PB2K: Uses 2501-2600

Uses 2501-2600

When someone asks for peanut butter, kick them as hard as possible in the groin. Offer no explanations.
Start the International Journal of Comparative Peanut Butter Studies. Make yourself editor. See what sort of articles people send you.
Leave some peanut butter on the railroad tracks about 10 minutes before the train arrives. Try to estimate how far the peanut butter will be smeared, and check your results after the train passes.
Get a jar of PB stuck in a tree. Call the fire department about getting it down.
Parse it.
"Peanutbutter" makes a great password.
Make a parody of the X-Files--the PB Files! Make all the aliens resemble peanut butter and jelly in some way.
Be terse with it.
Write verse with it.
Cast a curse with it.
Eat it 'til you're sick and go to the nurse with it.
Collect coins? Make an impression of the obverse with it!
Put some in your transmission and drive in reverse with it.
Take out a loan and see if you can reimburse with it.
Claim you're not adverse to it.
Ride in a hearse with it.
Do something worse with it...
Eat Certs with it!
Put a jar of it on the tail of a kite in a lightning storm.
Have fun with a peanut butter egg on a Tesla coil.
Coat your Van de Graaff generator with it to keep it from making those annoying sparks.
Strap a few jars to yourself when you go to weigh in for a wrestling match so that you can get into a heavier weight class.
Stick your eyelids open with it so you can at least pretend to be awake during class.
Write a VBasic program to pop up error messages on a friend's computer, claiming that the computer is almost out of peanut butter, and please insert more to continue... (I'm working on it. I'll post the program when I'm done...)
Build your own climbing wall out of dried peanut butter.
Use an old peanut butter jar to hold your chalk
Grease Tarzan's next vine.
Mix with mentholyptus to make a better-tasting throat drop.
Put a towel over your head and sit over a steaming bowl of peanut butter to clear up a stuffy head.
Go go gadget peanut butter!
Sculpt fins for your car.
Ask if you can get free advertising in exchange for a few jars of peanut butter.
You know, at this rate, I think we can reach 3000 uses for Peanut Butter by the year 2000. Write to kerr@kconline.com to help out!
Shave your head. Make designs on it in peanut butter.
And if you buy now, we'll send you, FREE, this 12 oz. jar of peanut butter, absolutely FREE!"
Offer it as a signing bonus to attract better football players.
Pump your football pads full of PB for a firmer feel.
Tackle it.
No! It's not the long bomb! He's throwing a PEANUT BUTTER BOMB! Folks, I have not seen this play in professional football in over 30 years! This is absolutely incredible!
Barry! You just won the Super Bowl! What are you going to do now? "I'm going to eat a peanut butter sandwich!"
Lateral the PB to the QB so he can make a TD.
Use it to soothe wounds if you are gored by a papal bull.
Carry some with you to fend off the bulls in Pamplona.
Start a campaign to "Stop Elephant Porn!" Take out ad space on peanut butter jars.
Elephant Porn? There's lubrication possibilities, here...
Entice elephants into your studio with "all the peanut butter they can eat."
I swear that there's a folk song out there that ends with, "Toot, toot, peanut butter" but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is. Incidentally, a number of people have written with the following lyrics:

A peanut sat on the railroad track
His heart was all a-flutter
Around the bend came number ten
Toot Toot! Peanut Butter!

Now you know, too.
Amend the constitution to make peanut butter illegal. See if it has similar effects as with prohibition.
Peanut Butter Does Dallas
Debbie Does Peanut Butter
Give it a smog check.
D.A.R.E. to keep kids off peanut butter!
"Sir, would you please step out of the car. Have you had any peanut butter tonight?"
Clear as peanut butter, boss!
Build a ramp in your driveway and perform death defying leaps as you see how many jars of peanut butter you can clear with your bicycle.
If your car runs out of gas, fashion yourself a gas can out of peanut butter and hitchhike to the nearest gas station.
Use peanut butter to sculpt an extra thumb onto your hand so you won't strain your hand by sticking your thumb out for hours until someone stops to pick you up.
If you don't have a jack for your car, get a branch and lever up your car while sticking peanut butter as many peanut butter jars underneath as you can.
As a great practical joke, jack up someone's car and set it on top of a dozen peanut butter jars. No damage, but getting it down again is a bit of a challenge.
Put it on battery terminals to keep them from corroding.
In winter, warm up some PB on the stove, and pack it around frozen gas and water lines to help thaw them out.
A bit of warmed-up PB in a sandwich bag makes a very nice handwarmer.
You know, it takes way too long to teach kids how to hold a pencil, whe they can be learning to write. We should skip them ahead to the next level by just peanutbuttering the pencil to their index finger and starting in on the alphabet....
Cover kids shoes with it so they can't untie them so easily.
Sculpt fat handles onto pre-existing silverware to make things easier for kids and seniors.
Write out your dying words in peanut butter.
Use it to Win Friends and Influence People!
Discover the Power of Positive Peanut Butter!
Put out an APB on the PB!
Or like Ross Perot used to say, "The Economy is like peanut butter. If you feed it to a horse and he chews on it, it'll look like he's talking."
Build a house of cards. Use peanut butter to keep the cards from sliding across each other.
Take peanut butter on long road trips so that you won't have to stop to eat.
Take peanut butter jars on long road trips so that you won't have to stop to....
Heck, if you could make gas out of peanut butter, you wouldn't have to stop at all!
If you want to learn high-dives, but can't find a high-dive platform, build yourself one out of peanut butter.
If you'd rather not go to all that trouble, simply fill the pool with peanut butter, instead, so that you can get used to the impact that the water would have had from higher up.
Instead of a trampoline. use peanut butter for rescuing people from burning buildings.
Mix peanut butter with ammonia. Mix bleach with jelly. Make a sandwich. Throw it into the ventilation system and leave quickly.
Coat your vocal cords with it. See if you can talk like Barry White.
Spike it with caffeine, uppers, and helium. See if you can talk like Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Add rusty bolts to it to get Ultra Chunky.
Fill the jar with depleted uranium. Use as a paperweight.
Put some on your chest so that you can iron your shirt--while wearing it--without getting burned.
Blow bubbles with it.
Fold it. Extra points for origami.
Pour wax into a an almost-empty peanut butter jar and add a wick. Once the wax dries, pry the jar off to reveal a fascinating candle!
Determine the resonant frequency of PB. Find someone who can break it by singing.
Cover your roof with it in early fall so that all the leaves will stick to it, providing an extra layer of insulation.
Swat it with a flyswatter.
Shoot it with a gun. If you can set up high speed cameras to capture the impact, so much the better.
Set up a dozen high speed cameras around it so that not only can you capture the impact, you can then rotate the image like they do in Gap commercials and The Matrix.
Scoop it out of the jar with an ice cream scoop and put it into cones. Serve to the unexpecting.
Well, if Ice cream in a pie is Baked Alaska, what's peanut butter in pie? Baked Georgia?
Cut open a refrigerator box and cover it evenly with peanut butter. Breakdance as usual--the peanut butter will give you extra spin time.
Yeah? Well, I got CHUNKY peanut butter! Who da man! Who da man NOW, boy?
Fill in the ridges on a Twizzler.
Fill in the ridges on your potato chips.
Fill in the ridges in the Rocky Mountains....
If you have a double chin, put some peanut butter in the folds, and squeeze it out so it looks li... uh, never mind.
Spin it into thread. Weave yourself a shirt.

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