PB2K: Uses 1001-1100

Uses 1001-1100

Instead of "Put a sock in it!", "Put some Peanut Butter in it!"
Repairs scratched CD-ROMs.
Lose the wristband off your watch? Stick it to your wrist with PB!
Keep contacts firmly in place.
For those cold, lonely nights, snuggle up to a jar of PB.
Use it to get stains off that little blue cocktail dress.
Cigar lubricant.
Mix with Altoids...
Comb it in for that "Big Hair" look.
When you land that new job at Revlon, suggest peanut butter as a new ingredient instead of rendered animal fat.
Comb it into your cat's fur to help control the fleas.
Balance a 10 lb. jar on top of a door, to knock out unexpected visitors.
Smear it on the inside of your door jambs, as a weather seal.
Summer camp practical joke: smear it inside everyone's clean underwear. This is most effective if done the first day of a three week camp.
PB Breast implants.
Inject it under the skin instead of cortizone to remove wrinkles.
Coat your ironing board with it to remove wrinkles.
Silence the annoying hum of your aquarium air pump.
Biodegradable shaving cream, with a clean, peanutty aroma!
Squeaky wheel gets the peanut butter.
Add weight to your Pinewood Derby car.
Pump-in attic insulation.
Prevents foam rot on your favorite pair of speakers.
Jack and Jill Went up the Hill to get a Jar of Peanut Butter...
Mix it with henna to make a more durable body paint.
Coat the inside of your wheelwells to keep winter road salt form corroding your car.
If you can't afford Ziebart, pump your car doors full of peanut butter, instead.
Hulk Hogan vs the Peanut Butter Man, no holds barred!
Add more curve to your curve ball with a light coat of peanut butter to one side of the ball.
Cruel and unusual punishment: Peanut buttered and feathered.
Use it to get pine sap off of your circular saw.
Use the lids for cookie cutters.
If your wife is into stencilling, let her do the border around the ceiling in peanut butter... it's much easier to get off later, and you don't have to repaint the room if she makes a mistake.
Put a glop of it in your bread machine so that you don't have to put it on your bread later.
Sealcoat your driveway.
Secretly replace a carpenter's wood glue with peanut butter. Commission a piece.
If asked for fecal matter, send peanut butter instead.
Mix it with dry cement, and leave it out for the rats.
Turn off the drinking fountains. Serve 1,000 kids peanut butter sandwiches. Chug down the last drop of milk in front of them. Practice your maniacal laughter.
Visual PB++, the ultimate cross-platform programming language!
Cover your iMac with it after the translucent blue loses it's novelty value.
Smear it on tablets. Practice your cuneiforms.
Smear it on tablets. Write commandments 11-20.
Bury a cheap travel alarm in a jar of peanut butter. Send it to the principal.
Fill your locker with peanut butter. Get the custodian to open it for you.
Pump a friend's room full of liquefied peanut butter. Be sure to have a video camera ready for when he discovers it.
Legally change your name to Peanut Butter. Call the electric company and try to get service in your name.
Sell peanut butter door-to-door.
When you run out of cleaning fluid, use peanut butter on your tape head cleaner.
Use it instead of an air bag when performing death-defying stunts.
Two words: Food fight.
Make chess pieces out of it. Garrote anyone who tells you not to play with your food.
Fill your shock absorbers with it for a more stable ride.
Fill your bike tires with it for puncture protection.
"Well, the peanut butter level is falling, so it looks like it's going to storm..."
Attach a jar to the lightning rod on your house. Take bets on the probable results.
During a meteor shower, find a field full of stargazers and start catapulting peanut butter onto them from afar.
Shape a horn out of it and mount it on your dog's forehead so you have a House Unicorn.
Shape wings out of it and wear them so you can fly -- but don't fly too close to the sun or it'll melt them.
When tight-fitting clothes come back into style, and everybody's wearing pants so tight it looks as if they were painted on, you *can* paint yours on, if they're made of peanut butter!
Give some to Calvin and Hobbes and see what they do with it... ("Those child psychology books we bought were such a waste of money." -- Calvin's Mom)
Simple Simon went to catch a Wheeitologist,
He thought it'd work real nice,
Because he had a little PB,
To put into his eyes.
Make _New and Improved_ noises with your armpits -- use chunky.
Be the next Reinhold Neibuhr:
Man must be measured within the tension of two worlds. Since man is a part of nature as a physical creature and part of Peanut as a free spirit, he cannot consider himself explained accurately until these two double environments are first recognised and related. Man is too high to be identified with this world and too low to be identified with Peanut. His total environment, therefore, includes both Butter and Peanut. If not for this tension the dialectic would be fractured.
Be the next Soren Kirkegaard:
Peanut Butter is subjective. Peanut Butter lies not in _what_ you believe, but in _how you live_. Peanut Butter is passionate commitment. But if PB is not objective, then there are no external principles or criteria that are objectively valid...
Become a proponent of Peanut Butter suffrage.
Run away down the Missippi River with your best friend Skippy so they don't catch him and keep him a slave. Along the way stop at every town and con the residents out of as much money as possible.
Put surplus military processor chips into the peanut butter so it will do what it does in the commercials. Call the leader Chip Jiffy.
Write the publishers of your dictionary and complain adamantly that they don't include nearly enough references to peanut butter. Threaten to sue for discrimination of food.
Hey, Waiter! My Pop Rock Peanut Butter Sandwich doesn't have enough lettuce!
"If I ordered a Peanut Butter sandwich with no Crunchy, that wouldn't be a problem."
"But would we get to hear you sing?"
"What's a Peanut Butter goon?"
"It's like Peanut Butter, but a grotesque, evil, demented monster."

"Oh, is *that* what all those ugly things you made on your plate are?"

(Apologies to Bill Watterson)
Put together a Field Guide to Rare Forms of North American Peanut Butter.
Hang it on the Christmas tree as an ornament..
Spread it on the Christmas tree skirt to catch the needles that fall.
Better, spread it on your Christmas tree to keep the needles from drying out in the first place.
Put a jar of it in the package with your Dad's Christmas tie to disguise the weight.
Use it to muffle the sleigh bells.
Pack your dad's face in it just in case he falls off a ladder, to cushion the blow.
Place it under the feet of extensions ladders to keep them from slipping.
Use half-full jars as cheap bowling-pin substitutes.
Care to guess what the bowling ball is made of?
Create a Peanut Butter texture for Persistence of Vision; render a bumpy surface of it under an area light.
Stuff expectant mothers' mouths with it to take their minds off the pain of labor and muffle their screams at the same time.
Walk along at the tail end of a parade tossing Peanut Butter to the watching youngsters.
Get ANSI to write up a Peanut Butter Standards Document.
Have a "Peanut Butter Web Site" contest
Join the official Peanut Butter Web Ring.
Peanut Butter Ate My ....
Give peanut butter to a needy family for Christmas.
Give peanut butter up for lent.
Hide peanut butter at Easter time and have the children find it.
Drop it on Iraq to get Saddam to surrender.
Bury nuclear waste in it.
Commemorative Impeachment Jars hand signed by Kenneth Starr.
Keep it in your purse to fend off would-be assailants.
Mix it with anthrax; mail it to abortion clinics.
Mix with Russian caviar; claim it's a new summit in US/USSR peace accords.
Use it as ballast for your hot air balloon.
Use it as ballast for your hot air politician.

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