PB2K: Uses 1401-1500

Uses 1401-1500

Spread it on your homework. Claim the dog was going to eat it.
Ask your insurance agent if your house is insured against peanut butter.
Spread it on the wall and stick things to it if you're not allowed to have a bulletin board.
Put sonar transponders in PB jars and throw them into the sea to track ocean currents.
Let dolphins play with it.
Raise the Titanic: sink hundreds of jars of peanut butter into the sea. Eat out the peanut butter, creating a vacuum. Since a vacuum is lighter than water, you can attach the PB jars to the hulk, and raise it to the surface!
Slap a jar of PB instead of taking it out on your spouse.
Write poetry about it.
Build a dam around your mashed potatoes with it so that the gravy doesn't get out.
Use it on your model train layout to simulate mudslides and washed-out arroyos.
Use it to make your muffler louder.
Smear it on curbs and handrails to make skateboard grinds and slides easier.
If you have a cat o' nine tails, rub it into the leather to keep it supple.
Proudly display your Scofield J.I.F. brown letter edition reference Bible as evidence of your spiritual authority.
Should you encounter a person who does the last item, baptize him in peanut butter.
Clog your veins.
Clog your arteries
Eat it nonstop until your gastro-intestinal tract is packed with it from stem to stern.
If your neural pathways loose their natural fatty coating, replace it with peanut butter!
Who need contact lenses?
Coat your lawn with it. Mow the lawn, singing the theme music from "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids", interspersed with maniacal laughter.
Enlarge a jar of peanut butter to 100 times its usual size. Rent it out to thrill-seekers.
Shrink yourself to a quarter inch high. Spend a few hours in a regular-size jar of peanut butter, digging tunnels and having fun with your quarter-inch friends.
Blow up a balloon. Coat the outside with peanut butter. Put it in a sealed room with a vacuum pump and see if you can make it explode. Videotape it.
Videotape "A day in the life of a jar of peanut butter" (2 and a half hours). See if you can convince anyone that it's an artistic movie. Tell them it pushes our boundaries and makes us think about things from a different perspective. Insist that it's really a tragic movie, because in the end the peanut butter is left to the same fate that we knew all along was inevitable. Say you cried when you filmed the final scene.
Make T-shirts and hats and kids' meal toys and tv adds about the above movie. Hype it as much as possible. See if you can make it turn a profit. If it works, announce that your next movie will be "My Mother, the Car, the Movie".
Put a glop of it in an unused room without much light, preferably warm. Rig up a camera to take a photo every 24 hours. Change the film whenever it runs out. When nothing is left of the peanut butter, scan in the photos and make an MPEG of it. Offer it on the internet for download.
Make an animated GIF of the above and put it on your web page to slow down load time.
Wash dishes in peanut butter and jelly instead of water and detergent. Dry them off with bread.
Take an extra-large jar on picnics with you. Use the jar as a stool to sit on.
Write love poems to it. Leave them laying around for your spouse to see. When confronted, claim you've never seen them before in your life.
Take some regular peanut butter and stir in a fair amount of extra salt. Arrange with a local supermarket to hand out free samples of a "new brand" of peanut butter on a particular day. When the day arrives, take the PB with you, a bunch of little wooden sample "spoons" to serve it on, and a few cases of dinky milk cartons. Hand out the peanut butter, and sell the milk. If anyone confronts you about selling the milk, claim you're sure you cleared it in advance. Say the store manager "Eustace" told you over the phone that it would be okay. Insist you really spoke on the phone to someone named Eustace who said he was the store's manager. Take several minutes to be convinced that he wasn't genuine, and then insist you "knew all along" that his voice was "shifty" and he couldn't be trusted. Start swearing and get angry. Threaten to pull your new line of peanut butter from the store. Watch their reaction. If you can catch it all on hidden video cam, so much the better.
Convince Kraft to make peanut butter flavored Kool-Aid.
Convince Wylers or Flavor-Aid to combat the above with "jelly" flavor.
When arranging vacation, ask the travel agent about the peanut butter where you're going. If they ask why it matters, say you had a bad experience once that you'd rather not repeat or even talk about.
The height of fashion -- a hat with a peanut butter arrangement on top.
Install a walk-in peanut butter cupboard right next to the walk in refrigerator and walk-in freezer.
Toss your peanut butter instead of tossing your cookies.
I can't believe we haven't already mentioned peanut-butter hard candy!
Make peanut-butter fireballs.
Peanut butter is the best flavor of salt water taffy.
Write a series of short stories with an insane protagonist who really believes he's a jar of peanut butter.
Write a novel in such a way that it's impossible to determine whether the main character is a sincere old Baptist minister, an elementary-school-age girl with the measles, or a sentient jar of peanut butter, but those are the only possibilities. Apply for a creative prose award.
Set up your email filters so that any mail without "peanut butter" in the subject line is automatically deleted. Complain you don't get enough email.
Run it through your scanner and post images of it to "binaries" groups on usenet.
Spread it on apple pie.
Go to halloween parties dressed in nothing but peanut butter and any dishcloths you can get to stick to it, clean or dirty. Make people guess what you're supposed to be. Refuse to tell until they guess. No matter what they guess, say "no, that's not it." When they ask you about it days later, claim you don't remember because you were drunk at the time. Insist you don't want to talk about it.
Do it again the next year.
Anytime you say something stupid and somebody asks, "What are you smoking?", promptly reply, "Peanut butter!"
Give yourself a very large amount of peanut butter enema. Chunky works best, and for extra effect stir some chocolate sauce into it first. Pump as much as you can up your backside and hold it in. Travel to Turkey, and in the airport ask "What, legally, constitutes a bomb that I wouldn't be allowed to bring through here?" Keep asking what you would be allowed to bring through in the way of explosive stuff. See if you can get them to do a stripsearch. If you can, just when they get ready to search your backside, let loose the PB enema with all your might. If you really have nerve, you'll then start eating it.
Stick a jar of peanut butter in your electric clothes dryer. Close the door. Set it for 70 minutes. Listen to the thumping. When it quits, take out the jar, open it, and put it back in. Set it for another 70 minutes.
Use it to give yourself "Spock" ears.
Determine whether your peanut butter is male or female: knee it in the groin. See if it groans.
Run it through the Phalloblaster. (Apologies to Dave Barry.)
Eat it on rice or oatmeal with raisins and cinnamon.
It's nice on a tortilla with a little bit of sugar...
How about in your corn mush
Use as a squirrel repellent. They try to get into things, and get all messy. They usually don't return.
Get PB editor! The newest text editor available, it runs on many operating systems including DOS, Mac, and Unix, and it features global search and replace and optional automatic removal of all HTML tags!
Write up a bunch of uses for peanut butter. Encrypt them with ROT13 and send them in to annoy the keeper of the list.
Start the Peanut Butter FAQ. See if you can get rtfm.mit.edu to post it on usenet monthly.
"Peanut Butter meets the Daemons" (a killfile.org thing)
Use peanut butter as a new alias for Grubor. See if it lands in the Global Killfile.
If it does, sue Tim Skirvin for discrimination of food.
Serve it for supper, with a side of baked potato.
Preserve veal in it.
Oh, peanut butter, oh peanut butter
How lovely are thy branches
...
At summer camp, rig the door with ropes and a mini-catapult so that whoever opens the door gets peanut butter in the face.
Use it to time your counting so that each number takes about a second. "One, peanut butter, Two, peanut butter, Three, peanut butter, ..."
It's the real secret to catching wild animals: if you can smear a little peanut butter on their backsides, you'll be able to catch them.
Paint up a jumbo-sized can of peanut butter to look like one of those firebombs in the movie "Outbreak". Drop it with a small parachute over a city that's just had that movie air on tv.
See how many times you can bounce your pogo stick on top of a jar of peanut butter without falling off.
Open a fresh jumbo-sized jar of peanut butter. Put it in the dishwasher with the other dishes. See if it leaves spots. Compare different brands and styles.
Use a dollar's worth of peanut butter to stick 199 pennies together for that "under $3" white elephant gift exchange.
Have glaucoma? Inject just a little peanut butter into the eye to "help clear it up". Go see the eye specialist and ask his opinion on your home remedy. Refuse to tell him what you did, exactly, but insist that it's a "well-documented natural cure" and that you're sure it'll work, given enough time.
Coat your leaf rake with it so the leaves will stick to it instead of slipping through.
Burn peanut butter candles and dance wildly around the toboggan so we'll have a good, lustrous winter.
Coat the toboggan in peanut butter and slide down the grassy hill if it doesn't work.
Using a hypodermic needle, carefully inject peanut butter into a piece of fruit (such as an apple or banana) so that it'll be peanut-buttery inside when you open it.
Wreak havoc on enemy countries by giving them free peanut butter and refusing to sell them anything to drink until they capitulate to your demands.
Peanut Butter lollipop.
Flypaper.
Use peanut butter to calm your friends after you start a discussion that not everyone can agree on. Hey, we all agree on peanut butter, right?
Whenever you add garbage to the dumpster, cover it over with a layer of peanut butter to keep down the smell.
Grease your elbows with it to keep them from drying out when the humidity is low in the winter.
Get Gallaugher to run it through the Sledge-O-Matic. See whether it travels further if you turn the jar upright or sideways. See if it travels further if you dump it out of the jar before hitting it. Be creative. Put a little jelly on top of the pile for extra mess.
Go to the barber shop. See if you can talk the barber out of some nice thick hair off the floor. Stick it to your back with peanut butter. Go around without a shirt on so people can see your hairy back.
Use it instead of goose down for your new feather tick.
Replace the fill in your winter coat with it. If you get caught in a snowstorm, you can keep your warmth and energy up by eating it while you wait to be rescued.
We've all seen marshmallows distributed at Christmastime as "Snowman Poop." Well, this year Santa went to the reindeer stalls to fill your stocking...
In Trinidad and Tobago, they know how to get down-- Peanut punch and Ginger beer! (Click here for the recipe.)
Use it instead of gravel in your fishtanks.
Blow bubbles in it.
Throw a few jars on the fire when it starts to cool down.
Pop popcorn in it instead of using oil.
Burn it. Cut it into small cubes. Package it as Peanut Caramels.
Stick yourself to the wall with it on your late-night TV show.
Once we get two or three thousand uses, forward the entire list to Chris White at Top 5 (www.topfive.com) and see if he can pick just 5.
Coat your urethra with PB when passing a kidney stone.
Write professional articles about it. See if the New England Journal of Medicine will publish them.
Hack the Associated Press wire system. Slip in articles about peanut butter.

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