FOREWORD

by Ruth E. Van Reken

I WISH I'D SEEN THIS BOOK WHEN I WAS THIRTEEN. That's the year I permanently returned "home"--to the U.S., that is--after having spent my life as a missionary kid (MK) in Nigeria.

Thirteen probably isn't anyone's best age, but for me it was particularly stressful. I finally figured out I must be the only person alive who hadn't heard of Elvis, never remembered that the price marked on a product didn't include something called tax, and thought my donated saddle shoes were the height of fashion. Everyone else could ice skate with ease while my wobbly ankles barely held me up on those thin blades for thirty seconds before a most inglorious fall on the cold ice. Why was I always so different?

Of course, there were wonderful moments too. A new chain with golden arches had just begun. Kind American friends gave us all sorts of treats. I gained thirty pounds in three months while enjoying every bite of newly discovered McDonald's hamburgers and fries (with a chocolate shake on the side, of course), real ice cream of countless flavors, unlimited Coke, and seconds or thirds on meat that could be chewed without pressure cooking it.

But the hardest part of that year was the growing sense that something must be wrong with me. Why was I always so "out-of- sync" with others? I felt sure no one else could have ever felt this awkward or ignorant or full before. It never occurred to me how different my past experiences had been from these, my fellow citizens and peers. And it probably never occurred to them either. All I knew, and likely all they knew, was that Ruth seemed a little "odd."

That's why I wish I could have read YKYMKW right about then.

There is a special joy that comes to all of us when we suddenly realize that in the secret place where we have always felt no one else could possibly understand us, we're wrong. Someone else does know--and if someone else knows what we feel, we're no longer alone.

That's the joy of reading this booklet. The recognition that almost catches us off guard when we realize someone has put words on a thought, feeling, or action we considered uniquely our own makes us want to laugh--or cry.

For example, I laughed when I read that you know you're an MK when you send Kool-Aid and peanut butter in a package. For years friends who visit our home at Christmas unwrap soap, candy bars, and even toothpaste as part of their "extra gifts." I've often wondered at their slightly befuddled looks as they strive to respond with appropriate appreciation and realized as I read this statement that maybe other people don't usually give such gifts! It's been so much part of my missionary sub-culture and lifestyle, it seems normal. As a child, I would have been disappointed not to get Cokes and candy bars from my siblings because I didn't have the money to buy them easily myself.

Reading this booklet, I felt amazement. So someone else had problems with the sorry word too! I'm not crazy after all. For years, although I could never understand it, I accepted my friends judgment that I didn't feel good if I didn't feel guilty because I say "sorry" for everything. It took me a long time to understand that saying sorry in the States implies an apology for something a person does rather than expressing sympathy as it does in all other languages I've learned and people in America thought I was taking the blame for a situation when all I wanted to do was say "sorry"--as in "sorry that it happened to you."

Reading this list also made me squirm. It hit some of those old "I'll never get it all right" buttons. Now I know wonder what my gracious hostesses in Australia a few years ago really think about me because I did manage to finish my generously loaded plates (#42 and #43). The last thing I wanted was for them to think I disliked their luscious food--even though it cost me several pounds in weight. In my struggle to finish the food, it never occurred to me maybe I wasn't supposed to!

And, as an MK, I read some of these statements reflecting thoughts I admit I've had and feel a bit rebuked--rebuked by the reflection that sometimes I've been willing to validate every culture but my own. In the effort to acknowledge and affirm the rich gifts of my past, it's easy to put others down and do to them what I'd rather they didn't do to me.

But it is this representation of the wide range of common MK experiences which makes YKYMKW such a fun--and useful--book. Andy and Deborah have collected these snippets from MKs all over the world. While the specific examples in each statement reflect the many cultural backgrounds in which MKs were raised, the feelings represented here transcend the specifics. All who read this--MKs or not--will gain a deeper understanding of the experiences and feelings many MKs and others who were cross- cultural sojourners as children have known.

Thanks to my friends on the MK Net and MK Issues who sent in so many fun, and useful, insights. And thanks, Andy and Deborah, for the service you have done us all in compiling this book. It's a great tool for helping MKs and adult MKs everywhere put better words on our life experience, and give us all a fun way to share it with others.

Ruth has her own page, and can be visited at http://members.aol.com/rdvanreken/