery stores across the nation are raided and their peanut butter confiscated.
  69. Give a jar to George Bush so he can plug up his ears and no longer has to listen to all the scary mad people who care more about the planet than the oil companies.
  70. Mix with frogs in a food processor. Serve as a dip.
  71. Mix with psychedelic toads in a food processor. Serve as a *party* dip.
  72. If you have an older TV (or you've lost your remote) spread a thick layer on the side of the couch, so you can grab a chunk and throw it at the TV to change the channel.
  73. Spread a thick layer on the side of the couch, and throw it at the TV as a commentary on the programming.
  74. Spread a thick layer on the couch as a commentary on the couch itself.
  75. Go about stalking celebrities and gooping them with peanut butter, like the guy who got Bill gates with a cream pie.
  76. Add epoxy. Use as leg wax.
  77. Serve it at McDonald's in tiny little packets to go on your fries and burgers.
  78. During Freshman orientation... get a little on their shoes, and watch with amusement when they stand up and their shoes make a farting noise. Generally they blush. Cheap entertainment.
  79. Ruth, of Ft. Wayne, Indiana, suggests a peanut butter and ginger sandwich.
  80. Add sand and olive oil, knead well, and market as a deep-cleansing, moisturizing mud mask. Let me know when you make a million dollars.
  81. Adventures With Peanut Butter, Part 1

    Sandy sat at the picnic table, staring at her toes in her sandals and wishing she was named after peanut butter. She cradled the peanut butter jar in her arms. Suddenly, a flash of light came out of the peanut butter jar. Sandy gasped. A huge blob of peanut butter appeared before her. He had eyes and a mouth and a nose.
    "Excuse me," the blob said, "My name is Peanut Butter Blob 7,598,543,757,657,654,876,500. Each of us blobs- there are many of us, you see, we're numbered- travel around the world to talk to those who love peanut butter all about us. We'll be having some fun exploring to do too."
    "Uh, uh...."
    "This is hard for you to believe, I guess. My last visit was in a rural area of Yugoslavia. OK, now what is your name?"
    "Sandy."
    "Sandy, you are now a peanut butter explorer. Let's start."

    What will happen next? Stay tuned..... Part 2 will be coming soon....

  82. Use it to clone peanuts to make more peanut butter so that you can use it for so many more things.
  83. Put in the covers of glossy magaznes so that you can stack them higer without worrying about having them sliding across each other and collapsing.
  84. "Censor" the covers of Playboy, Cosmopolitan, and other magazines with some strategic smears of peanut butter.
  85. You've heard of the bubblegum card? Now there's the peanut butter card, with THREE times the card devaluing power!
  86. Blue birds reportedly love crushed peanuts... so why not peanut butter?
  87. Use as pellets for your pellet gun. Or, lacking a pellet gun, your nose.
  88. Coat yourself in PB before entering the mosh pit at the next punk concert you're at. Not only does it make the pit smell better... ahem... but it also will probably get you pulled up on stage by the band.
  89. Take some to France. Order the most expensive thing on the menu at a nice restaurant and insist that it needs peanut butter, see if they kick you out and swear at you in French.
  90. Throw some on other people.. Then make a show of kindly cleaning it off so the girls will think you're sensitive.
  91. Tenderly removing peanut butter from your SO's skin can be quite erotic, actually.
  92. If you're grounded, and can't go fishing, coat a hook with peanut butter and go fishing for gerbils in your brother's room.
  93. Spread it evenly on the blades of the radiator fan on your V8. Sit in your car, with key in the ignition, and wait for squirrels.
  94. Fill your bathroom soap dish with it and write "LAVA" on the top before guests arrive. Leave no towels in the bathroom.
  95. Use as a spread...Dress up that "Mud-Bug" super-duper bass lure,
  96. Supercool it. Add it to the motherboard to keep your computer from overheating.
  97. Make suggestive designs in the jar after watching a Pamela Anderson "movie."
  98. Throw a blob in a fan and run like the dickens! How do dickens run, anyway? --A.
  99. Spread some on one couch cushion, and put jelly on another to make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Couch.
  100. In Nigeria if you trade with the natives, a regular sized jar of peanut butter will get you three women or one cow.
    Rightly so, Tim. After all, women don't have as much meat as a cow.

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© 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002 Andy Kerr and Nathan Eady. All rights reserved. Last updated December 28, 2003

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