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Uses 3001-3100

  1. Colour it blue. Use it as stage makeup for "The Smurfs, the Movie". Extra points if Drew Carey can play a convincing Papa Smurf. Extra, extra points if Drew Carey can also play a convincing Smurfette.
  2. Make a movie called "Peanut Butter Rodeo" starring Clint Eastwood and Drew Carey.
  3. Use it to seal the sides of your pet dog's (or pet moose's) mouth shut so that when it drinks the water doesn't all pour out the sides and get the floor soaking wet.
  4. Image is nothing. Thirst is everything. Drink peanut butter.
  5. Drank peanut butter. Throat became clogged. Lost ability to breathe. Have died. Please advise.
  6. > Drank peanut butter.
    > Throat became clogged.
    > Lost ability to breathe.
    > Have died.
    > Please advise.

    Drink more peanut butter.
  7. It's difficult to even move, nevermind run, when you're in a peanut butter jam.
  8. Anytime someone tries to get you to eat anything besides peanut butter, explain that you cannot. Say you have IPSHSP, or Ideopathic PsychoSomatic HyperSelective Phagosis, sometimes called "Carver Syndrome", and trying to eat anything except peanut butter makes you sick for weeks. Say sadly that the doctors are working on possible treatments, but you'll die of malnutrition before they come up with any real cure. Insist that you're okay with this, that once you learn how to die you'll learn how to live. Ask the person to come visit you every Tuesday with a tape recorder and talk about the meaning of life while you die.
  9. If you need to keep someone really busy for a while, give him a list of three thousand or so uses for peanut butter, and make him sort them into categories. If you can convince him it was his idea in the first place, so much the better. Bonus points if he lets other things slide to complete the project.
  10. Inject peanut butter into your genitalia to make them bigger.
  11. Heat liquified peanut butter to several hundred degrees and spill it in your lap.
  12. Heat peanut butter until it becomes a vapor, then breath it instead of air.
  13. Replace your cerebrospinal fluid with something more interesting.
  14. Replace your blood with something more interesting.
  15. I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue than spend one more minute with peanut butter.
  16. Leave some on the windowsill to see what kind of patterns the rain makes in it.
  17. Use it to fulfill gag orders.
  18. Fake vomit.
  19. Mix with Cheerios for "visual pleasure."
  20. Stick those hanging chads back in place.
  21. Put medicine in it at the old folk's home to make it easier to get down. (They actually do this!)
  22. Add it to the water supply.
  23. Paint de-glosser.
  24. Make your dog go. (Would you explain this one to me, Justin?)
  25. Do a Michael Jackson tribute: Eat it! Just Eat it!
  26. Ablative coating for rocket engines.
  27. Elbow pads.
  28. Create Pueblo PB adobe architecture.
  29. Use it as a candle snuffer.
  30. Braid a noose. Hang Barney.
  31. Yeah? Let's see those Backsteet Boys harmonize with their throats full of peanut butter!
  32. Trap PokÈmon in it.
  33. Cover up that bald spot. Run your comb through it to create the illusion of a full, rich, peanut buttery head of hair.
  34. Seal up the colostomy stoma with it while you're changing the bag.
  35. Make air bubbles in the jar, and then stick your hand in to create a whoopee-cushion-like effect.
  36. Fake pus.
  37. Cultivate your pimple farm.
  38. Lubricating wound filler. (This was suggested to me by an RN. Scary, eh?)
  39. Add plaster of paris for a lovely flesh-colored cast. (Or, well, flesh-colored if you're from, say, Brazil...)
  40. Feed it to the cast of a play.
  41. Spread some on the casting couch in a director's office. Make your choices based upon the comosure of the would-be actors.
  42. Add a bit of weight when casting flies for fishing.
  43. Edible murder weapon. What more could you ask for?
  44. Thread conditioner. No, seriously. People who do quilts are big on thread conditioners....
  45. Ground Pikachu's electric yellow butt.
  46. Burial medium for Beanie Babies.
  47. Ruin PokÈmon cards--also useful for other cards such as Magic: The Gathering, etc.
  48. Bury bombs in it to diffuse the blast... or at least make one heck of a sweet mess.
  49. Set up your e-PB website...
  50. B2B? Business-to-business is so ten minutes ago. PB2B is the wave of the future!
  51. Keep a jar of it as a pet.
  52. My bum, my bum, my bum is on the peanut butter...
  53. PB pasta sauce!
  54. ...and Satan and his angels were cast into the bottomless pit of peanut butter, to be bound for a thousand years.
  55. "My grandfather once said that he had seen cheese about this color," said Pooh, as he ate his way down to the bottom of the jar.
  56. If you visit the Vietnam Wall, take some peanut butter and make a mold of your friend's name to take with you.
  57. Leave some out for Santa...just enough to keep him busy while you rummage through the sack.
  58. No inflatable furniture? No problem...
  59. Re-fill empty jars and sell them on the black market.
  60. Build a 10 story monument honoring Peter Pan.
  61. Sculpt a boy band out of of it...the peanut butter would have just as much talent and would be cheaper to keep happy on tour.
  62. Drain a lake. Fill with peanut butter. Run across peanut butter. Make sure to videotape your achievements.
  63. Rub it all over the cat and put it in a room with the dog.
  64. I forget.... is it red or white wine with peanut butter?
  65. Coat golf balls with it and shoot it out of a potato launcher.
  66. Submerge a modem in it and configure it as PBfreeISP.
  67. Genetically modify it to store secret messages.
  68. Calculate the exact number of nuts per cubic meter for every brand in existence.
  69. Use it instead of confetti at your wedding
  70. "Harry Potter and the Jar of Peanut Butter"
  71. If you loose and arm or leg or any other body part replace it with peanut butter.
  72. If you make first contact with an alien race give it to them as a peace offering, or a "sign of good will."
  73. Use magic to make it tap dance across the table
  74. See if your goldfish can live in peanut butter.
  75. See if you can live in peanut butter.
  76. Write on cars with it. It doesn't peel the paint, like shaving cream.
  77. Lobotomize it.
  78. Tell people you've had a lobotomy, and ask people if they want to see what they took out. They usually are running away before they notice that what's in the jar is actually peanut butter.
  79. Tell people you replaced your brain with peanut butter, and you credit it for doubling your I.Q.
  80. Who wants to be a peanut Butternare?
  81. Win Ben Stine's Peanut Butter!
  82. Wheel...of... PEANUTS!!!
  83. Use it as cab fare. Ask for change.
  84. New rubber additive at Firestone Tire Co.
  85. Nichol Hicks sends the follwing tasty recipe:

    Ingredients:

    Flour Tortillas (will require flat or deep fryer)
    Hot Fudge Ice Cream topping
    Box Crispie Rice Cereal
    Peanut Butter (smooth or crunchy)

    Pack Crispy Rice cereal over a layer of peanut butter (apprx. 1/4 inch thick on tortilla) and drench with the UNHEATED hot fudge topping. Fold up like a wrap - or burrito, seal edges with water and deep fry. Better tumbling in fryer helps ingredients to melt and blend. Once slightly golden, remove from fryer and sprinkle with powered sugar. The result is a pastry which can easily transform into SMORE-WRAPS if Mini-Marshmallows and Golden Grahams are substituted for Peanut Butter and Crispy Rice.

  86. Use it in place of bromochlorodifluoromethane (halon) in your fire extinguisher to prevent toxic by products.
  87. It makes a tasty douche.
  88. Build a roman PB bath. 
  89.  #include "stdio.h"







int main (int argc, char* args[]) {







printf ("Peanutbutter world!");







return 42;



}
  90. Use it as clothing. Get yourself arrested. Keep appealing the ruling until it reaches the Supreme Court, and peanut butter finally earns acceptance as the clothing that it is.
  91. Spread some on a sleeping person's feet. Send in the dog to wake them.
  92. Use it to rectify the leaning tower of Pisa.
  93. Use large jars of it as goal posts when playing football in the park.
  94. Use it for down markers, too.
  95. Put your grandma's dentures into a glass full of peanut butter. See if the Fixodent still works.
  96. "You never know what peanut butter can tell you. If you listen real carefully, you can even hear the scores for tomorrow's hockey game..."
  97. Make "peanut butter" as your answer to every question on your next test.
  98. Get Peanut Butter listed on the ballot as a candidate... heck, the way some ballots are designed, you might even win!
  99. Empty a jar on the side walk and watch people step in it. Laugh at the looks on their faces
  100. Take a girl's barrette, and put a little bit of peanut butter on the end of the clip--instant catapult!

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© 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002 Andy Kerr and Nathan Eady. All rights reserved. Last updated December 28, 2003

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