PB2K: Uses 1901-2000

Uses 1901-2000

Ferment it and make peanut butter wine.
Distill peanut butter wine and make peanut butter whiskey.
Let peanut butter wine spoil and get peanut butter vinegar.
Serve peanut butter wine and peanut butter whiskey and peanut butter vinegar at a party, in identical pitchers.
Make peanut butter fudge. Mmmmmmm.
Final exam in child psychology course: Convince a group of 30 second graders that peanut butter cookies are "icky." At least five of the children must be given one to eat first.
Give your spouse a bath in peanut butter as a form of theraputic stress relief.
Refill old "Squeeze-It" plastic juice bottles.
Develop a school of literary criticism that seeks to analyze every work of literature as a metaphor for peanut butter.
Apply the peanut butter school of literary criticism to peanut butter advertisements.
Apply the peanut butter school of literary criticism to the ingredients lists on jars of peanut butter.
Apply the peanut butter school of literary criticism to your revered religious or political document of choice; develop a new religious or political philosophy from your interpretation. Proselytize the masses with it.
Become a WWF wrestler; use peanut butter as your gimmick.
<blasphemy>
Joy to the World,
the peanut butter has come.
Let Earth receive her King...
</blasphemy>
Get Woody Allen started talking about peanut butter. Record it. Make a movie.
Route a Valnier Particle Stream through peanut butter conduit to actuate its trajectory with additional accuracy without reducing its density, thus allowing long-distance manipulation of a Type F Newton Vortex, allowing a Tharkeen Passage to be created without being physically near to the Plotkin Anomaly controlling the Gate.
Can't find a job in the holiday season? Start your own peanut butter factory!
Offended by Dead Baby jokes? Write Dead Peanut Butter jokes!
Suspend a bucket full of peanut butter over the front door. Rig the doorbell to a small winch to pull a rope over a pulley, lifting the bottom of the bucket. Make the length of the rope such that the third ring will upend the bucket.
Use it to fill in the grooves on your old-fashioned washboard so it'll be easier to do laundry.
Decorate snowmen with it. It makes excellent hair, and it also works for boogers.
Decorate puppets with it. It makes excellent hair, and it also works for boogers.
Make a paper-mache pleiosaur. Coat it with peanut butter for waterproofing and realistic colouring. Tow it on a long, long rope behind your boat on Loch Ness. At night.
"I'm gettin' peanut butter for Christmas.
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm gettin' peanut butter for Christmas.
Cause I ain't been peanut butter..."
"Of course, of course. From some Libian nationalists. They wanted me to build them a bomb, so I took their peanut butter and gave them a shoddy bomb casing filled with used pinball machine parts."
Write your own version of Cinderella, in which the wicked stepsisters wouldn't let Cinderella have any peanut butter.
If you have two dogs, you never have to bathe them. Just coat them both in peanut butter and let them bathe each other!
Use it to stick antlers to your dog's head so you can be the Grinch.
Replace the Jai-Lai puck with something a little less dangerous. Or did we already mention accelerating it to the speed of light and standing in its path?
Design and build the highest-powered telescope ever. Rent the space shuttle and launch it into space. Discover a star never seen before. Name it "Peanut Butter".
Start your own school of revisionist history claiming that ancient peoples all over the world once believed in the Great Cosmic Peanut Butter and only later developed inferior religions such as paganism and theism. Cite evidence in ancient writings that are alluded to in other ancient writings but do not in fact remain to be studied; that way, no one can refute your claims. It also helps to use big words and compound-complex sentences and speak in abstractions.
Fill a bowl with peanut butter. Cover it with plastic wrap. Play catch with it. Send a videotape to the plastic wrap company for use in advertising. If they don't use it, send a copy to the peanut butter company. If they don't air it either, send it to America's Funniest Home Videos.
Drop globs of it in the fountain at the mall for "good luck at the dinner table".
Play the game at the amusement park where you have to throw pennies at a plate and have them stay on the plate. Keep a little peanut butter in your pocket, and secretly smear just a little on each penny to increase your chances.
Fill the chimney with it so Santa will get stuck. On Christmas morning light a fire in the fireplace.
Create a jail cell that's lined from wall to wall with electric outlets, each on its own circuit. Plug them all with peanut butter. Put your prisoners in there and give them nothing (else) to eat. Make sure they're barefoot and the floor is metal.
Give one prisoner nothing but milk. Give the other nothing but peanut butter. Separate their cells with a thick but transparent wall of plexiglass.
Add it to salsa for a slightly different flavor on your chips.
If you have a broken jaw and the oral surgeon is booked solid for a month, mix peanut butter with contact cement and fill your mouth with that to immobilize your jaw.
If you run out of peanut butter, panic.
If someone you know runs out of peanut butter and panic, try to get them to use walnut butter instead. Tell them it's "almost the same".
If someone tries to get you to use walnut butter in place of peanut butter, tell them to go bite a sidewalk. Almost isn't good enough.
Stir chopped cashews into some regular peanut butter to make Gourmet Mixed Nut Spread.
"Found a peanut butter,
Found a peanut butter,
Found a peanut butter just now,
Just now I found a peanut butter,
Found a peanut butter just now..."
Add cornstarch to peanut butter and heat it to thicken it up, thus making "Extra Rich" peanut butter.
Who needs beef and lettuce and tomato and cheese? The best tacos are made with peanut butter and chocolate chips!
Stuff the nozzle of your dad's propane torch with peanut butter. See how long it takes him to notice next time he tries to use it.
At parties, hang jars of peanut butter upside down and lidless from the ceiling. Party-goers must try to eat the peanut butter without using their hands.
Wear a heavy jar of peanut butter in a belly pouch during the holiday season so you don't constantly forget your diet with all the sweets around.
Make a peanut butter sandwich. Fry it. Dip it in ketchup and have it for lunch. Erin Simpson insists this is quite tasty.
Stick car parts together with it.
Dab it on your face to make a fake mustache and beard so you look more venerable.
Put some on the toilet paper. Kick the roll over into the next stall. Say, "Oops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
Put peanut butter on the bottoms of your shoes so you walk with a bounce.
Put it under the rug so your parents will have a squishy surprise.
Mold pennies out of it.
Eyebrow and leg wax.
Put some on a couple of teeth to scare the dentist.
Use it to stick nuts to the tree to tease squirrels.
Give yourself fake chicken pox.
Put some on the windshield and push it around with the wiper blades for fun.
Heat it. Apply it to your windshield on a winter morning to melt the frost.
Coat car tires with it so they'll stick to the road better.
Put it on icy roads and parking lots to prevent slippage.
Dab it on the bottom of the "feet" of granny's walker so she won't slip.
Hide medicine in it so it'll go down unnoticed.
You don't need uses for peanut butter, really. Peanut butter is an end unto itself.
Push it down a snowy hill. See if you get a huge ball at the bottom.
Throw it out in front of skydivers to get them to jump.
If someone is on a high building, yelling that they're going to jump, quickly get a large vat of peanut butter and position it just under them.
Hang a jar of it on your wall.
Treat it like it's a member of your family. (Oh, see, and here's Timmy, and here's Skippy....")
Convince a grandmother to have some in her "brag book." Videotape her showing off her "grandchildren."
Teach it to skate.
If you have a frozen lake nearby, smack a jar of it around on the ice like a hockey puck.
Create a rocket-powered peanut butter jar. Race it with your friends. Kudos if you break the sound barrier in the process.
Spread it on the wings of supersonic aircraft to absorb heat.
Spread it on your boat to prevent barnacles.
Sneak some onto an aircraft carrier. While no one's looking, mount it to the piston they use to launch jets. Launch your peanut butter.
Throw some off the poop deck for target practice.
Coat slippery boat decks with it to make them... more slippery.
If someone falls overboard, throw him some peanut butter.
Defend your actions in court by pointing out that fat floats, and that peanut butter has 17 grams of fat per tablespoon.
Invoke the peanut butter clause.
Exorcize it.
Paint it red.
Bleach it.
The inspector has been shot. Round up the usual peanut butters."
Play it again, Jiffy.
Surely Inspector Gadget had some peanut butter on him somewhere...
"Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find me the bread. This peanut butter will self-destruct in five seconds."
Rewritable Peanut Butter Discs. (RPBDs)
Trap a genie in it.
Store your slinky in it so that your brother won't find it and ruin it.
PB jars make great containers to mail cookies in...
Spread it on fruitcake to disguise the fact that it's... fruitcake.
Hide some fruitcake in a peanut butter jar so that people will accept it cheerfully before they realize what you've actually given them.
Gather all the fruitcakes anyone ever sends you, and dry them out on the heat register. Once you've got a good collection, use peanut butter to join them together to make a colorful brick patio or fireplace.
Did someone say stocking stuffer?
Empty your refrigerator. Fill it up with as many PB jars as will fit. Claim not to know anything about it.

1-100 | 101-200 | 201-300 | 301-400 | 401-500 | 501-600 | 601-700 | 701-800 | 801-900 | 901-1000 | 1001-1100 | 1101-1200 | 1201-1300 | 1301-1400 | 1401-1500 | 1501-1600 | 1601-1700 | 1701-1800 | 1801-1900 | 1901-2000 | 2001-2100 | 2101-2200 | 2201-2300 | 2301-2400 | 2401-2500 | 2501-2600 | 2601-2700 | 2701-2800 | 2801-2900 | 2901-3000 | 3001-3100 | 3101-3200 | 3201-3300 | 3301-3400 | 3401-end | submit a use | hall of fame | awards we've received | list all uses (350 k) | sort by rating | sort by use (coming soon)