written by Laura Broadwell Healthy, Happy Kids
10 Secrets of Successful Parenting
First on the Guest Editor's agenda: a meeting with nationally renowned parenting pro Harold Koplewicz, M.D., founder and director of the New York University Child Study Center in New York City, and a father of three. Dr. Koplewicz shared his tips for raising healthy, happy kids. Here's his top 10 list:
1. Take "Time-ins"
Today's parents are busy people - working, carpooling, keeping up with housework and homework, and trying to serve dinner at a decent hour. No matter how busy it get, aim for at least 15 minutes of uninterrupted time with your children every day. Read, play, talk, or eat a meal together. Sorry, but if the TV is on or you're on your cell phone, it doesn't count.
2. Listen Up
It's easy to listen to kids who like to talk, but you need to draw out the quiet ones too. My oldest son is the shyest of my three. When he was younger, it was hard to find out what was going on with him. My wife and I would ask a question, and we'd get the silent treatment. Eventually, Joshua and I started jogging together. By our second lap he'd blurt out something about school. So if your child doesn't answer questions directly, try a more relaxed, backdoor approach.
3. Check Expectations at the Door
Thanks to media images and other influences, kids today seem to grow up quickly. But kids are still kids. Parents need to read up on child development to be realistic about what to expect of every age. Don't push or expect your child to do things that are too challenging. Example: a 3 year old who likes to look at books doesn't need to know how to read them yet. Your 5 year old won't appreciate or behave at a fancy restaurant. Take her to a family-style diner instead.
4. Let Kids Make Mistakes
Children learn - and grow - from their mistakes. So it's okay to let your child make a gaffe if it's not going to cause harm. Case in point: Joshua always wanted to wear a silly hat to nursery school, even though my wife and I thought the other kids would tease him. One day another kid knocked his hat off his head, and the next day Joshua said, "I'm not wearing a hat anymore." Lesson learned.
5. Own up to Your Goofs
In a perfect world, parents would never make mistake. Yet, we all do. You tell your child she can have a Sunday morning playdate, forgetting that Grandma is coming over. Or you lose your temper and immediately feel badly. The best fix is to admit you were wrong and apologize. When you do, you give your child permission to make your own mistakes- and 'fess up to them too.
6. Say No
It's the hardest word for a parent to say and for a child to hear. But setting limits and teaching your child that he can't always get what he wants when he wants it prepares him for life at school and with friends. Don't worry that setting boundaries will make your kids think your love them less; knowing that their parents are in charge makes kids feel safe and protected, synonyms for love in a young child's life.
7. Talk the Talk
Children don't learn your values through osmosis. Tell them what you believe in - going to synagogue or church, being kind, staying of drugs - and why. Sometimes humor helps: I've told my sons that I don't lie because I have a bad memory and couldn't remember my lies. Start sharing values when kids are younger and still open to your message. By the time kids are 12, they begin making their own decisions, based on what they've heard you say and do.
8. Share Some Struggles
Children sometimes think that grown-ups have it easy while they struggle with everything form friendships to spelling. Parents gain credibility when they show that they have to work hard for things, too, whether it's saving for a house or applying for a job. You also teach valuable lessons if you explain instances when thing didn't work out, and you were disappointed but tried again.
9. Close the Door
Say you have a serious problem in your marriage, or with you job - whatever the issue, don't share it with your child. If your marriage is in trouble, for instance, don't roll your eyes when your spouse walks in, grumble about him, or confide in your child. Get professional help, and shield your child from adult-only conflict.
10. Always Be the Parent
The parent-child relationship isn't equal: Parents give kids get - all the time. It's not that you need to spoil your kids, but it is a parent's responsibility to take care of the child. If your child is doing poorly in school, has a health issue, or isn't making friends, don't let her shoulder all the burden. It's your job to help make things better. She may even say thanks when she has kids of her own.
For more tips and parenting advice for Dr. Koplewicz and the NYU Child Study Center, visit aboutourkids.org.