PB2K: Uses 1601-1700

Uses 1601-1700

"Thar she peanutbutters!"
Make a little submarine out of a half-empty jar by drilling a hole in one side and using some aquarium air hose to make it sink and lower in the bathtub.
Turn a (mostly empty) jar of it upside down in your aquarium, so that the crabs will have a place to go if they don't want to be underwater. (Otherwise, they climb out... and trust me, it's a pretty bizarre sight to have your cat facing down a crab!)
Take a jar to the office. Put it in a different place every day. See how long it takes before the "daily peanut butter hunt" is an office pastime.
Make playing cards out of the labels. Four Jiffys beats a pair of Skippy.
Hide a tiny jar of it in your Christmas tree. Give a prize to the first person who finds it.
When they do find it, give them... peanut butter!
Build a menorah out of it.
Fashion a dreidel out of some frozen peanut butter. Play as fast as you can before the spinner melts.
Market "kosher" peanut butter.
On every day of Hanukkah, give your child a gift... wrapped in a jar of PB.
Use food coloring to make it red, green, and black. Give it to your friend; insist it's a Kwanzaa salad.
Roast the biggest jar of it you can find, complete with all the trimmings.
Create anti-gravity: coat one side of a piece of bread with peanut butter, and the other side with jelly. Drop it. The bread will never reach the floor and hover there, spinning, battling Murphy's Law for which side will land face down.
Ask an evolutionist to explain the existence of peanut butter.
Get an opposing view on peanut butter from a Creationist.
Create legends about it. See how far you can get them to spread. Once it has reached it's height, go onto alt.legends.urban, and denounce it as a fake. Spend the rest of your life trying to correct people's new beliefs.
Go to a restaurant. Order a peanut butter sandwich.
Should said peanut butter sandwich actually arrive at your table, jump up on your chair and scream at the top of your lungs about how they brought you this NAKED peanut butter sandwich. Slap the waiter several times and never be seen again.
Write a letter to the Pope. Ask about his feelings on peanut butter.
Go to a Shinto shrine. Have your peanut butter blessed.
Sit on a few jars of it so that you can see comfortably at the dinner table.
Auction off your blind date for jars of peanut butter.
Make a large hollow in a jar of PB. Slip your soda cans into it, to keep them cool in summer.
Run a cup of peanut butter through the office coffee machine to remove the calcium buildup.
Add it to your coffee. (I bet this would actually taste pretty good.)
Hide a moderate amount of it in a napkin. While at dinner, make loud hacking noises and cough into your napkin. Lay the napkin down on the table in full view. Comment on how much better you feel.
Fashion a large mole out of it. Change it's position slightly every day so that it migrates about your face.
Spread it on the walls of your recording studio to eliminate echoes.
The new fighting force: The Brown Berets!
Impeach the Peanut Butter. Oh, and fire Bill, too.
When sworn in, swear on a jar of peanut butter.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Peanut Butter.
Support Greenpeace with it.
Throw a tantrum. Lock yourself in a small, empty room, and throw peanut butter all over the place while you scream at the top of your lungs until you pass out. Psychiatrists call this Primal Urge therapy.
After you're done screaming, make yourself a nice cup of peanut butter tea to soothe your sore, hoarse throat.
If the cat has a habit of sleeping in a place you don't want him to, coat that place with PB for a few days. It won't change the cat's habits any, but at least it will show you that some things just cannot be done. This is an important part of learning to live with a cat.
Instead of paying a piano tuner, tune the piano yourself by adding peanut butter to the strings that are too high. This increases the mass of the string and lowers the note. Theoretically.
Use it to gain weight.
If you want to gain some SERIOUS weight, mix Pb with your PB!
Physics lab: Would a ton of peanut butter kill a man? Construct an experiment to find out.
Biology lab: Devise and carry out an experiment to determine the toxicity of peanut butter to the average human male. Continue your experiment until expiration.
Dr. Kevorkian's new tools....
Use-ify it.
Form the PB Press in direct competition to the Associated Press.
Publish an environmentally safe, entirely ingestible newspaper with PB for ink on large flour tortillas. (All the news that's fit to eat! --Andy)
List it in your bibliography to pad your paper.
Mention the aphrodesiac qualities of peanut butter in your term paper to see if your professor actually reads the papers all the way through.
Expand your mental bandwidth.
Measure it in degrees Kelvin.
Measure it in radians.
As long as we're measuring, how about hogsheads?
Convert the shape of a peanut butter glob to a fractal. Find the equation.
Plot Mandelbrot sets on the library floor using smooth, chunky, extra crunchy and grape jelly for the colors.
Determine the specific gravity of peanut butter.
Weave it underwater.
Put it in those little potpourri burners to give your dorm room a homey atmosphere.
Determine the flash point of peanut butter.
Measure it's conductance, resistance, and capacity.
Mix it with lead and acid to see if you can make a battery.
Using the same size jar of peanut butter, have contests with your friends to see who can make the longest continuous strip of it.
Make imitation worms on the sidewalk.
Make imitation dog doo. Leave it in well trafficked areas.
If you make a fishbowl of gummifish Jell-O, throw in a glob of PB to play the part of our despicable pollution of our lakes and streams.
Counterfeit it.
Put a little on a horse's bit so that you can get it in his mouth. (this actually works, by the way.)
Makes Mr. Ed talk.
Deck the halls with Peanut Butter, tra la la la la, yadda yadda yadda yadda...
When your wife has a baby, take a whole jar of it and dump it on your pristine, white, deep pile rug. Grind it in. It will spare you much agony later.
While you're at it, wallpaper the kitchen with it. This is how it's going to look in a few months, anyway.
Did I mention melting it onto the seats of your brand new leased automobile?
Use peanut butter as an analogy for life.
In the long remembered words of my late grandfather: "No, I wouldn't starve in my own kitchen... I'd make myself a peanut butter sandwich."
Grandpa's other favorite: Peanut butter on toasted donuts.
They have jelly filled donuts. Why not peanut butter filled donuts?
Use it to drop the hint to customers that you're closed and want to go home for the night.
Hire it if you run short on help.
Two days later, fire it for failure to show up for work twice in succession.
Throw your back out lifting it.
Get a tatoo on one shoulder that says "Skippy" and on the other shoulder one that says "Peter Pan". Tatoo "Jiffy" on your chest and "Smucker's" on your back. Call yourself "P. B. Rebel".
Try to walk a tight rope while holding a jar of peanut butter between your knees.
Instead of a net below you, have a huge vat of peanut butter!
Order it at Milliway's. Put it in a doggy bag for Marvin.
See how fast you can consume a jar of peanut butter by sucking it through a straw. Do this each day. With training, you can get pretty good. Go to narrower and narrower straws each year. By the time you're middle-aged, be using a coffee stir.
Put some in your ears before listening to Vogon poetry.
"TBSP = Tablespoons"
"And I was SURE you meant Tons of Butter from Salted Peanuts ;-)"

"Wouldn't that kill a man?"
If one of the puppeteers puts the rubber bands for the rods around his puppet's arms too tight, squeezing the circulation out of the wrist, soothe the wound with peanut butter. Or punish the puppeteer with peanut butter. Either way.
Elementary teachers, put a little glob of peanut butter on each A paper as a reward.
Use it to stick candies to the ceiling of an elementary school classroom. (Sneak in at night and do this. If you can, plant a hidden camera, as well.) Edible vandalism!
Keep some peanut butter in the chalk tray beneath the blackboard, to prevent chalk dust from falling or blowing off and spreading around the room.
Use a hypoderming needle to inject it into halloween candies before passing them out. See if you start a new halloween safety scare.
Run it through a tortilla press, just for fun!
Create an electrical peanut butter dispenser. Put it in the lobby of a theatre. Hook it up to The Clapper. Instruct the concession stand crew to keep an eye on the new PB dispenser and make sure it works okay. Hide a camera nearby and watch their reactions.
Replace the water in the drinking fountain with peanut butter. Hand out free popcorn, heavily salted.
If you can't do that, just turn the water fountain off, and go ahead and put the peanut butter right on the popcorn you're handing out.
Have a contest to see who can consume the most peanut butter in four hours without pulking or going to the bathroom. Award a $100 prize for the winner, taken from the proceeds you make selling drinks. See if you can get the peanut butter donated as a form of advertising.
Mix it with one of the two tubes that comes in a package of epoxy glue. Mix the other half into the jelly. Forge a note from your mom to your younger sibling suggesting peanut butter and jelly for lunch.
Store unstable elements such as Cesium in peanut butter to prevent them from reacting chemically with the atmosphere.
Put a banner on your web site that advertises peanut butter. Put a link beneath it that says "Web masters, make $$$ on your site with advertising, just like I'm doing." Make the link point to a page that promises large amounts of revenue for having the banner on their site, too. At the bottom, put "Page Updated, 4/1, by Poila Rofl."
When nobody else wants to be your best friend, peanut butter will.

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