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Uses 2601-2700

  1. Cracked heat exchanger on your furnace? Nothing a little PB can't handle!
  2. On the off chance that PB won't fix the crack, use pb to plug the gas line to the broken burner.
  3. Plug up the exhaust from your furnace so all that nice carbon monoxide doesn't escape. [Do NOT do this.]
  4. How many degrees is it from Kevin Bacon? (Hint: One. Name the movie.)
  5. Put peanut butter on a sword, give to your local cyclops as a "Lollipop with a surprise at the center!"
  6. Keep politicians from rattling their sabers by putting a little peanut butter in the scabbards.
  7. "He who draws this sword from this jar of peanut butter shall be the next king of England...!"
  8. Tip: Putting peanut butter on your sword before a battle makes it easier to get it clean afterwards.
  9. Rewrite Macbeth: "What is this? Is this a dagger I see before me? And a jar of peanut butter? Why should I then not make me a sandwich? A sandwich to kill the king!"
  10. The more people think that's just a long peanut butter sandwich, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them with it.
  11. A pleasant afternoon: Re-reading the twelve Swords books while snacking on peanut butter crackers.
  12. Hone the edge of your sword on petrified peanut butter for a clean, durable edge.
  13. Simplify the spelling of "sword" to "sord." Complicate the spelling of "peanut butter" to "peignhjet bhuttre."
  14. When ogres are in short supply, practice your swordsmanship on a jar of peanut butter.
  15. Got Peanut Butter?
  16. Reportedly, you can get out of a DUI by keeping PB in th glove compartment and eating some before the officer gets to your window. (But then, do you trust everything you hear on the radio? Hard evidence welcome...)
  17. Two words: stool sample.
  18. Straddle it in bed, screaming, "What's my name! Say it! Say my name!"
  19. Look at it, point to it, and call it by it's name. Do a little dance.
  20. Feed it to your horse with soda and pretzels.
  21. Fill roommate's belly button while she's asleep.
  22. Make play dough out of it by adding honey and powdered milk in various proportions until it doesn't stick to your hands. Knead well. It molds well and tastes great, but it lands in your stomach like a rock, so don't eat too much.
  23. Mix with tuna fish for a wonderful sandwich; less fat than adding mayonnaise, too.
  24. My bum is on the peanut butter...
  25. Put large amounts of it in your ears whenever Britney Spears comes on the radio.
  26. Protect nipples from sunburn. Seriously.
  27. Duct tape two containters of peanut butter to your head. Wear it 24 hours a day. Act confused when people mention it.
  28. Stick your little brother/sister to the ceiling with it. (Cover their mouth to muffle screaming)
  29. Throw globs on the windows of houses on your block as a substitute for eggs.
  30. Stick a glob on the houses on your block, with a paper signed by "The Peanut Butter Man."
  31. Keep a tray of PB under the bed to catch monsters (and stray socks).
  32. Trade it to the Russians for nuclear subs.
  33. Douse anyone who says "nucular" with it.
  34. Add to large footwear for a tighter fit.
  35. Cover your dad's car with it. Tell him the dog did it.
  36. If your water gets turned off because you forgot to pay the bills, put peanut butter in your bong in place of water.
  37. Put it on your fingernails for 5 minutes and then wash it off to make your nails stronger. I'm told it's so.
  38. Coat that evil annoying person in it and roll them in sunflower seeds and corn meal, then toss 'em to the squirrels.
  39. Add it to chili. It's actually kinda good.
  40. Using it as shaving cream is so passČ; use it as an alternative to shaving!
  41. Sculpt a mate for the class hamster.
  42. Throw it at people you like, a la Jude the Obscure. Claim you were flirting.
  43. Load it up in a giant catapult and hurl it at unsuspecting circus clowns. That happy face will turn to horror when they look up and see 3 tons of Jiffy smooth hurtling towards them...
  44. Fill the Florida Panthers' locker room to a depth of three feet.
  45. Knock on your next-door-neighbor's door, and run away, leaving a medium sized jar of peanut butter on the step. Do it every night for 9 days. On the last night leave a jar of jam.
  46. Put it in the bottom of someones shoes. Play detective with the footprints.
  47. Spread it in front of the fireplace on Christmas Eve. Look for tracks in the morning.
  48. Peanut butter fudge. Mmmmmm..... why'd we wait more than 2,000 uses to think of that?
  49. Put it in a color photo copier and make hundreds of copies. Then put one copy in every mailbox in the neighborhood.
  50. Pour it down your brother's shirt and watch him squirm.
  51. Eat it to give you a mega energy boost before a race!
  52. Make a sandwich with peanut butter, honey, ham, deli mustard, cool ranch Doritos on white bread. Eat it. Insist that it is good.
  53. Create a sculpture of Ringo Starr out of peanut butter and mail it to him C.O.D. and see if he'll pay for your "masterpiece."
  54. Give it a slanted close-up in a horror movie.
  55. Carry a jar with you at all times. When you see a good subject on the street or in a shopping mall, run up, press it into their hands and frantically say; "Oh God, please, please help me. Look after this, you must, you can't let them get it. Oh, no." Then look over your shoulder, scream, and run away. It helps if you get two friends to dress in CIA sutis and follow you for this one.
  56. Fill a two-liter bottle with it. Over-pressurize it. Leave it on the drinks table at a party...
  57. Make your roommate a peanut butter and Country CD sandwich.
  58. Nail polish.
  59. When in doubt, consult your peanut butter.
  60. Pretend you have a really, really nasty head cold.
  61. Stick quarters to the ground with it. See who stops to pick them up.
  62. In a pinch, it can be used for temporary roller bearing grease on boats and campers.
  63. Bait dingoes with it.
  64. You see, dingoes don't really like to eat children, they just really really like peanut butter. So, if you ban peanut butter from the house, you should, in theory, be safe...
  65. Use it as a lube for masturbating. There. I said it. It's on there. Now quit suggesting it, you wankers.
  66. If your neighbor wakes you every morning by revving his motorcycle (as motorcycle owners are wont to do) then you can fill up the tailpipes with peanut butter, and enjoy sleeping in for once.
  67. Teachers! This is a great list to read aloud during rainy-day recess!
  68. Set up a stand on a street corner and have random individuals taste test between Brand X and Brand Y. When they guess, tell them that they are the same brand!
  69. Open up a can of peanut butter Whup-Ass on your opponent.
  70. What's the deal with the iMac? Here, dip it in PB and call it the pMac...(NB: This site is developed on both PCs and Macs, so I don't want to hear your childish computer-war comments, OK?)
  71. H-bomb, nothin'! I got a PB-bomb!
  72. Try to sue the government because the constitution doesn't state your right to peanut butter.
  73. Try to convience the school that the should teach students the do's and don'ts of peanut butter--how much is too much.
  74. Roll it up in brown paper. Try to pass it off as crayons.
  75. Cheap wedding present, yes, but if the bride can't cook, it's going to be very, very,very appreciated within a week or so.
  76. Sneak out of gym class and add copious amounts of PB to everyone's shoes in the locker room. Slip back into class-you have an alibi; you were in gym class...
  77. Lay eggs in it. This does assume that you can lay eggs.
  78. Three-cheese PB lasagna!
  79. Mix Jiffy, Skippy, and Peter Pan peanut butter and watch 'em duke it out.
  80. Double layer PB&J: Use three pieces of bread, spread peanut butter on the inner side of the two outer slices, and spread jelly on both sides of the inner slice. This way, the jelly doesn't make the bread on the outside of the sandwich soggy. Having a double-layer sandwich eliminates the need for a second sandwich, which of course we always want to have after eating our first.
  81. Melt some in a small bowl and use it as dipping sauce for that fake crab meat stuff. Butter has too much cholesterol.
  82. Substitute for organ transplants.
  83. Mash peanuts in your mouth. (Poor college student's peanut butter.)
  84. Throw it away. (Whaddaya, nuts? That's stuff's useful!)
  85. Call the fire department. Try to get them to rescue your poor peanut butter from a tree.
  86. Leave globs of it in the twisty slide in McDonalds Play Land.
  87. Inject pig adrenaline into it.
  88. Add... chocolate.
  89. Stick it to your TV screen. Convince family it's your favorite show.
  90. Use it to put big brother's model air planes together.
  91. Make color copies of it.
  92. Laminate it.
  93. Pelt it with a staple gun.
  94. Add it to Captain Crunch! (Oh, wait...)
  95. Check, cash, or peanut butter?
  96. Give it to the UPS driver for his/her birthday.
  97. Blow it up with fire crackers.
  98. Pull it with your tractor-trailer.
  99. Toss it when you run out of cow patties.
  100. Go on and on about who gets your peanut butter in your will.

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© 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002 Andy Kerr and Nathan Eady. All rights reserved. Last updated December 28, 2003

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