PB2K: Uses 901-1000

Uses 901-1000

See if it will get you banned from America Online.
Make mustaches and beards on paintings and photographs. (If it's worth more than 1.2 million, though, make sure it's a painting under glass.)
Use it to stick Frisbees together for better distance.
"Fetch, Rusty, fetch!"
Coat your torpedoes with it so that enemy subs will think you're just dumping your garbage.
Bubble Gum Alley has been done already. Start Peanut Butter Alley.
Fill your attic with it for insulation and dust control.
Makes a nice wrist pad...
Use it in your presidential campaign to give yourself a more wholesome image.
Run it through a tree shredder...
...a manure spreader...
...how about a needle threader?
Use it as a pin cushion. Strawberry optional.
Store your tools in it so they won't rust.
Pad your bra with it. (Note: Don't try this if you're a guy.)
Comb it through your hair to cover up the fact that the roots are growing in black again and you don't have time to re-bleach it.
Immerse your phone in peanut butter so you can't hear it ringing.
Fax it.
Photocopy it.
File it under "Miscellaneous."
Shred it.
Send it to the medical lab as a stool sample.
Stuff a toilet paper tube with it and use it as a silencer for your water pistol.
Wallow in it. Hey, it works for pigs...
Use it liberally as a "modesty covering&quo; when reading Playboy so you can read the articles without distraction.
Throw it at your students when they fall asleep in class.
Use jingles from peanut butter ads as the music when you put someone on hold.
Feed it to a filibustering congressman.
In SimCity 2000, typing "peanutbutter" will raise your approval rating by 50% and get rid of all pollution.
"In actual driving tests, Peanut Butter 2000 outperformed Slick 50 and all leading motor oils in preventing engine wear..."
Burn it at the stake.
Put it in tiny jars and market it as peanut butter for Barbie.
Put some under that one short leg to keep the kitchen table level.
Secretly fill your opponent's water bottles with peanut butter so that he'll drop from dehydration before he beats you.
"Mud pies never tasted so good before! What's your secret ingredient?"
Replace the freon in your air conditioner with something more friendly to the environment.
Use it as a code word for that geeky guy that keeps trying to ask you out.
Coat your locker with it so it's easy to find between classes.
Use it to keep the dust jacket on the book.
Put on your Doc Martens. Put some peanut butter out for the roaches. Be sadistic.
Customize your Harley with it.
Bury nuclear wastes in it. Skip the country.
Use it to preserve venison.
Take the voice chip out of a Talking Barbie and put it in a jar of peanut butter at the supermarket. Be sure to have a hidden camera.
Coat your hunting arrows with it for truer, faster flight.
Throw it overboard to keep from sinking.
If you sink anyway, use it to keep you afloat.
Floss with it.
Claim you found some peanut butter in your can of Coke. Sue vehemently.
Claim Microsoft's monopoly is stifling competition in the peanut butter market. Start vehement class-action suit.
Create bean-based imitation peanut butter. Call it Beanut Putter.
Wad up into tiny ovals. Collect empty peanut shells from floor of local Lonestar. Insert wads of peanut butter into shells. Sell as recycled peanuts.
Sneak out at night and fill up holes of local golf course.
Freeze it. Give to the kids on hot summer afternoons.
Inject into bloodstream in small doses. Build up immunity, just in case.
Drown all the world's telemarketers and bulk emailers in it.
At your wedding, exchange peanut butter instead of rings.
Ride an elevator all day, repeating "A La Peanut Butter Sandwiches..." incessantly at the top of your lungs and making huge, flamboyant gestures with your arms. Refuse to acknowledge the existence of anyone else on the elevator.
Use it to sink toy ships in the bathtub.
Spread it on your homework so your dog really will eat it.
Waterproof all your books with it for convenient bathtub reading.
Spread it on your floppy disks for "virus protection."
Send it bungee jumping.
Insist that your jar of peanut butter has to accompany you on the roller coaster even though it's too short because it's your "seeing eye" peanut butter. See how long it takes you to get thrown out of the park.
At Cedar Point, sell peanut butter sandwiches on the midway. See if they kick you out of the park for unauthorized soliciting. If not, try to make a living at it.
If a conversation is getting too long or boring, just start talking about peanut butter.
Say "peanut butter"at the end of every sentence, regardless of context, for an entire day. Peanut butter. See whether you can get other people doing it, too. Peanut butter.
Wear just a little peanut butter in your nostrils during sporting events to block out the BO.
Start a Usenet group just about peanut butter.
Dip craisins in it.
Use it to make physical adjustments to your keyboard's typematic rate.
See how many acronyms you can make for "peanut butter."
Write bizarre song lyrics about it:
Peanut Butter has the upper hand...
The pig's tortoise loses again...
Butter and Peanut blended...
Frapped like a bucket of bolts...
Under the edge... Under the edge...
Sequestered in reaganium mines...
Under the edge... Under the edge...
Peanut Butter rocks the house.
Claim that these lyrics have deep significance.
Start a philosophy based on the epistemological assumption that peanut butter exists, and that anything which can be shown to be fundamentally similar to peanut butter then must exist; whereas anything fundamentally unlike peanut butter must not exist.
When telemarketers call, give your name as "Peanut Butter." Insist that this is your actual birth name.
Try to get a platinum card in the name of "Peanut Butter". Insist that "Peanut Butter" has an unblemished credit record.
If you get the card, go out and charge 100,000 jars of peanut butter to it.
Invent a new sport based on peanut butter. Be sure the rules are complicated and that violence is involved. Start professional teams in several major cities.
Give peanut butter to your friend (and his new spouse) as a wedding present.
Put it in a blender with beets, spinach, and rice. Convince someone it's a new kind of shake. See if he likes it.
It makes a great adhesive to repair that 24x cupholder on your computer.
Have the surgeon coat the inside of your urethra with PB to make passing kidney stones less painful.
Oh, Susanna,
Oh, don't you cry for me
For I come from Alabama with
Peanut Butter on my knee ...
Compose "Prelude & Fugue in PB Minor".
The wise man built his house on the rock
The wise man built his house on the rock
The wise man built his house on the rock
And the rains came tumbling down.
The foolish man built his house on peanut butter ...
Friends, Romans, countrymen... Lend me your peanut butter!
Use peanut butter to create the appropriate textured designs on your forehead so you can pass for a Cardassian.
Stub your toe on it.
Make peanut butter Jello. Nail it to a wall.
Peanut butter au gratin.
Take a couple of jars with you to a fast food restaurant. Take them into the bathroom with you. Make designs on the walls. Spend hours doing this. In fact, keep doing it until an employee comes to clean the bathroom.
New diet: Nothing to eat but peanut butter, and you have to sip it through a coffee stir. Meals are limited to 30 minutes each, and no more than three meals a day.
Sharpen knives with it.
Feed only the best peanut butter to your cattle, to improve the flavor of the beef.
"Would you like a Pop Rock Peanut Butter Sandwich to go with your carbonated milk, sir?"
Place a small glob of it on the windshield of a jet. Do experiments to determine how long the plane must fly at various speeds to cause the peanut butter to either spread out over the entire windshield or be worn off by the wind.
Use it to enhance the popularity of your web site!
Complain to Microsoft that Windows '98 won't recognize all your peripherals. Tell them that Linux has "no problem" with your SCSI PB, but Windows '98 won't recognise it. Tell them PB is a very cutting-edge peripheral.
PB Fiber Optic Co.
And so they sat around, playing cards and drinking soda pop on a sunny afternoon, when Nathan piped up and said, "Say! How about peanut butter flavored bubble gum?" Andy quietly looked up from his cards and suggested, "I think a good shrimp curry would be a better flavor." There was silence in the warm air, as everyone else looked on in horror, pondering these new developments and wondering what was to be.

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