PB2K: Uses 2901-3000

Uses 2901-3000

When asked what your favorite band is, immediately respond "Peanut Butter!"
Get the government to build a giant peanut butter wall on the border with Mexico. When anyone tries to get over, they will become so constipated from eating peanut butter that they'll collapse and never make it. To add an ironic twist, build it with peanut butter shipped from Canada under the NAFTA agreement.
Five words for your webby's acceptance speech: "peanut-butter-peanut-butter, peanut-butter heee, peanut-butter-peanut-butter, peanut-butter hoooo!" (Its five, I swear!)
Taunt the French with it.
I shot the sherrif, but I did not fill his esophagus with peanut butter!
Having a hard time figuring out when your peanut butter is just right? Take some and throw it on the ceiling. If it sticks, it's ready to eat. If it doesn't, then it's just not peanut butter.
Tell prospective grad schools that you're obsessed with peanut butter. See if they give you an art scholarship or a stipend.
Tell your co-workers that you're in the Peanut Butter Hall of Fame. Throw a tantrum if they don't see the importance of such an honor..
Make it a new commodity in Pit, right up there with Barley and Wheat.
Rub a little on your hands to help you knit faster.
Whittle it.
Contact the Nobel Prize commission and lobby that it be named Organic Compound of the Year.
Put a large amount of it in the arms of someone's coat, just to see their expressions when they go to put their coat on...
Pity it.
Pretend you're Kroger's: If the national brand is Jiffy, then buy some peanut butter and put it in jars that look almost exactly like the original ones. Call it Spiffy. Jack up the price of Jiffy by 35 cents.
Compare your wimpy peanut butter to Hefty peanut butter, and make up taunting chants about it! (Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy!)
Keep some on the shelf in the living room. It's such a comforting presence.
Use it as your partner for swing dancing--it's a whole lot easier than lifting some girl up in the air!
Well, son, I'll tell you how I got to be so strong. Every day, I used to go out, and lift a jar of peanut butter, and hold it out at the end of my arm for as long as I could stand it. Then, boy, I worked up to two jars, then three. Time got to be I could hold thirty jars, standin' there with my arms straight out. Yep. Sure did that. Then I started putting peanut butter in the jars...
Friends? You don't need friends! You've got a jar of peanut butter, and that should be plenty for you, young man!
Swish it around in your mouth for a good hour or two. Work yourself into a frenzy. Start foaming at the mouth.
Darn good use:

Dear Sir/Madam, I support the Medical Missionaries who operate out of Texas and into Mexico and South America, and do work in the Clinics, Feeding Stations, and Orphanages there. And, although their housing and transportation is paid for, they are in need of many items to take with them to help the people there. If you have any overruns, damaged goods, seconds, or just anything that you think will help the people there, especially the children, please consider sending it directly to:

Vista del sol Baptist Church
11501 Vista del sol drive
El Paso, TX 79936

Thank you in advance for you consideration. Hopefully this is one of those things in life, that when you put your hands to it, you place your prints on file in heaven.....
Feed the birds, tuppence a jar, tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a jar...
Just a spoonful of peanut butter helps the medecine go down!
How many licks to the bottom of a jar of peanut butter? Find out!
A small amount of peanut butter can be made to balance in midair in a strong, vertical stream of air, as from an air compressor.
If you had two air compressors and three bits of peanut butter, I bet you could figure out a way to juggle them in the air without ever touching them... (If you actually pull this off, send us a video, and we'll put it up on the site!)
If you PDF your peanut butter, you can theoretically then eat it anywhere, right?
Write the authorative book on Peanut Butter. Call it the Peanut Butter Bible.
Coat your time card with it before you punch in.
Boil a little with your rice to add a pleasant, creamy flavor.
Don't have a chair with wheels? Just add peanut butter to the carpet until you can slide around with ease!
Grind it up.
Go around telling leprosy patients that their peanut butter just feel on the floor...
Heat it and pump it into your wetsuit to keep you warm while you're scuba diving. Just watch out for the jelly(fish).
Remove all the dirt from your fields. Put in a two-foot layer of peanut butter, and put the topsoil back. You can now use all the fertilizer you want, and not have to worry about it getting into the local water supply and aquifiers. It also reduces your own water usage, as water isn't as likely to seep away.
Use peanut butter as a speed regulator. Attach a jar to a chain and swing it around over your head, going faster and faster. When yhe peanut butter flies off the end and kills someone, you'll know it was going too fast.
Make an impression of your face in it. Leave it in your tomb for followers to find and hail as a miracle.
As you may know, peanut butter is an amazingly necessary ingredient for a number of Chinese dishes. Seriously.
Create a Peanut Butter Award to give to corporate webmasters who design attractive functional pages that still load in less than ten seconds.
Falling in love with that copier repairman? A little peanut butter in the bypass tray, and you'll get to see him all you want!
Trowel some evenly on the wall beside the door. This encourages the kids to write messages in it about where they'll be, and hey, it's a step towards good nutrition, too.
Make a handprint in it. Give it to your Mommy. (For some reason, this doesn't go over quite as well when you're 30...)
Peanut butter fried chicken.
Chicken fried peanut butter.
Smear some all over the cover of Cosmopolitan so that other people can't tell you're reading a girl magazine with sex stories on the cover. (Face it, guys, you were always curious, weren't you?)
Smear peanut butter randomly over burlap. make a dress out of it. You're guaranteed to be the height of fashion at the next Emmys, or at least get your picture in some magazine.
Order a salad at the restaurant to make you look thin, active, and health conscious. When no one's looking, escape starvation by eating some of the peanut butter stored in your purse.
Emboss it.
Embroider it.
Remove the pit from a peach. Replace it with peanut butter. Eat. (Actually, this sounds kinda good...)
Pinch it for good luck.
Use it as a U.N. figurehead. See if anyone notices.
Rub some on Buddha's belly.
Turn in a half-eaten jar of peanut butter as your paper on Dadaism. No professer who understands Dadaism could refute your logic.
Shoot it. Miss on purpose.
At a Halloween party, blindfold everyone and narrate a spooky scene from the morgue as you pass around various objects for them to hold and pass to the next person. Peeled grapes would be the deceased's eyes, a chicken breast could be the heart, and, for the real scream factor, a lubricated condom filled with peanut butter as the deceased's colon...
Da peanut butter made me do it.
Dilute it until it becomes Peanut water and market it as a rival to Coca-cola.
Resign from your job, citing the "unacceptable levels of peanut butter in a professional environment."
Make any computer monitor a no-glare monitor!
For Easter, bring an empty peanut butter jar to Sunday school. Remove the lid and talk about how the stone was rolled away, and how Jesus isn't in the tomb anymore, 'cause he's alive.
If you wanted to get really fancy on this Easter presentation, take a new, full jar, as well, and talk about how the Roman government put a seal on the tomb, just like this Sta-Fresh seal, and... well, maybe you shouldn't take this analogy too far.
Launch massive amounts of it into running jet engines to see if they can handle flying through the high levels of airborne B.S. over Washington, D.C.
When the bombs start falling, run for cover to the bob shelter you've been builing out of peanut butter jars for the last fifteen years.
If you're into model rocketry, you can improve the stability of your erratic rockets by adding peanut butter to the inside of the nose. (Seriously, this works!)
Next time you're making grilled-cheese sandwiches, put peanut butter on the bread instead of butter. Write and tell me how it tastes.
Page it over the intercom at Wal-Mart.
Peanut butter bubble gum! Some gum base, powdered sugar, corn syrup, and a bit of PB, and you should be able to concoct some...
Form the Secret Order of Peanut Butter Monks. All participants must shave with peanut butter, eat peanut butter at every meal, and (most importantly) form an Anti-Spam website.
Do peanut butter jumping jacks: Spread peanut butter in-between your legs, under your armpits, and behind your knees. Do at least fifty jumping jacks in a public place.
Start a religious rivalry between the Church of Spam and the House of PB. Instead of the traditional PB&J sandwiches, substitute the jelly with Spam to create PB&S sandwiches. Make a ton of these. Sell them to both religious PB- and Spam-loving freaks and see what happens.
Why do they call it spamming, anyway? I mean, it makes just about as much sense to call it peanut buttering... so start calling it that. Get your friends to change their word usage, too....
Subject: ILOVEPEANUTBUTTER Attachment: Peanutbutterlover.exe
Take it across state lines for immoral purposes. See how long it takes the Feds to find you.
Put it in a tomato soup can. Use it to hold flower arrangements in place.
Heyyyy... how about maple-flavored peanut butter? I bet people would like that...
Figure out the atomic weight of peanut butter and it's various isotopes.
Mary Kay All-Natural Hand Cream.
Make a big blob of it at the front of your desk, and write your name in it. Tell people it keeps the office pranksters from stealing your nameplate.
Eliminate that burned-coffee odor buy putting a layer of peanut butter at the bottom of the coffee pot--Peanut butter should boil all night, instead of evaporating and burning like coffee would. (Of course, you could just turn off the coffee maker in the afternoon, but then you wouldn't have a use for peanut butter, now would you?)
See if it glows under a blacklight. If not, add stuff to it until it does.
Send a friend an envelope full of peanut butter instead of a birthday card.
Keep the dust jackets from sliding off your books by adding a generous layer of peanut butter between the book and jacket.
Suck it through a bilge-pump.
Reportedly, the ancient Romans used to use lead as a sweetener. So, in theory, you could sweeten your PB with Pb...
Use it to keep your balance while wing-walking.
Stick the phone receiver to your head with peanut butter so that you can talk hands-free.
Fill in keyholes to ward off peeping toms.
Don't like being watched at work? A little peanut butter on the camera in your cubicle does the trick!
Don't like having your country watched? Hire an astronomer to find the spy satellites, and then launch a few hundred dollars worth of peanut butter at them. They'll be out a billion dollar spy satellite, but no one will mention it, because that would mean admitting that it existed in the first place.
Wait until astronomers are predicting a spectacular meteor shower. (They do this about once or twice a year.) When a group of people decide to get together and go out to the countryside to watch it, tag along at a safe distance. Once they're settled and watching, start launching globs of peanut butter nearby. Watch the scramble to find the "meteors" in the dark.
"Comrades, we will have to abandon Mir. The Americans haven't shown up with the peanut butter yet."
Do some research. Find out if the Russians had any form of peanut butter.
Give some to visiting diplomats as a token of good will.
Hmm... if I have a use a day for the next seven years--eight years, actually, at this point--that means I could create a Perpetual Peanut Butter Calendar! Buy one calendar, and use it for the rest of your life--the Peanut Butter Uses would always be fresh!
If your bike lacks fenders, smear peanut butter all over the back of your pants so that you won't get your seat and legs wet from the water spraying off the wheels.
Old bedsheet + peanut butter = instant rain poncho!
Post random uses from this list to alt.peanut-butter.electricity and see what kind of response you get from the regulars.
Use peanut butter to Avoid the Noid.

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