PB2K: Uses 1501-1600

Uses 1501-1600

If your upstairs neighbor is in the habit of pacing while bouncing a basketball, secretly fill his ball with PB to take some of the bounce out. (Sorry, Brian, you were driving me nuts. --A)
Take up a section of the floor. Lower in a 50 gallon trash can filled with PB. Toss an innocent looking throw rug over it.
Create new insults that include peanut butter in them. Try them out on Usenet. Dub it "The PB Flame Wars."
Tired of inches and centimeters? Create a whole new measurement system based on the contents of a single peanut butter jar. (For example, I weigh 230 jars, and I'm 12.8 Skippies tall.)
Refill whipped cream cans with PB, and repressurize them. Surely you can think of some good things to do with that.
Mix PB with grass seed and topsoil. Put a thick coat of it on your car, and keep it moist. When the grass starts to grow, take it out for a drive. When stopped for interviews, claim that you have the greenest car in town.
At a ticker tape parade, throw peanut butter-- or better yet, spray a fine mist of it. The combination of confetti and PB will make a phenomenal mess that will take weeks to clean up.
While the cleanup continues, hire yourself out as a "Peanut Butter Buster." Show up for work, but instead of cleaning up, turn loose a torrent of grape jelly, flooding the city. Then, as your maniacal laughter echoes among the walls of the skyscrapers, top the whole thing off with another layer of peanut butter and a giant slice of bread.
Peanut butter on apples is nothing. Now, putting the Big Peanut Butter on the Big Apple, now there's something!
Teach your Furby to ask for peanut butter.
Hypnotize your Cabbage Patch dolls and convince them that they are peanut butter.
When your Furby asks for peanut butter, feed it the Cabbage Patch dolls.
PB Underoos!
Keep dentures in place.
Bathe in it. Use jelly as soap.
Fill your neighbor's trombone with it, from mouthpiece to bell. You should have peace and quiet for weeks.
Habảero & Jalapẻo PB party mix!
PB will remove airplane glue or cement glue from furniture. Honest.
While we're at it, did you know that George Washington Carver developed axle grease from peanuts?
Kill unwanted weeds by covering them over with peanut butter.
Go on the Home Shopping channel and sell "Genuine Pho Peanut Butter".
Peanut Butter oil lamps.
"Happy peanut butter to you, happy peanut butter to you..."
Use it on your mirror to block out the more depressing parts of your anatomy.
Stick it atop your CB antenna.
Stabilize your nitroglycerine by adding peanut butter.
Make paper sailboats. Waterproof them with PB, and sail them downstream.
Try to sink the little boats as they go by by hurling peanut butter at them with a spoon.
"Master, what is the meaning of life?"
"The meaning of life is peanut butter."
"But, that's not the meaning of life!"
"What do you mean, it's not???"
Defend yourself during the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.
Send Monty Python out to search for it.
Give it to the knights who say, "Neet!"
Perhaps you could disguise it as a shrubbery?
Take the word "peanut butter." Turn it into a meaningful acronym.
Windows wallpaper.
Redesign your "Recycle Bin" to look like a jar of peanut butter.
Have it be your AOL screen name.
Tell your dear nephew wormwood to try to get his man to concentrate too much on peanut butter, and to convince him that peanut butter is the real driving force behind the virtues. It isn't, of course, but he may easily be made to believe it is, provided you never let the thought occur to him that it might not be.
If you find an alien parasite with acid for blood, immediately submerse it in peanut butter, then set the peanut butter on fire. Then leave the planet and peanut butter the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
Peanut butter is futile. Lower your Jiffy and surrender your Skippy. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own...
Take an old lamp cord and wire it up to opposite sides of a jar of extra creamy peanut butter. Plug it in and see what happens. Wear protective goggles.
Cover your hands with a protective layer of peanut butter before trying to stop that chainsaw blade by hand.
Keep two shakers on your table; one for salt, and one for peanut butter. Pass them together. See how many guests you have to invite over before one says something about it.
Put some under your eyelids and see if it alters your vision.
Coat your stomach walls with it to prevent ulcers.
Have some implanted in your lips to make them more "poofy". Travel to California.
Grease caltrops with it so they'll be sure to slide into enemy feet quickly and easily.
Tell annoying jokes about it that aren't funny:
A man had been having trouble urinating, and had been seeing his urologist. Then he was in an accident and broke his jaw, and had to have his mouth wired shut. Two days after this procedure, he returned to the urologist for his regularly scheduled appointment.

"How are things going for you?", the doctor asked.

"Peanut butter".

"What?"

"Peanut butter."

"What?"

"Peanut butter."

Unable to make sense out of this, the doctor finally fetched a notepad and asked the man to explain in more detail in writing.

"Pee not better."
Church youthgroup event: sing your favorite praise songs with a mouth full of PB.
Similar to the "chubby bunny" game, but use PB!
Famous lines from the large and small screen:
These are the voyages of the starship Peanut Butter....
That's no moon... its Peanut Butter.
There is no 'try'... only Peanut Butter
Spaaaaaaaaaace Peaaaanut Buuuuterrrrr
I Peanut Butter in your general direction!
Set a glob of it on a sleeping person's abdomen, then send the dog to wake 'em up.
When decorating easter eggs, smear peanut butter on the eggs to form designs before soaking them in the dye, then remove the peanut butter afterward to reveal the designs.
New variation on the card game "spoons". Instead of drinking a cup of liquid for each penalty, you must eat two tablespoons of peanut butter. Instead of getting to use the restroom for winning a hand, you get a small glass of water.
Scan it.
Coat it on the floor around your Christmas tree to catch the pine needles that would otherwise get stuck in the rug.
See if it takes out pet stains.
Premium kitty litter!
Fill in the expansion joints on bridges and highways so that they don't make that annoying thump when you drive over them.
Bribe an officer by slipping him a little peanut butter with your license.
Tell the California Raisins that "you heard it through the grapevine" that the Peanut Butter Monster was coming.
In winter, put a layer of peanut butter on the windowsill before you close the window to ensure a good, tight seal.
In summer, put PB between the fan and the window frame for better airflow.
In fall, clog up your gutters with peanut butter to save the leaves the trouble.
In spring, start your seeds growing in a cup of peanut butter so they'll have a better chance when you transplant them to the front lawn.
Bribe a senior with it when he finally does break into your MIT dorm room.
If the LEDs on your computer keep you awake at night, cover them over with a little dab of PB to get a good night's rest.
Dip globs uf it into almond bark for a tasty treat.
Prop your eyes open with it to stay awake during finals week.
Give your professor, Skip Forbes, a jar of Skippy on the last day of exams before you graduate. Thell him the chunky variety represents the kidney stones. (Sara actually did this...)
If your headlight burns out, cover the other one with peanut butter so they match.
When you see a pediddle, punch the ceiling; your partner now owes you a jar of peanut butter!
Cover over light sensors so they always think it's dark.
Cover your dashboard and arm rests with it. Now your soada sats firmly in place instead of spilling!
Remove the fenders from your car. Fashion new ones out of peanut butter. That way, if you ever have a fender bender, you can just smooth it over, good as new, with a table knife.
"TBSP = Tablespoons"
"And I was SURE you meant Tons of Butter from Salted Peanuts ;-)"

"Wouldn't that kill a man?"
If one of the puppeteers puts the rubber bands for the rods around his puppet's arms too tight, squeezing the circulation out of the wrist, soothe the wound with peanut butter. Or punish the puppeteer with peanut butter. Either way.
Elementary teachers, put a little glob of peanut butter on each A paper as a reward.
Use it to stick candies to the ceiling of an elementary school classroom. (Sneak in at night and do this. If you can, plant a hidden camera, as well.) Edible vandalism!
Keep some peanut butter in the chalk tray beneath the blackboard, to prevent chalk dust from falling or blowing off and spreading around the room.
Use a hypoderming needle to inject it into halloween candies before passing them out. See if you start a new halloween safety scare.
Run it through a tortilla press, just for fun!
Create an electrical peanut butter dispenser. Put it in the lobby of a theatre. Hook it up to The Clapper. Instruct the concession stand crew to keep an eye on the new PB dispenser and make sure it works okay. Hide a camera nearby and watch their reactions.
Replace the water in the drinking fountain with peanut butter. Hand out free popcorn, heavily salted.
If you can't do that, just turn the water fountain off, and go ahead and put the peanut butter right on the popcorn you're handing out.
Have a contest to see who can consume the most peanut butter in four hours without pulking or going to the bathroom. Award a $100 prize for the winner, taken from the proceeds you make selling drinks. See if you can get the peanut butter donated as a form of advertising.
Mix it with one of the two tubes that comes in a package of epoxy glue. Mix the other half into the jelly. Forge a note from your mom to your younger sibling suggesting peanut butter and jelly for lunch.
Store unstable elements such as Cesium in peanut butter to prevent them from reacting chemically with the atmosphere.
Put a banner on your web site that advertises peanut butter. Put a link beneath it that says "Web masters, make $$$ on your site with advertising, just like I'm doing." Make the link point to a page that promises large amounts of revenue for having the banner on their site, too. At the bottom, put "Page Updated, 4/1, by Poila Rofl."
When nobody else wants to be your best friend, peanut butter will.
Think of peanut butter whenever you need a happy thought so you can fly.
Spread it on fresh corn tortillas.
Paint the couch.
If you've just gotten your ears pierced, put a dab of it on each hole to prevent infection.
Covers up tattoos you don't want people to see...
Hang a jar of it around your neck. Go about, muttering something about an albatross.

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