PB2K: Uses 1801-1900

Uses 1801-1900

Throw it in protest at football games.
"The paths of righteousness lead straight to the peanut butter..."
Put peanut butter on the garage floor so that it won't get stained with oil drips.
Hang a jar of peanut butter in your garage so that you know how far to pull the car in.
Keep a jar of peanut butter on your dashboard to remind you that you have bikes on the roof rack, and don't go smashing them by taking the drive-through lane at the bank.
Keep all your spare change in it so that you can pay tolls while you're travelling.
Throw some in the dryer to prevent static cling.
If your skirt shows through too much, smear some peanut butter on the inside to keep you decent.
Fry doughnuts in it.
Block up the radiator grille on your car with it for more warmth in winter.
"Well, the Skippy on my right shoulder told me to help him, but the Jiffy on my left shoulder said to...."
Make epaulets for your the shoulders of your favorite coat. Wear them proudly.
SDI is, in actuality, trained monkeys sitting on satellites, throwing jars of PB at incoming missiles.
If an infinite amount of monkeys ate an infinite amount of peanut butter and sat down to type an infinite number of Sociology papers that were due the next morning....
Stack up as many jars of it as you can. The moon is only 1,922,005,000 jars away! [It might be noted that I made these measurements on the 40 oz jar in my cupboard, and that you'll need more of the smaller jars to make up the distance. -- Andy Kerr.]
If all the sky were parchment, and all the seas were ink, and all the islands peanut butter-- what would we do for drink?
Spray the inside of bathroom stall with great quanitiues of PB. Take a long time, until there's a line. Give the next person a very relived look when you finally do come out.
See what Freud had to say about peanut butter.
Travel back in time. Convince Salvadore Dali to include a jar of peanut butter in one of his paintings.
If that fails, you can sell it to him as mustache wax for that incredible mustache of his.
"Then, after we extract the dinosaur's DNA from the mosquito trapped in this fossilized bit of peanut butter...."
Build a car out of it. See how well it performs in government crash tests.
Stand on a street corner, handing it out. Claim it's your body, broken for them....
"Parlez vous Peanut-butter?"
"Ja wohl, mein Fuhrer! Ich esse der Peanutbutterbrotchenmitstrawbettypreservenessensstoff!"
(Singing) I took with me upon the streetcar
My peanut butter, my peanut butter..."
Find the ingredient list on a jar of PB. read it aloud to your kids at bedtime to get them to go to sleep.
Tell people your middle initials are P.B. Grin all the time you do so.
Rub it on your teeth to cover up "smoker's stains."
Mold some onto your table lamps to make the look like trees.
Thoroughly pack your mouth with peanut butter. Carefully remove the glob, so you can make a casting of the inside of your mouth.
Stick newspaper articles into your scrapbok with it.
If you're doing a historical display, and want the newspapers to look aged, just spread a little peanut butter on the reverse side of the paper.
Make your own waxed paper: spread peanut butter on paper, and bake on high for 10 minutes.
Laminate it.
Always include PB in the family portrait.
Create a constellation. Call it Jiffy. Make up your own horoscopes based on it's position in the sky.
Spread some around the catbox to catch any stray pieces of cat litter that might get kicked out.
Put some in the fridge, to absorb odors.
Drop some on your toe. Make up a new swear word.
Poke holes in an old can. Fill it halfway with peanut butter and susped it over your houseplants. Fill the other half of the can with water. this allows the slow, steady watering that is most beneficial to plants.
At Easter, let the kids go on a peanut butter hunt.
Use it in children's church: "See? On the third day, Tommy, the top of the peanut butter jar was unscrewed, and Jesus walked out, alive! Isn't that amazing?"
Instead of a business card, hand out jars of peanut butter.
Blaspheme it.
Stipple it.
Osculate it.
Pay to have Truman eat it on The Truman Show.
If your school system can't afford to buy you supplies, teach children rhythm in music class by banging jars of peanut butter together.
Explain atomic fission with it: "Und so, when the little glob of peanut butter is fired into the big glob of peanut butter, the glob reaches critical mass...."
Every day, take out a personals ad in the paper begging your peanut butter to come home to you, all is forgiven.
SWM, ISO PB for some serious sandwich making. No crunchies, please.
Meditate on it, instead of your navel.
Meditate on a navel filled with peanut butter.
Meditate on the sound of a man clapping who has peanut butter on his hands.
New law: by 2004, all cars must be installed with a system that will spray a cloud of peanut butter from the roof of the car should it ever exceed 55 mph.
Bathe in it. Rinse with milk.
Dark chocolate is chocolate with the cocoa butter still in it. Milk chocolate is where the cocoa butter in chocolate is replaced with milk. Peanut Butter Chocolate is where the cocoa butter is replaced with peanut butter....
Take a look at the puddles on the garage floor. If it's dark brown, the car is leaking oil. If it's green, the car is leaking coolant. If it's light brown, boy, you've got a problem with your peanut butter seals!
Spread it on swordfish steaks in case the seafood is as fresh as it normally is in Indiana.
Keep some in your toolbox, just in case.
Find a man named Justin Case, and give him a case... just in case.
Using Fontographer, develop a font that looks like peanut butter. Let people download it for free off your website.
The peanut butter virus: Turns your screen various shades of brown every weekday afternoon at 3:30.
Get the National Dairy Board to use peanut butter in their ads for milk. Nothing makes you thirstier for milk than peanut butter....
Roll jars of peanut butter across the freeway to a friend on the other side. Calculate the hit/miss ratio.
A radio-control jar of peanut butter would be really cool.
Empty PB jars make good coffins for smaller pets, such as gerbils.
Pull off the knobs on your TV and spray some peanut butter inside for better reception.
Make a *really* small fishtank out of an empty, clean jar. I reccomend a Betta Splendens as an occupant.
Cover over the reset button on your computer so your little sister doesn't push it by accident while you're working on something really, really important.
Make it a level in your shareware Breakout game.
Smear it on your Christmas presents instead of wrapping them.
Nothing says "I love you" like a faceful of peanut butter!
Use it to stick a spare set of keys to the underside of your car, in case you ever get locked out.
Put a large amount in a sandwich baggie. Wrap it festively. Videotape the expressions of people as they pinch their presents, trying to figure out what you might have gotten them...
Count out Fibbonacci sequences using jars of peanut butter.
Mix Kool-Aid in it to get fun flavors. Avoid the Mega Mountain Twists at al costs.
If your wife keeps yapping at your to get off the computer, give her a mouthful of peanut butter to suck on so that you have a few minutes' peace and quiet.
Find an old squashball court. Line up several hundred jars along the opposite wall. Play Breakout.
Wallow in it.
New form of torture: sew the prisoner's lips together, then put him in a room full of peanut butter. Tell him to write out what you want to know in the peanut butter on the walls with his finger.
When getting ready for a date, if you're afraid your mouth will run uncontrollably and embarrass you, fill your mouth with peanut butter to prevent this.
Discipline with the dreaded peanut butter spanking. Coat the paddle with peanut butter so it stings differently.
Create a large mockup of a jar of peanut butter out of paper mache. Paint it green. Travel to Ellis Island, sneak up at night, and cover the torch with it so it looks like the statue is holding your favorite brand.
Practice on it with your power tools. You can drill the same holes and make the same cuts again and again, then mold the peanut butter back into its original shape for next time.
Use it to fill in that rough surface on sandpaper to make it smoother.
Take crunchy peanut butter and run it through an industrial strength blender to make creamy peanut butter.
Add chopped peanuts to creamy peanut butter to make crunchy peanut butter.
If you need an excuse to travel to England, say you've never had "wholemeal" peanut butter and intend to try some, preferably Tesco's.
Design an original symbol. Sneak into an archive of blueprints and put it in strategic locations of a few of the blueprints. Add it to the key with the descriptive text "peanut butter". Never tell anyone.
Normally a square peg won't fit in a round hole, but if the square peg is made of peanut butter, you can make it fit.
Coat the compressed-spring snake with it before squeezing it into the can, so when some fool opens the can and the snake pops out, it'll be messy.
Give peanut butter to your employees as an annual bonus in lieu of a raise.
Wrap a glop of peanut butter in plastic wrap.
"I dream of Jeanie with the light brown peanut butter..."
If you get pre-sliced pepperoni and wanted a stick, stick the slices back together with peanut butter.
Sabatoge a peanut butter factory by putting peanut butter in parts of the equipment where it doesn't belong. If you get caught, say you were just trying to create a little dramatic irony.
Lock a person you want to torture in a room. Dip dead mice in peanut butter and hang them from the ceiling in there. Give the person nothing (else) to eat. They will have to lick the peanut butter from the dead mice. Each day let the dead mice age longer before putting them in the room, and put less and less peanut butter on each one.
Meticulously brush a little peanut butter onto each blade of grass in your yard. See if the local newspaper will interview you. Explain how it's really a kind of art. Come up with a name for your new form of art, and make sure it ends with "ism".

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